An Open Letter to Black People

Hi! How are you? Waaazzzuuupppp? It's been a long time, so I just wanted to reach out and touch base with you. First of all, let me be the first to say, "Congratulations!" Well perhaps not the first, but I can't even tell you how happy I am for you. I hope it's everything you dreamed it would be. You're in for a wild ride!

In an effort to facilitate the transition into the presidency, I thought I would write this letter to go over some issues that may be relevant now that you are in power. Hopefully this will clear the air and help us better understand each other under the new "arrangement."

First I'd just like to ask: is it okay to say "black people?" Do I really have to say "African-American?" It's not like you're really still African. So you're cool with "black people," right? It just saves time.

Let's move on with a compliment. You have the funniest comedians in the world. It's not even a contest. Please continue making me laugh. I just have one word of advice. The funniest comedians are black people, but not all black people are the funniest comedians. It just might help all of us in line at the DMV who are being held captive by five Steve Harveys fighting for the spotlight.

Before we go any further, I just want to be clear about something. Slavery is illegal now. I hope you know that. Don't try any funny business.

If you forgive us for creating DWB, we'll forgive you for creating FUBU. That's a good offer. You guys made that the coolest thing to wear in high school and I was expressly forbidden from wearing it. I was forced to wear Old Navy for four years of high school. That's not right. As far as DWB, well, I'm sure FUBU contributed just as much to racial profiling.

While we're on acronyms, let's talk about CPT. I can't speak for all white people, but I'd just like to let you know my position. I'm cool with it. Keep doing what you do. It's no fun rushing around trying to be on time for things. If I could pull off CPT, I would.

But speaking of which, how come you guys run so fast but you walk so slow? Please advise.

White people don't have rhythm. We just don't. You know it and I know it. But please stop making fun of us!

In regards to basketball....winners out or losers out?

In regards to OJ....truce?

In regards to the N word...sorry?

Fried chicken is delicious. I think we can all agree upon that.

I will apologize for this if you apologize for this. These videos serve to culturally- ah, fuck it. I love both of them!

I watch the Wire. I just want to put that out there. So just in case you have something big planned...I can be a better friend to yall alive.

And on to the final apology. I'm really, really, REALLY sorry about this:



To me, that is more offensive than slavery, and I sincerely apologize.

On the other hand, if you guys would have voted last time, that never would have happened. So I think we can share the blame on that one. What do you say. Even Steven?

Well that's all for now. I hope this letter will open a dialogue and help us better serve each other. That's serve each other. Not one race serving the race who is in power because that would be wrong.

Take care and good luck. But most importantly, have fun with it! Enjoy your time. It goes all too fast. Trust me!

Love,

Brown

Calling Out Names

After a three year hiatus, I am returning to blogspot. It seems that in my absence, there have been a lot of pretenders to the throne vying for my spot. I'm sorry that you all had to put up with such worthless posers in my wake, but no longer. I am the Marlo Stanfield of the internet, and I plan on doing some housekeeping around here. I will eliminate all my competition and reclaim my rightful position as the brownest and blackest blogger on the internet. In addition, I will also have a lot of other references to black culture.

Oh, like this one!



Let's get started and go through the perpetrators:

chez pim



I don't know who this Chez Pim is, but I don't like the look of her. Look at that face. You can just tell she's up to something. And when you click on her link, you find out what it is. She's selling shitballs under the title Brown is the New Black.


Flickr

Speaking of shitballs, I have a special message for the baby-loving populace out there: small does not equal cute. Apparently, all of Flickr disagrees.


Townhall

The reason women shouldn't be allowed to vote.



Ann, I know you read my blog and were inspired to do something edgy and provocative, but please, you're just embarrassing yourself. There's a difference between provocative and provocative for the sake of being provocative. Have I made myself clear while saying provocative enough times? Good. Provocative.


bnet

More like Brown is the New BORING. *flick-starts spinning bow tie*


MySpace

You are the reason I hate Myspace. One of the many, many reasons I hate MySpace.


blueoregon

I get it. Attention everyone: IMMIGRANTS ARE BROWN.


Business Week



NERD!


cnewmark

What. IN THE FUCK. Is this?

The Real Paul Jones

Perry Farrell is on board. Nothing weird about that.

Twitter

What. IN THE FUCK. Is Twitter?

The Champagne Diamonds Blog

Wait, hold on. Go back. Did Bill Gates just copy me? God damnit. Why did I use my "NERD!" line already? That would have killed him!

Next time, Bill. I'll do you like you did Netscape. You're all on notice. This is my internet now.