Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Ten Words Straight Men Should Not Use About Women

Good afternoon, misdirected Google searchers! I'm sorry you did not find what you are looking for here. Blogger has a strict policy against posting bukkake videos. But before you navigate back to search again and feed the beast, please enjoy my comedic offerings that won't cost you a monthly fee or a visit from the FBI.

The following is a list that should be self-explanatory if you bothered reading the title.

10. Hottie

This word isn't banned for use by straight men, we just don't use it. We never did. You only hear gay men and straight women using the word "hottie" to describe an allegedly attractive female. Straight guys don't elbow each other and say, "Check out this hottie!" Even just typing that gave me the vague notion that I wanted to kiss a man.

The word has largely fallen out of favor with the general populace as well. So even if you're a woman and you use this in front of your guy friends, you're just embarrassing yourself. "Hottie" only remains prevalent in gossip rags and in the mouths of gay men. There has to be a better way to word that.

And you may disagree because you have a straight friend who uses the word "hottie." Well guess what? You have a gay friend. Enjoy that conversation.

9. Booty

With apologies to Latin Americans, this is not acceptable in the straight male world. Men don't refer to a woman's ass as her "booty." It is really weird and juvenile. I've never heard a straight man say it. I'd rather say "tooshie" than "booty," even though now I'm not so sure that's true. But I wrote it so there's no going back. For your own sake, you should consider them both off the list. Sorry, Mexicans. I'll make it up to you later.

8. Supple

"Supple" is a word reserved for your grandmother. "Supple" is a word reserved for Literotica. It makes me think of pregnant women and milk-filled cow udders. And while both of those may be hot in their own right, the word itself still is not appropriate in describing normal women. "Supple" sounds like life is going to spring out of your loins at any moment. Most guys will tell you that a woman's ability to produce children isn't what exactly what they think about when they bust a nut. Unless they're gambling with the rhythm method.

So save "supple" for doctors and grandmas. There is nothing sexy about "supple." Unless, of course, you write for Literotica.

7. Ravishing

Sorry, Clement Price. "Ravishing" is strictly off limits unless you have a British accent, thus making it impossible to determine if you are gay or straight. "Ravishing" is creepy simply by its origin. Here is the definition of "ravish" via dictionary.com:

1 a: to seize and take away by violence b: to overcome with emotion (as joy or delight) <ravished by the scenic beauty> c: RAPE

Sooo, yeah. Does that still sound appealing? Does anyone want to be told they are rapingly beautiful? I don't think so. Leave "ravishing" to the Brits. And, no, your Austin Powers impression does not qualify.

Side note: I am writing this at work and someone just walked behind me as I typed the words "rapingly beautiful." I think that means this qualifies for the "i'm fired aren't i" tag.

6. Mommy*

There are few things more disturbing in this world than hearing a male call his mother (or anyone) "Mommy." That goes for any male, any age. When I have a son, he is never allowed to refer to his mother as "Mommy," but he has a 5 year grace period where I won't beat him for it. I have adult friends (yes, I do) who actually call their mother "Mommy." I ask them why and they claim, "I say 'Mommy' to my siblings because that's how we know her." I ask them if they still want to breastfeed and they say, "Yes. I mean no! Well, I mean, it depends. Is it going to make things weird? Would she be into it? Did she say anything about me?"

Consider yourselves on notice, Mommy-loving America. Don't call your mother "Mommy." Unless, of course, she's into it.

*Hello, Mexicans! Here is your special reprieve! Mexicans are allowed to say "Mami" about a woman without sounding gay or creepy. Granted, whatever you say following "Mami" is definitely going to be creepy, but that's why we love ya!

5. Daddy

See #6. And then blow your head off with a shotgun.

4. Tasty

I'm not sure if people are saying this, but I think it's worth taking the time to be sure. If you know someone who is saying this about women, do not let him into your fraternity. He is a giant waste of your time and energy and just listening to him pontificate about his conquests with women is going to make your frat less appealing to the opposite sex. You don't want to be known as the tool frat after he wears kanye glasses to a party and when a girl goes by he lifts them up to his forehead and elbows you and says, "That broad is taaaaastyyy." Is that the kind of party you want to throw? If it is then you should all buy shutter shades and then get custom t-shirt jerseys with your nicknames across the back because that is definitely awesome.

Please. Let's keep "tasty" in 80's cinema where it belongs.

3. Cuntrag

This word is another one that I find-...wait a minute. Cuntrag? I'm sorry. That doesn't belong here at all. Moving on.

2. Cutie

Saying the word "cutie" makes a man feel as diminutive as the female he is describing. Saying "cutie" makes you scrunch your face up until you look like the petite little lady herself. Go ahead and say "cutie" right now and watch as your hands gravitate toward your hips. The word is just too effeminate to be used by a straight man. It sounds as if you might just follow it with "pie" or "patootie." And once you go there, there is only one place you end up: Rooty Tooty Fruity Cutie Town.

1. Smart

Sorry ladies. Love yaaaa.


Phil said...

Explain to me what it feels like to swallow a lipper. I'll be waiting.

-Phil B.

Brown said...

I was hoping you would know. I'm still not quite clear on the whole dip vs. chew war. From my limited knowledge:

Dip goes behind your lip against your gums and teeth.
Chew goes in your cheek like Lenny Dykstra.

Dip is often accompanied by a "dip cup" wherein the user spits his used tobacco juice.
Chew comes with no apparatus, as the user just spits wherever he wants.

Dip is white collar.
Chew is blue collar.

Both make you sick if you swallow them, but both make your breath smell better than a diner mint.

Are you still a combatant in this war?