Friday, February 20, 2009

18 Ways to Destroy Your Relationship

MSN Lifestyle is back with more relationship tips. Let's discuss them in a fair open-minded forum that is definitely not sexist.

18 Clues He's Still Crazy About You
You say your husband can't express his feelings? Here are all the funny little ways he says, "I love you."

By Ann Hodgman

1. When you wear a T-shirt, boxers, and socks to bed, somehow he still thinks you're cute.


Hey we're off to a great start. Feeling confident, ladies? Even when you look like a slob because you're not decked out in a skirt and a push-up bra and a thong and crazy boots with buckles on them and one of those weird scarf belts that hides your fopa, somehow he thinks you're still cute.

Well guess what, ANN. Any guy who is worth your time likes that look. Presumably he thinks you are cute, so all the deception and misdirection of your clothing shouldn't really matter. Lingerie and the like are okay, but the idea is that we're in it for you. Plus, the t-shirt and boxers look shows off more than you think. Sometimes you can catch some hard nips, and if you find the right angle, you might even get yourself a box shot.

There is a limit to this look of course. But as long as the boxers aren't shitstained and the t-shirt doesn't say COCK DEPOT, you should be alright.

2. He doesn't laugh when you pronounce former hockey star Mark Messier's name as "Mark Messy-er."

Andddd we have our first swing-and-a-miss. It was fun while it lasted. One in a row, though. That was a nice streak.

First of all, ANN, Mark Messier plays hockey. Nobody watches hockey. Are you writing this from Canada? Did you run out of names of jockeys? Even professional soccer has more recognizable names.

Also? Messier last played in the NHL in 2004, and he hasn't been relevant since 1994. But I like your attempt at being topical. Got any Lewinsky jokes coming?

Finally, he will laugh. Mispronouncing his last name is retarded. It's not retarded because you don't know sports, it's retarded because you don't know language. But there's good news. You're women. You're all retarded. And we love you anyway. In fact, we might even love you because you're retarded. I know that might not seem romantic, but I think it's time we all admit it.

3. The only framed photo on his bureau is of you at age ten — with short bangs, cat glasses, and metal braces. (If he kept it in his wallet, you would have to kill him.)

First of all, what the fuck is a bureau.

Second of all, HOLY SHIT WHAT KIND OF CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU DATING?!? His only picture of you is from when you were age ten? TEN! If it was a baby picture, that would be adorable. If it was a picture up to age 5, that would be endearing. If it was a picture of you as an adult, that would be romantic. If it's a picture of you when you were ten, that would be a felony.

If your boyfriend has this, he may in fact still love you....in a not-so-appropriate way. Just make sure you don't have kids.

Separate questions that should have been asked if I wasn't trying to wash my brain of the image of a guy biting his lip while thumbing the picture of a ten year old girl:

What are cat glasses?
What kind of non-metal braces would have been available when you were ten?
Why would he keep that in his wallet?
Why would you have to kill him?
Why are you trying to be funny?

4. He automatically smooshes all spiders for you.

Is he wearing a dress while he does it? Guys don't "smoosh" things. Sorry. We kill bugs, yes. But we do not smoosh. Which is unfortunate because we all know how attractive it is to see your man kill a spider and then go, "Don't worry, honey. I smooshed him. I smooshed him good. Now he's bye-bye-all-gone. I made him all squishy-wishies. Sooo do you want to have some straight sex now? Because that's definitely what I'm into."

5. He tried — unsuccessfully, but he tried — to clean the rust ring his shaving-cream can left on the sink.

What the fuck would this prove. If a guy is doing that, then he is a beaten man who has chosen to do what you say rather than listen to you nag. The rust does not need to be cleaned off a fucking can of shaving cream. A can of shaving cream is not a permanent fixture in the house. It is disposable. It will be gone and you will buy a new can. It is not something she uses or needs to look at. There is absolutely no need to clean it, let alone attempt a rust-removal procedure. This is a complete fucking horseshit task that a woman asks you to do just to maintain control over you. You need to slap that bitch in the mouth and tell her that you're the man of the house and your manly products are under your manly jurisdiction.*

That or just clean it anyway. That's what I do.

6. After you rear-ended that Lexus in the parking lot, his very first words were "Are you OK?"

*I misread Clue #5 and thought she meant that the shaving can itself had rust on it. I was unaware that there were shaving cans still making rust rings on sinks. I guess you can always cover the rust ring with your bottle of hair tonic. At any rate, my diatribe made me look like an asshole. Luckily, Clue #6 slams women drivers, and I think that will take the attention away from me quite nicely.

