Live-Blogging the Mundane

For some reason, Chick-fil-A includes with your order one of those pillowy little mints they keep in a dish in your local diner. For some other reason, I decided to eat one. For a seriously troubling this-kid-might-need-help-before-he-loses-his-mind reason, I am live-blogging the experience.

4:05 -- Opening it. Looking at it. I was hoping it would look like a name-brand mint. But no. Same diner mint.

4:06 -- Popping it in. Here we go.

4:07 -- I am barely sucking it. Just letting slide around in my mouth. Not sure what I'm getting into yet. I feel like my dog when I give her an ice cube. Or a stripper giving a $300 private room "blowjob." Whatever you prefer.

4:08 -- It tastes like the top layer is just melting off leaving a strange milky-minty goo in my mouth that I am avoiding swallowing. It's like when you have to spit and then someone important is around so you can't and you're just thinking, "God I hope they leave, I hope they leave...what the fuck get out of here...jesus, what if they don't leave?...what if they ask me a question...am I going to have to swallow this shit?"

4:09 -- Swallowing it. Not as bad as you'd think, but just so distasteful mentally. Girls. I now know exactly how you feel.

4:11 -- It's clanging around in my mouth hitting my teeth and making me sound like that obnoxious douchebag who pops his gum. Yeah we get it buddy, you're chewing gum. But don't stop cracking it just in case we forget!

4:12 -- Second swallow. It still tastes poor, but it gets easier. You hear that, ladies?

4:13 -- It should be noted that my breath is not getting any better. This mint is merely making my breath more thick and cloudy.

4:14 -- I am frustrated that it is seemingly the same size in my mouth because I really don't want to suck it. Oh my god are they all going to be blowjob jokes? I'm not even trying to. I can't write a normal sentence anymore.

4:16 -- I ignored a call at my desk because I didn't want to be that obnoxious guy with shit in his mouth on the phone. People call me all the time with food in their mouths. It's disgusting. Way worse than mint-milk breath.

4:17 -- I burped and it tasted like chicken and fries. I'm not complaining, it tasted good, but still. You'd think the mint would be running some interference.

4:19 -- It's still not ending. I feel like I'm only halfway through. I do have actual work to do. This could be a problem.

4:20 -- Okay. I'm going to take this call.

4:24 -- I had to hold the mint in my cheek like a chipmunk. Now that side of my mouth is all fuzzy.

4:25 -- Holding it there so long also created a BIG reservoir of mint drool, which I had the pleasure of swallowing. That tasted like I swallowed a lipper.

4:26 -- I'm avoiding the rest of this work for now. Someone else can do it. This is arduous enough on its own.

4:27 -- It's always good for a mint to make you feel like you have to brush your teeth. That's definitely a quality you want to promote in a mint. "Enjoy our new mint with added tooth film for long-lasting freshness!"

4:38 -- Got caught up with work. Had a guy on hold for so long that he hung up on me. What, all of the sudden 11 minutes is a long time to hold? Well, sorry, Mr. President. I didn't know your time was sooo valuable.

4:39 -- Actual mint update: it is finally getting small. It is about the size of a piece of corn. It tastes like sucking on someone else's rotting tooth.

4:40 -- It's almost done. My entire mouth tastes like ass from the top of my gums to the back of my throat.

4:41 -- Almost done. So small now. Almost imperctible. Yet, the scent is still formidable.

4:42 -- Done.

4:43 -- That mint was very dissatisfying.

Ten Words Straight Men Should Not Use About Women

Good afternoon, misdirected Google searchers! I'm sorry you did not find what you are looking for here. Blogger has a strict policy against posting bukkake videos. But before you navigate back to search again and feed the beast, please enjoy my comedic offerings that won't cost you a monthly fee or a visit from the FBI.

The following is a list that should be self-explanatory if you bothered reading the title.


10. Hottie

This word isn't banned for use by straight men, we just don't use it. We never did. You only hear gay men and straight women using the word "hottie" to describe an allegedly attractive female. Straight guys don't elbow each other and say, "Check out this hottie!" Even just typing that gave me the vague notion that I wanted to kiss a man.

The word has largely fallen out of favor with the general populace as well. So even if you're a woman and you use this in front of your guy friends, you're just embarrassing yourself. "Hottie" only remains prevalent in gossip rags and in the mouths of gay men. There has to be a better way to word that.

And you may disagree because you have a straight friend who uses the word "hottie." Well guess what? You have a gay friend. Enjoy that conversation.

