Friday, March 20, 2009

Friday Clip Show Copout

It took me ten minutes to look up the proper arrangement of "cop" and "out." Still not sure I got it right. Look at it up there. It looks weird. This one site said it had a hyphen but I said fuck that.

Anyway, internet people, my very real girlfriend XG is going to visit her twin sister Ally this weekend. You may remember her from such blogs as:

24 Hour Vacation -- The Travel Day

24 Hour Vacation -- The Family Day


24 Hour Vacation -- The Family Night

Ahhh, yes. Some of the finest work I've ever phoned in.

Some of you may also remember Ally from the time they went to New Orleans together. I love that episode.

If you loved hearing about that trip as much as I did, you'll LOVE hearing about what I did while I was home by myself taking care of a dog who hated me. Buckle your seatbelts, folks. We may be experiencing HIJINKS.

Surviving Tuppy -- Day One

Surviving Tuppy -- Day Two

Surviving Tuppy -- Day Three

If you're like me, you can still feel the shame and humiliation like it was yesterday! If you want your Maury update, Tuppy and I now get along famously...meaning I feed her, she shits, and I clean it up. This arrangement seems to work well for everyone.

Now Tuppy and I are alone again for the weekend, and we have nothing to do.

I'm thinking maybe a road trip, hmmm?

Maybe we could bring our old friend??

Or maybe I should stop linking dated, boring, pointless blog entries???


Or maybe I'll just take Tuppy to her friend Josie's house and we'll all watch Hotel for Dogs.

I see no way this can end badly.

Friday, March 06, 2009

That's None Of Your God Damn Business And I'll Thank You To Stay Out Of My Personal Affairs

If you're the type of person to ask a friend for gum, and then you take two pieces of gum, well...then you're not the type of person I want to be friends with.

Also, give me my gum back.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Live-Blogging the Mundane

For some reason, Chick-fil-A includes with your order one of those pillowy little mints they keep in a dish in your local diner. For some other reason, I decided to eat one. For a seriously troubling this-kid-might-need-help-before-he-loses-his-mind reason, I am live-blogging the experience.

4:05 -- Opening it. Looking at it. I was hoping it would look like a name-brand mint. But no. Same diner mint.

4:06 -- Popping it in. Here we go.

4:07 -- I am barely sucking it. Just letting slide around in my mouth. Not sure what I'm getting into yet. I feel like my dog when I give her an ice cube. Or a stripper giving a $300 private room "blowjob." Whatever you prefer.

4:08 -- It tastes like the top layer is just melting off leaving a strange milky-minty goo in my mouth that I am avoiding swallowing. It's like when you have to spit and then someone important is around so you can't and you're just thinking, "God I hope they leave, I hope they leave...what the fuck get out of here...jesus, what if they don't leave?...what if they ask me a I going to have to swallow this shit?"

4:09 -- Swallowing it. Not as bad as you'd think, but just so distasteful mentally. Girls. I now know exactly how you feel.

4:11 -- It's clanging around in my mouth hitting my teeth and making me sound like that obnoxious douchebag who pops his gum. Yeah we get it buddy, you're chewing gum. But don't stop cracking it just in case we forget!

4:12 -- Second swallow. It still tastes poor, but it gets easier. You hear that, ladies?

4:13 -- It should be noted that my breath is not getting any better. This mint is merely making my breath more thick and cloudy.

4:14 -- I am frustrated that it is seemingly the same size in my mouth because I really don't want to suck it. Oh my god are they all going to be blowjob jokes? I'm not even trying to. I can't write a normal sentence anymore.

4:16 -- I ignored a call at my desk because I didn't want to be that obnoxious guy with shit in his mouth on the phone. People call me all the time with food in their mouths. It's disgusting. Way worse than mint-milk breath.

4:17 -- I burped and it tasted like chicken and fries. I'm not complaining, it tasted good, but still. You'd think the mint would be running some interference.

4:19 -- It's still not ending. I feel like I'm only halfway through. I do have actual work to do. This could be a problem.

4:20 -- Okay. I'm going to take this call.

4:24 -- I had to hold the mint in my cheek like a chipmunk. Now that side of my mouth is all fuzzy.

4:25 -- Holding it there so long also created a BIG reservoir of mint drool, which I had the pleasure of swallowing. That tasted like I swallowed a lipper.

4:26 -- I'm avoiding the rest of this work for now. Someone else can do it. This is arduous enough on its own.

4:27 -- It's always good for a mint to make you feel like you have to brush your teeth. That's definitely a quality you want to promote in a mint. "Enjoy our new mint with added tooth film for long-lasting freshness!"

4:38 -- Got caught up with work. Had a guy on hold for so long that he hung up on me. What, all of the sudden 11 minutes is a long time to hold? Well, sorry, Mr. President. I didn't know your time was sooo valuable.

4:39 -- Actual mint update: it is finally getting small. It is about the size of a piece of corn. It tastes like sucking on someone else's rotting tooth.

4:40 -- It's almost done. My entire mouth tastes like ass from the top of my gums to the back of my throat.

4:41 -- Almost done. So small now. Almost imperctible. Yet, the scent is still formidable.

4:42 -- Done.

4:43 -- That mint was very dissatisfying.