Saturday, August 20, 2005

Oh my god, ya know who you look like??

No but please tell me! It's getting a bit ridiculous. I can't leave the house without being told that I look like some actor. I know what you're thinking, "Easy, Brown, you're not a superstar." Well no fuckin duh. The point is that these are not flattering comparisons. There's nothing to brag about here, its just a weird thing for anyone to do, especially with these names. Here's a quick run-down of the ones off the top of my head: Topher Grace, Devon Sawa, Adrien Brody, and the new one this week, T.R. Knight.

Topher "Dont call me Chris" Grace
If you had to be stuck with one, I guess Topher Grace is the best of the bunch. There's no real denying that we look and act a bit alike so it doesn't really bother me. On the other hand its the one I hear the most so it gets old fast. I was once watching "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" when a 9 year old girl in the room whom I had just met blurted out, "Bryan looks like that guy." Upon re-reading that it sounds so made up, but the sad part is that its true. I have no good explanation for why I was in such a scenario.

Devon "Little Giants" Sawa
This one I don't see at all, but a little filipino girl would say otherwise. She was very convinced that we looked alike and that this was a big compliment. I'm not sure either of those are true. This one came at the tail-end of a month of "Topher" comments (right around when "In Good Company" came out) so I thought it was a practical joke. The only reason it sounded believable at all is that any dumb girl who would play such a joke wouldn't use a name like Devon Sawa. In fact by the end of the conversation I was slightly impressed that she even knew such a name. The best part, though, was when I was relaying this story to my friend Pete. As soon as I say Devon Sawa, he doesn't miss a beat and jumps in, "From Little Giants! That's awesome, great movie." I guess its all about perspective, he used to be a stud.

Adrien "I won't even dignify this with a nickname" Brody
The night I heard this I almost jumped out of a window. Of course I didn't really do it, the house was only two stories. This girl Stephanie brought some random Puerto Rican friend with her to our friend Landy's house. From the second she walked in the door this bitch was the mouth from the south (although her painfully faked accent was trying to show you how brooklyn she was). She was a year older and this was her birthday, so she acted like it was beneath her for being at a college kid's house. Well I'm pretty sure I don't remember us calling you to come over and watch us drink and watch basketball, but alright. So she's shuckin and jivin the whole time and I haven't said a word until she looks me over and goes, "You look like someone." I braced myself for the usual Topher Grace line but instead was hit by the Adrien Brody train. I was taken aback, stunned, speechless. Didn't play it off cool, no one-liners back from me, not even a frantic string of curses thrown in her direction. Just Mouth-Open-Game-7-in-the-2001-World-Series shock. Stephanie was an angel in attempting to re-assure me that her friend actually likes Adrien Brody and I'm good-looking, etc, etc. I didn't buy it for a second but at least it staved off suicide. Days later I found out that the girl actually does like Adrien Brody. In fact she was repeatedly asking Stephanie about me and was unaware that I was actually insulted. I figured Stephanie was shining me on until I ran into the Puerto Rican girl at Olde Queens. She flagged me down and actually confessed that she thought I was sooo cute and she didn't mean to be mean. This was a small consolation but of course nothing deserving of a "second chance" so I blew her off and found another girl to talk to in front of her. This was back in my player days. I had to include that part to make me sound cool and make up for the rest of the story.

T.R. "Down Syndrome" Knight
The latest celebrity sighting. Here's the conversation:

Dumb Girl: You know who you look like?
Bryan Brown: I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
DG: You look like the doctor from Grey's Anatomy.
BB: Is that show still on the air?
DG: Yes its great! But really you look just like him, its uncanny.
BB: Well I've never really watched it but I used to see him on Northern Exposure. He's good I like him.
DG: No, no, not him, the other guy. The one everyone thought was gay.
BB: Oh of course! How stupid of me. I should've realized that I look like "the gay one." I'm glad you came up to me to tell me this.
DG: Nooo silly he's not gay, everyone just thought he was. But he's not gay, he's the guy who just got herpes.
BB: The hits just keep comin.
DG: Yeah you look like you were separated at birth.
BB: So I look like a guy everyone thinks is gay and really has herpes. Well I appreciate that. Can we play Ya Know Who You Look Like now?