Apparently, even fellow women think you are terrible drivers. There will continue to be unequal pay in the workplace so long as women drive like idiots claiming men's lives with car accidents and road rage-induced heart attacks.

I tried to imagine what my natural reaction would be in this case. I think there's a very high chance that I would say "Are you OK?" There's a small chance that my reaction would be, "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME," if the accident was preceded by, "Babe, watch out for this car. You can text her later."

7. At this point, his wedding band is so tight, it makes his finger look swollen — but he swears he'd feel naked without it.

Clue #7 is completely transparent. It is not a "clue" about him loving you at all. It's her way of saying, "Look, I know your husband got fat. I know he probably got a little more than fat. Not like a healthy fat or a thick fat. I know he got fat-in-all-the-wrong-places fat. But he's still wearing his wedding band, and that's worth something. I know that, additionally, the sight of his fat fingers swelling around the ring disgusts you and is a constant reminder of just how not sexually attracted you are to him. But come on, you're no Heidi Klum yourself. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You haven't, have you? Can't stand the sight of it? Don't want to know? You think he likes all that extra cottage cheese in the house? Well, he doesn't. The years haven't been kind to either of you. But at least he still wears his wedding band. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it shows that your husband is still committed to you even though you have become two slovenly beasts."

8. He doesn't try to guess what you want for your birthday — he asks your best friend.

I don't know who is still guessing what their girlfriend wants at this point. We may not get you the perfect gift. We may not get you the right size. We may get you something you hate. But as a culture we're done guessing.

The last guy to guess was Fred Flinstone and Wilma was NOT happy with that bowling ball. I think we all saw that episode, and I think we all learned a little something.

9. He's incapable of putting dishes into the dishwasher but has learned to stack them in the sink.

At times this article reads more like, 18 Ways to Cope with Your Constantly Disappointing Boyfriend.

And I have no problem with that. Please continue to set the bar as low as possible.

10. He understands which old boyfriends are fair game and which aren't.

I'm sorry, what? What exactly does "fair game" mean? This isn't one of those jokes where I pretend not to know what she's talking about in order to make some deliberate obvious joke. I really don't get what the fuck that means, and the more I read it the angrier I get.

Seriously. I just sat here and stared at that sentence for five minutes with the idea that I would write the possibilities of what that could mean. I have no idea. Someone please help. If there is a "fair game" rule in the female handbook that we haven't discovered yet, we need to know about it.

11. He doesn't "whoop!" while watching the Super Bowl anymore. OK, he does, but he's definitely cut back the whooping by about 20 percent.

See, this is why you are single and writing relationship advice columns that are 0% helpful and 20% hurtful. No one "whoops" during the Super Bowl. No one "whoops" during football at all. "Whoop" sounds like the noise a gay man would make while watching America's Next Top Model, making tiny little claps, and jumping on a mini-trampoline. You're an idiot who obviously knows nothing about football or men.

I apologize for the gay man comment. I do not know any gay men who would actually "whoop."

12. He'll pick up a box of tampons at the drugstore without wincing.

You may not have noticed it, but there is always wincing. Even if you're just a crushed soul in a shell of a man who doesn't blink at your wife's commands, you still wince at that request. If only on the inside...

I had to pick up my first box of pads two weeks ago. It was a nightmare. There are like a million different brands and a billion variations. Always. Always with wings. Always with extended wings. Regular. Heavy flow. Super. Family size. Overnight leak protection. Ultra thin. Overnight leak protection ultra thin with extended wings.

When I got to the counter, I felt slightly uncomfortable buying tampons and pads for the first time, with no additional items. I put them down and told the checkout girl, "Guarantee I got the wrong kind." She said, "$21.43." I don't think she appreciated my quip.

I learned 5 things from my first time picking up feminine hygiene products:

1) Tampons go in and pads go out.

2) Always get Ultra Thin.

3) Never get the CVS brand of tampons. Sorry about the papercuts, Xmas Girl.

4) Family size is a quantity.

5) After you get them once, you are now officially in charge of picking up pads for the rest of your life.

13. Though you've had several kids together, he's never once announced, "We're pregnant!"

That would be a bad thing? I think I saw a movie where the girl wanted the man to say "we're" pregnant rather than "you're" pregnant. I thought that was supposed to be important to women because it shows that you consider yourselves a team and that you always go through everything together.

Are you suggesting that saying "we're pregnant" would not be masculine? Is he supposed to say, "Heyyy you're pregnant that's great let me know that works out for you. Now could you go ahead and fuck off, I'll be in the waiting room tell me when it's out."