9. Booty

With apologies to Latin Americans, this is not acceptable in the straight male world. Men don't refer to a woman's ass as her "booty." It is really weird and juvenile. I've never heard a straight man say it. I'd rather say "tooshie" than "booty," even though now I'm not so sure that's true. But I wrote it so there's no going back. For your own sake, you should consider them both off the list. Sorry, Mexicans. I'll make it up to you later.

8. Supple

"Supple" is a word reserved for your grandmother. "Supple" is a word reserved for Literotica. It makes me think of pregnant women and milk-filled cow udders. And while both of those may be hot in their own right, the word itself still is not appropriate in describing normal women. "Supple" sounds like life is going to spring out of your loins at any moment. Most guys will tell you that a woman's ability to produce children isn't what exactly what they think about when they bust a nut. Unless they're gambling with the rhythm method.

So save "supple" for doctors and grandmas. There is nothing sexy about "supple." Unless, of course, you write for Literotica.

7. Ravishing

Sorry, Clement Price. "Ravishing" is strictly off limits unless you have a British accent, thus making it impossible to determine if you are gay or straight. "Ravishing" is creepy simply by its origin. Here is the definition of "ravish" via dictionary.com:

1 a: to seize and take away by violence b: to overcome with emotion (as joy or delight) <ravished by the scenic beauty> c: RAPE

Sooo, yeah. Does that still sound appealing? Does anyone want to be told they are rapingly beautiful? I don't think so. Leave "ravishing" to the Brits. And, no, your Austin Powers impression does not qualify.

Side note: I am writing this at work and someone just walked behind me as I typed the words "rapingly beautiful." I think that means this qualifies for the "i'm fired aren't i" tag.

6. Mommy*

There are few things more disturbing in this world than hearing a male call his mother (or anyone) "Mommy." That goes for any male, any age. When I have a son, he is never allowed to refer to his mother as "Mommy," but he has a 5 year grace period where I won't beat him for it. I have adult friends (yes, I do) who actually call their mother "Mommy." I ask them why and they claim, "I say 'Mommy' to my siblings because that's how we know her." I ask them if they still want to breastfeed and they say, "Yes. I mean no! Well, I mean, it depends. Is it going to make things weird? Would she be into it? Did she say anything about me?"

Consider yourselves on notice, Mommy-loving America. Don't call your mother "Mommy." Unless, of course, she's into it.

*Hello, Mexicans! Here is your special reprieve! Mexicans are allowed to say "Mami" about a woman without sounding gay or creepy. Granted, whatever you say following "Mami" is definitely going to be creepy, but that's why we love ya!

5. Daddy

See #6. And then blow your head off with a shotgun.

4. Tasty

I'm not sure if people are saying this, but I think it's worth taking the time to be sure. If you know someone who is saying this about women, do not let him into your fraternity. He is a giant waste of your time and energy and just listening to him pontificate about his conquests with women is going to make your frat less appealing to the opposite sex. You don't want to be known as the tool frat after he wears kanye glasses to a party and when a girl goes by he lifts them up to his forehead and elbows you and says, "That broad is taaaaastyyy." Is that the kind of party you want to throw? If it is then you should all buy shutter shades and then get custom t-shirt jerseys with your nicknames across the back because that is definitely awesome.

Please. Let's keep "tasty" in 80's cinema where it belongs.

3. Cuntrag

This word is another one that I find-...wait a minute. Cuntrag? I'm sorry. That doesn't belong here at all. Moving on.

2. Cutie

Saying the word "cutie" makes a man feel as diminutive as the female he is describing. Saying "cutie" makes you scrunch your face up until you look like the petite little lady herself. Go ahead and say "cutie" right now and watch as your hands gravitate toward your hips. The word is just too effeminate to be used by a straight man. It sounds as if you might just follow it with "pie" or "patootie." And once you go there, there is only one place you end up: Rooty Tooty Fruity Cutie Town.

1. Smart

Sorry ladies. Love yaaaa.

More Work Updates

I saw a pre-made tuna sandwich wrapped in plastic in the cafeteria.

I should NOT have eaten that.

You Know Who You Look Like? Part 8,451

Office Lady: You got a haircut.

Brown: Yes.

Office Lady: You still look like Owen Wilson.

Brown: I do?

Office Lady: Yes. I just confirmed it with another woman here. She agreed.

Brown: ....Ohhh I get it. You hate me.

Office Lady: Yes.

Brown: Very well. ...Did you watch the Super Bowl?

Office Lady: Could you go sit back down now?

Brown: But I'm not that bad of a guy.

Office Lady: Are you going to change your face?

Brown: My face?

Office Lady: Yes. Are you going to change your face?

Brown: I don't think so?

Office Lady: Then I don't care if you're a good guy. You are just a guy whose face I hate.

Brown: Is this about something else?

Office Lady: No. It's about you and your face. Nothing else. How have I been unclear?