Brilliant conversation. I think the only people that come up to me are the ones who never leave their house and haven't conversed with another human being in years. After this discussion I had to see what this guy looks like and I found out that he has a third affliction: down syndrome. Check him out. Gay, herpes, and down syndrome. Didn't think anyone could top Adrien Brody, did you? Does anyone else do this? I personally have never approached anyone and told them they look like some C-list celebrity. I don't think I've even done it in familiar company. And does this happen to anyone else? Hey, maybe I'm over-reacting. If anyone out there can tell me that different people have come up to them and told them that they look like Frankie Muniz, Rob Schneider, Brecken Meyer, and Dwight Yoakam, then maybe I won't take it so personally. Until then lets just not run up to anyone and blurt out every little thought we have in our head.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

"I got news for ya pal...if your life sucks, then I'm fucked!"

Waaahhh, I'm a millionaire superstar hunk with a good reputation, waaahhh
Let's get this out of the way. I like Tom Brady. I do. I fucking hate Boston and all their gay fans, but I like Tom Brady. I think he's a cool guy and a great quarterback who is on his way to becoming a legend.

[Not quite a "legend" yet. I was pursued in an argument about this just before the last Super Bowl. A fat goth-looking toad, who was clearly used to running people over with some limited minutia and a sarcastic attitude, attempted to take the side that Tom Brady was the best quarterback of all-time. (You see what you've done, Stephen A. Smith? Now people think all you need is a controversial point and volume to be considered thought-provoking.) Naturally, I dismissed the Waltonesque comment and brought him back down to earth. I simply said that its impossible to be the best quarterback of all-time with only 5 years in the league. Elway, Marino, Montana: that's the upper echelon. Don't even poke around up there without some serious, serious credentials. The guards will toss you on sight. That's like comparing Green Day to the Beatles. As cool as it sounds now, and as good as they are now, it's still wildly inappropriate. That being said, it takes more than 5 years of clutch play with an amazing defense under superb coaching to get there. That's not to take anything away from Brady, just his fat bastard representative of the day who forgot how the fickle hand of fate can touch any superstar at any time.]

To most sports fans, even to most every guy, Brady appears to have it all. So why is he bitching in the latest edition of GQ? Apparently, he doesn't want people to think he's so nice. More accurately, he "hates [his] golden boy image." I'm not sure exactly what he's referring to here. I've always thought of him as an average guy who was an amazing athlete. The kind of guy who'd be an asset at poker night, at the bar, and at the game...especially since when you get there, he can go out on the field and win Super Bowls. I never thought of him as a lamb; I just figured he was smart about his "business" and didn't Randy Moss himself. I'm sure he gets whacked and bangs supermodels (I hope he's not "pulling a Vince" with Bridget Moynihan), but I assume he just tries to keep things under wraps, like a normal guy.

If this isn't the case, is he trying to tell us there's even more to this story than we assume? Does he have some skeletons the world isn't even ready for? When his starting center taped one of Brady's modeling pictures to his back, Tom had this to say: "I was laughing the whole practice," Brady said, "But he who laughs last laughs best, so those guys don't know what's in store." What in the hell does that mean? It almost sounds like he feels challenged to reveal something really bizarre. I hope it was just some panicky attempt to diffuse the situation and not some threat to disclose incriminating photos of him at the University of Michigan. And Tommy, if you wanna curb the comments, don't let magazines take topless pictures of you holding goats. Saturday Night Live is one thing; that's the kind of thing you can get razzed for but still be glad that you did it. Spooning puppies in Gentleman's Quarterly is just asking for it.