Seriously, ladies. Figure out what the fuck you want.

14. He wears that "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" sweatshirt you bought him during a weak moment — sometimes even in public.

I can't think of a more effective way to determine the state of your relationship than buying your boyfriend this shirt.

If your girlfriend buys you this shirt, you should dump her because that shit is corny.

If your girlfriend buys you this shirt and you like it, then you should propose because you are two corny motherfuckers.

15. He's careful never to deal with nose hairs in your presence.

Why is this considered disgusting? I've never done this, but from what I've seen on Queer Eye, it's a little electric buzzer the size of a pen that the guy puts in his nose for 2 seconds. That is so gross that it is to be done in private?

Ya know what? If that bothers you, then go fuck yourself. Because no one else is going to.

16. When you drag him to sentimental movies, he doesn't sit there and snicker. (He may fall asleep, but he won't snicker.)

HOW DO YOU NOT [LAUGH] AT SEX AND THE CITY?!?

Listen I'm a sensitive guy. Very sensitive. Too sensitive. But not about vapid chick flicks that masquerade as "sentimental" movies. I saw the sex and the city movie. It was boring and pointless. I'll give you the rundown of the movie fromthe actual Plot Keywords on IMDB. *Spoiler Alert*

Marriage
Sex
Friendship
Honeymoon
Writer
Wedding Dress
Apartment
Mexico
Marital Separation
Valentine's Day
Overeating
Soiling Pants
Personal Assistant
Limousine
Cell Phone
Brooklyn Bridge
Wedding Planner
Fashion Show
Male Frontal Nudity
New York City
Birth
New Year's Eve
Hospital
Legs
Brooklyn New York
Sunbathing
Shoe
Gay Stereotype
Purse
Diarrhea
Getting Cold Feet
Female Nudity
Magazine
Adultery
Narration
Sequel To TV Series
Blockbuster
Actor
Body Waxing
Closet
Los Angeles California
Forgiveness
Shower
Fashion Magazine
Voice Mail
Costume
Flashback Sequence
Swimsuit
Pregnant Woman's Water Breaks
Library
Courthouse
Male Female Relationship
E Mail
Sex With Food
Dog
Based On TV Series
Break Up
Child Swearing
Love Letter
Depression
Sushi
Nyotaimori
Gay Kiss
Based On Television Series
Pregnancy
Sex Standing Up
Covered Female Frontal Nudity
Magazine Editor
Canceled Wedding
Fashion
Interracial Adoption

I had a joke written where I run down the fake plot points, but the real ones are actually much funnier. Have fun picking your favorites.

My personal favorite is that Sex and the City is the only movie on IMDB that uses both the "Soiling Pants" and "Diarrhea" tags.

17. He doesn't comment on your new haircut unless you ask him to. And then he lies.

Lies: the hallmark of a loving, healthy relationship.

Ladies, I'll save you the time. We don't care about your haircut. Up, down, bangs, straight, dyed, whatever. Do what you gotta do. So long as it's not a boycut. Guys want to date Kim Bauer, not Teri Bauer.

So please, leave the short hair to the men. We can't both look like a lesbian elf.

18. He may forget to give you a card for Valentine's Day, but at least he understands this is a criminal offense. And he's prepared to pay the price.

The price? Having your girlfriend read you an article out of MSN Lifestyle.

4 comments:

Phil said...

Brown-

Caught back up with the blog after a several month layoff (it fell below my screen on my bookmarks, no offense).

This recap was hilarious. I want to send it to the author, some of these "claims" are completely outrageous, and the fact that this woman gets paid to do this is egregious. Keep up the good work, I'll keep reading as reader #11.

-Phil B.

Brown said...

I like when people say they haven't been reading in a while. It's a good kick in the ass.

Good to hear from you. Hope all is well. As you have read, everything over here is great if you don't count the blood disease.

Next stop, stand-up. I will not puss out on this forever. The time is coming. I expect to see you there to witness the catastrophe.

Phil said...

Gosh Brown, if you hadn't been schilling your blog on FCL I never would have clicked the link. Good stuff.

Brown said...

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's shilling for my blog.

If there's one thing I'm not good at, it's blogging. Also, writing, maintaining a job, shoe-tying, public speaking, private speaking, performing sexually, and scrabble.

Thanks for the look Phil #2. And I suppose you'd have me believe that the title of this post is just a coincidence and not a secret message to me, hmmm?

*leans in, eyes closed*

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