In Case You Were Wondering...

I haven't been posting because the internet in my house isn't working. I know that sounds like an excuse but it's the truth. I am posting this from work because they let me out of my cage for 15 minutes of Internet Free Time Minus Any Sites Containing Porn, Pornographic Images, References to Porn, the Word "Porn," Pornography, or Anything Mildly Interesting. I've talked to them about changing the title of our breaks. I took my suggestion under advisement. And I was beaten.

Fortunately, since this blog doesn't contain anything mildly interesting, it is not blocked! So I am free to write from work during my 15 minutes.

Unfortunately, nothing of note really happens at work, unless you count answering phone calls and going to the bathroom, so this post might not be as thrilling as my usual blogs.

Fortunately, I do consider going to the bathroom blogworthy, so that's what you're going to hear about.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend is the only person who reads this.

I have a short list of the stalls that I prefer in the bathroom at work. Both are against a wall, which helps to minimize the noise in the event that there is a grunter in another stall on the line. I'm not sure why these people have to make noise while shitting, and that is coming from a guy who often has intense stomach problems. Even during the most explosive episodes, I have never felt the urge to moan out loud. A guy once told me that groaning through it makes it feel better. I said that I don't think that's something I feel comfortable discussing through the partition.

So when I speedwalk into the bathroom, I usually head for the first stall on my list that is open. Then when I walk in and close the door, for some reason, I immediately pull my pants down. I don't mean down to my ankles like a 5 year old, but just down past my ass. Gentleman style. I don't know why this is because I never sit down immediately. Even if it's an emergency, I am not going to sit on a toilet seat full of pubes.

As disgusting as this is now sounding to me, I have to clean the toilet seat of whatever collection of pubes, piss, or boot scuffs, all with my pants down. Again, I don't know why I'm telling you this and I don't know why I do it. I find myself bending over in a stall, half-naked at work, cleaning another man's asspubes. It's the most depressing part of my day, and it happens 5 times a day.

That is all for now. Yep, that is what that entry was about. I wish I could tell you it was some form of meta and that I'm writing some above the rim comedy. I am not. I am writing about cleaning bathrooms naked not because it's funny but because it happened. I took a moment to try and think of something funny and all I came up with was a Larry Craig joke. I failed. This is what my life has come to. And my 15 minutes are up.

Honey, I'll see you at home.

Calling Out Names

After a three year hiatus, I am returning to blogspot. It seems that in my absence, there have been a lot of pretenders to the throne vying for my spot. I'm sorry that you all had to put up with such worthless posers in my wake, but no longer. I am the Marlo Stanfield of the internet, and I plan on doing some housekeeping around here. I will eliminate all my competition and reclaim my rightful position as the brownest and blackest blogger on the internet. In addition, I will also have a lot of other references to black culture.

Oh, like this one!



Let's get started and go through the perpetrators:

chez pim



I don't know who this Chez Pim is, but I don't like the look of her. Look at that face. You can just tell she's up to something. And when you click on her link, you find out what it is. She's selling shitballs under the title Brown is the New Black.


Flickr

Speaking of shitballs, I have a special message for the baby-loving populace out there: small does not equal cute. Apparently, all of Flickr disagrees.


Townhall

The reason women shouldn't be allowed to vote.



Ann, I know you read my blog and were inspired to do something edgy and provocative, but please, you're just embarrassing yourself. There's a difference between provocative and provocative for the sake of being provocative. Have I made myself clear while saying provocative enough times? Good. Provocative.


bnet

More like Brown is the New BORING. *flick-starts spinning bow tie*


MySpace

You are the reason I hate Myspace. One of the many, many reasons I hate MySpace.


blueoregon

I get it. Attention everyone: IMMIGRANTS ARE BROWN.


Business Week



NERD!


cnewmark

What. IN THE FUCK. Is this?

The Real Paul Jones

Perry Farrell is on board. Nothing weird about that.

Twitter

What. IN THE FUCK. Is Twitter?

The Champagne Diamonds Blog

Wait, hold on. Go back. Did Bill Gates just copy me? God damnit. Why did I use my "NERD!" line already? That would have killed him!

Next time, Bill. I'll do you like you did Netscape. You're all on notice. This is my internet now.