I like Tom Brady. He's what most guys imagine themselves being in their sports fantasies, so I hope this isn't a warning sign. If he starts trying to rebel against his "golden boy" status, he'll end up with creepy tattoos, a sliding scale of skanky girlfriends, a laundry list of petty offenses, and a spot between to Willie Aames and Ryan Leaf on Celebrity Fit Club IX. But it could be worse, I guess. He could end up a quarterback in Arizona.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Part Deux

Voted Best Smelling Reggie in North Alabama
Right off the bat let me just say if you haven't seen the video for Get Well Soon by Reggie and the Full Effect, then do yourself a favor and watch it now. If you don't feel bad for Nessie in that video then you have no soul. Amazing that they take a seemingly ridiculous premise and turn it into something powerful that you can actually identity with. I do indeed hope Nessie will get well soon.

"I wanted the bar but they gave me the hoop."
This week I got a disturbing phone call from Lindsey Mack, who will now be referred to as Asian Wife. It wasn't the typical Asian disturbing phone call, i.e. I told the bouncer I don't pay covers and ran past him, darted into the bathroom, hooked up with the Mexican attendant, and then got thrown out for taking my shirt off. No little Asian called to tell me she got her nipple pierced, followed by a creepy picture message of said piercing. She laughed at herself about it since she just did it "to be spontaneous," but I still don't think she fully grasped why it was inappropriate. So let's go over some do's and dont's with piercings and tattoos.
not get a piercing or tattoo
get a piercing or tattoo
Here's the deal, they're all gay. I know what you're thinking, "Nah mine isn't."
"Yep, yes it is."
"No, Brown, really it's not. It looks cool, people have told me."
"Hmm yea no it doesn't. People say a lot of things. I once told a girl I didn't mind Mariah Carey. I told many people I disliked Boondock Saints before I had even seen it. I once suggested someone go to Lehigh."
" ok then." (still silently thinking their tattoo is cool)
Tattoos and piercings are like girls telling jokes: 95% of the time it sucks, 5% of the time its tolerable. When a girl tries to be funny you just wanna stop her before she tries to get on a roll, because its most likely to be corny or even annoying. You want to stop them because they don't need to do that to be cool or attractive. Humor isn't exactly why guys like girls. Do I like a girl who can appreciate a clever joke? Sure. Do I want her trying to do one-liners in front of a group of my friends? No sir. You'll never hear a guy say, "She's smart, she's kind, she's beautiful....but I just wish she knew a few more knock-knock jokes." We already like girls, you don't need to do stand-up and you don't need body art and ornaments. No matter how cool you think it is now, chances are it isn't. And if its not attractive now, how do you think its gonna look in 5 years? 10 years? Do yourself a favor and avoid the whole situation. And if you happen to be with someone who actually supports this and is into the whole "lifestyle," well then you have a lot of re-examining to do don't you.

Smoke more weed Turtle, seriously, smoke more weed.
It's no surprise that the latest episode of Entourage was great once again. I'll spare you the pseudo-review but one thing must be said: does anyone like Vince? Throughout the season he's become more and more selfish and now he's whipped on Mandy Moore, who by the way always looks like she just came from a grueling tennis match before the show. Anyway, the fact remains that the show is one of the few on television that I actually make an effort to see. HBO has far and away the best shows on television (despite the fact that they will try to convince you that it's not TV, "it's HBO"). Entourage, Deadwood, The Wire, Curb Your Enthusiasm, CostasNOW (just kidding), and yes even Sopranos essentially comprise the best five shows on TV. The only ones worth watching on "regular" TV are Arrested Development, The Office, The Simpsons, and a handful of guilty pleasure reality TV shows. So lets just hope Vince gets over Mandy before he breaks up the group and theres one less watchable show on TV.

More War Distraction
Apparently two of the jurors from the Michael Jackson trial are now coming forward to say they regret Jackson's acquittal. "The two denied being motivated by money and tried to explain why they were coming forward now...added Cook: 'I’m speaking out now because I believe it’s never too late to tell the truth.'" Really? Never too late? That's weird cause I'd say that's exactly what it is right now. Too damn late. Cook's book is called "Guilty as Sin, Free as a Bird." "[Rita] Cosby asked Cook if the other jurors will be angry with her. 'They can be as angry as they want to. They ought to be ashamed. They’re the ones that let a pedophile go,' responded Cook, 79." Oh, "they" did? Is this book about her evil twin being on the jury, cause otherwise, it's your fucking fault lady! Where's the personal responsibility? Even if she says she got bullied into her decision, she should hold herself accountable along with the entire group. Oh no, but now it's what "they" did.I like how after the trial Michael said his life wouldn't change, except he probably wouldn't let boys sleep in his bed anymore. HA! Hey thanks, Mike! Good man. You're gonna leave our children alone? That's great news. Oh wait, you're not?...just not in your bed? Oh.

