Monday, August 25, 2008

Hurry Up And Die -- McSweeney's

I consider myself a man of principle. A man of integrity. A man of class.

I have a strong sense of right and wrong, and I act accordingly.

I treat people how I would like to be treated.

I am a man of my word. A man of loyalty. A man of standards.

Other people may dime on their co-workers, throw others under the bus, and look out for number one in every circumstance. I, however, refuse to lower my standards and sink to their level.


Today we will commence a new series called Hurry Up And Die. In Hurry Up And Die I will be dishing out large helpings of comeuppance. I will attack those that I have previously spared out of my good will. I will destroy those who have been violated the tenets of a decency. I will obliterate every douchebag on this planet in the name of all that is good and holy.

And I will curse a lot.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, "But Brown, you're an asshole all the time. This is in no way a departure from your usual behavior. Fuck, I can even look through the archives where you've been an absolutely horrible person to innocent people. What's with the act?"

To that I simply say -- Shut up. Stop ruining it for the new readers.

Before I proceed with the inaugural edition of Hurry Up And Die, I felt I should let you know that I am looking for a domain name to launch this blog on my own. I know that my current URL is quite catchy and easy to remember, but I have decided to branch out. One of my ideas was to launch my own site as Unfortunately, GoDaddy informs me that it is already taken, but they offered me some fantastic substitutes:

And my favorite:

As perfect as all of those are, I decided to go in a different direction. You can feel free to use them.

On to today's subject: McSweeney's. McSweeney's is a website that compiles literary works from all over, including amateurs and professionals. The pieces are generally light and comedic in nature. In January, I submitted the first of the Brit's Kids series for publication. (I know that seems really lame and hackneyed now, but at the time it wasn't just topical, it was prophetic.)

I received the following reply from one of the editors:

Hi Bryan -

Yeah, I pretty much consider anything about Brittney, Paris, or Lohan low-hanging fruit. This has a clever angle, but not enough to win me over completely, I’m afraid. Thanks for the look, nonetheless.

[redacted] [dickhole]
Acting Web Site Editor

I forwarded this email to a friend, and added the following as a preface:

It's not that I'd really argue, but it's kinda hard to take the holier-than-thou air of sophistication from McSweeney's when he spells "Britney" wrong. And I thought I made a preemptive strike against the 'another tired Britney piece' criticism with the title of my email, but I suppose to no avail.

Part of me wants to submit another type of piece and part of me wants to just submit elsewhere, even if not this particular bit. I mean I get that Britney isn't the freshest subject, but I guess I just figured good writing is good writing. The cleverness, hopefully, wasn't just the angle but the repartee. I think I'd take my stuff up against 90% of that site, but maybe I'm biased.

Are sour grapes a low-hanging fruit?

At first I wanted to post his email for public opinion, but I thought it may be unprofessional. But now it's Hurry Up And Die day, so he can fucking suck a dick.

So fuck your fag mag and all you homos that run it. You are all the same pathetic pussies from the high school drama club that wore capes and carried lunchboxes. I could easily take every one of your girlfriends, and I would, if fucking a dog wasn't illegal. You have never done anything novel or original. You are fucking worthless to me. I COULD BUY AND SELL YOU.

Okay, I couldn't buy you. But you're still gay.

And what the fuck is this "acting web site editor" bullshit? What are you a fucking intern? Do you even really work there? I guess it's all the same since you don't get paid. And YOUR writing, sir, is terrible.

First of all you start a sentence with "yeah." I would never do that.

Secondly, it's "Britney." I know, I'm not much of a starfucker either. But she's only about the second most famous person on the planet, you should probably know how to spell her name. You know the most famous is Bush, right? I'm hoping you know how to spell that one, but something tells me you're not too familiar with it.

Third...low-hanging fruit? Seriously? What the fuck do you write, Tolstoy? You working on the great American novel over there at McSweeney's? I'd love to have a read one time, if you aren't too busy "acting" like a website editor.

Fourthly, the angle wasn't really the most clever part, it was the banter. Of course it's debatable exactly just how funny the dialogue is, but something tells me you saw Brittney Britney in type and scrambled to get up on your soap box and write a dismissive patronizing email. And I assume you literally have to get on a box to use your computer because only a short person would write in such non-committal pussified language.

Finally, you close your email with "best." "Best?" Don't be that guy, [redacted] [dickhole]. Don't be that guy.

In summation, you wouldn't know a good writer if it took a dump on your chest, WHICH IT JUST DID.

Hurry up and die, McSweeney's.

*Sorry, that was a typo. I'm missing a "T" there.