Brown: Well it was a little unclear with the whole Owen Wilson angle.

Office Lady: Well I hope I'm clear now.

Brown: It kind of makes me think you really just hate Owen Wilson.

Office Lady: No.

Brown: Because you don't even know me.

Office Lady: I don't want to know me.

Brown: Why not?

Office Lady: I could come up with a million reasons. And then I would pile those reasons on top of each other to form a pyramid. And at the top of that pyramid would be the most important reason. And that reason wouldn't be in words, it would just be a picture of your face. And then I would smash that pyramid like I want to smash your face right now because I can't stand to look at it even when it's illustrating my own point.

Brown: This is about Owen Wilson isn't it.

Office Lady: God I hate you.

Good News

I fixed the internet in my house so I can go back to blogging.

And by "fixed the internet in my house," I mean stole someone else's internet.

And by "blogging," I mean losing money at online poker.

And by "good news," I mean no one really cares.

Lying In Bed Just Like Owen Wilson Did

I was walking past this woman's desk and she goes, "You look like Owen Wilson."

And I said, "Really? Umm...thank you?"

And she said, "Yeah. Right after he tried to kill himself."

I said, "That seems overly harsh. How long ago did it take you to think of that?"

She said, "I just thought of it now."

I said, "Last night?"

She said, "Earlier this morning."

I said, "Ah."

She said, "Seriously, though. Get a haircut."

I said, "I know. I have been meaning to."

She said, "Fuck 'meaning to.'"

I said, "Whoa, whoa."

She said, "Okay sorry. But are you going to?"

I said, "I could tell you I am, but I would have said that last week and I still haven't. So what do you want me to say?"

She said, "I don't care anyway, I don't even know why we're talking about it."

I said, "You had to make your stupid joke."

She said, "Well this whole thing seems contrived anyway."

I said, "Maybe, but I really don't want to go back to work."

She said, "Well you probably should unless you want to get fired."

I said, "Maybe I do..."

She said, "No you don't."

I said, "I know. Soo....whatelse, whatelse, whatelse.."

She said, "Go sit down."

I said, "Okay."

She said, "And fix the internet in your house."

More Work Updates

This coffee tastes like pencils.

It always tastes like pencils. I've resigned to drink pencil-flavored coffee for the rest of my life. I don't really know how to make it. That is all.

In Case You Were Wondering...

I haven't been posting because the internet in my house isn't working. I know that sounds like an excuse but it's the truth. I am posting this from work because they let me out of my cage for 15 minutes of Internet Free Time Minus Any Sites Containing Porn, Pornographic Images, References to Porn, the Word "Porn," Pornography, or Anything Mildly Interesting. I've talked to them about changing the title of our breaks. I took my suggestion under advisement. And I was beaten.

Fortunately, since this blog doesn't contain anything mildly interesting, it is not blocked! So I am free to write from work during my 15 minutes.

Unfortunately, nothing of note really happens at work, unless you count answering phone calls and going to the bathroom, so this post might not be as thrilling as my usual blogs.

Fortunately, I do consider going to the bathroom blogworthy, so that's what you're going to hear about.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend is the only person who reads this.

I have a short list of the stalls that I prefer in the bathroom at work. Both are against a wall, which helps to minimize the noise in the event that there is a grunter in another stall on the line. I'm not sure why these people have to make noise while shitting, and that is coming from a guy who often has intense stomach problems. Even during the most explosive episodes, I have never felt the urge to moan out loud. A guy once told me that groaning through it makes it feel better. I said that I don't think that's something I feel comfortable discussing through the partition.

So when I speedwalk into the bathroom, I usually head for the first stall on my list that is open. Then when I walk in and close the door, for some reason, I immediately pull my pants down. I don't mean down to my ankles like a 5 year old, but just down past my ass. Gentleman style. I don't know why this is because I never sit down immediately. Even if it's an emergency, I am not going to sit on a toilet seat full of pubes.

As disgusting as this is now sounding to me, I have to clean the toilet seat of whatever collection of pubes, piss, or boot scuffs, all with my pants down. Again, I don't know why I'm telling you this and I don't know why I do it. I find myself bending over in a stall, half-naked at work, cleaning another man's asspubes. It's the most depressing part of my day, and it happens 5 times a day.

That is all for now. Yep, that is what that entry was about. I wish I could tell you it was some form of meta and that I'm writing some above the rim comedy. I am not. I am writing about cleaning bathrooms naked not because it's funny but because it happened. I took a moment to try and think of something funny and all I came up with was a Larry Craig joke. I failed. This is what my life has come to. And my 15 minutes are up.

Honey, I'll see you at home.