Loose limps sink chips.
Do yourself a favor and bookmark the blog of Paul Phillips. It is easily the best read on the internet. It's hard to nail down an exact profile of what Paul Phillips does, but for the purpose of simplicity lets say he's a former dot-commer turned poker pro. He uses his blog as a forum for discussion on a wide range of topics. Right now he's engaged in a debate with his readers about evolution v. creationism (and Intelligent Design Theory) and it's very entertaining. He's always insightful whether it be about poker, religion, or video games. Seeing him go off on some of his own readers is the best, though. Check it out and scroll down to see the past entries; there's something for everyone.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Happy Champagne Day -- Part 1

It's been a while so lets get caught up. I'm totally out of my element: I haven't been to a bar in weeks, I actually went to the beach, and [earmuffs to under 16 and over 30] I got laid. What's the world coming to. These things don't go together. Naturally, I have no idea how to gather it all up succinctly under one heading, so it will come out as I think of it, cause its my blog and I'll do what I want.

"Is it me or did you just get out of a bathtub full of rainbows?"
The first few times I saw the Andy Milonakis Show I wasn't impressed. It seemed forced and nothing came across clever. For the most part I thought it was just a bunch of dumb jokes that were just weird enough to convince some higher-up that this was actually edgy. Well first impressions aren't always right because it won me over with a bit called Weird Compliments. Young Andy walks up to old people on the streets of New York and pays them weird compliments. He turned a corner with me when he walked up to an old man and said, "Sir, that's the smile that's gonna save New York!" The looks on these people's faces were priceless. Since then I've caught a few more and the kid is pretty funny. Highlights of the show include the "I was gonna say that" sketch, the parody of a blogger, and Andy darting in a cab then telling the cabbie to "follow that man!" and pointing to an old man shuffling down the street as the cab rolls 20 feet behind him. Lowlights include Andy being fat. Overall it's decent for MTV2, though, ranking ahead of Stankervision and behind Wild Boyz. But if it does happen to keep improving, rest assured, MTV will cancel it.

"For the last time take a good hard look."
So long garage rock. With rap in a state of disrepair since Jay-Z pretended to retire, rock is falling all over itself to take the reigns. Garage rock came in for a brief stint of refreshment. But garage rock doesn't overstay its welcome so it left just as quickly as it stormed in. As garage rock waned it seemed that the rest of rock relapsed back into homogenized TRL music. Its as if someone took Blink182, Green Day, and the Backstreet Boys and threw them in a blender then took the product and portioned them out with different band names. As a result we got Good Charlotte (yes I know they've been around for years, but they haven't been good for years either), Yellowcard, A Simple Plan, and a bunch of other kids who aren't too different. I like some of their songs too but there's no denying the similarities. The weird thing is the mix of styles. They'll have like 7 earrings, a black mohawk (spiked in the middle not shaved on the sides, ya know, just in case they have to change styles by the end of the week), a sweater vest, and a huge chain filled with diamonds. What's the plan here? It's like a high school kid with a frantic identity crisis. People might try to tell you its some sort of punk anti-fashion thing but its really just pandering to different niche markets to cover all their bases.
Anyway the music isn't that bad but it doesnt compare to the top 3 right now. If you want to err on the side of hardcore, then pick up Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance. Their two singles thus far are hard enough to get the blood going but not so hard that it creeps you out. They even show some range covering "Under Pressure." Pick up MCR's new cd if for no other reason than they are from Jersey. At the other end of the spectrum is Futures, released earlier this year, by Jimmy Eat World. A bit softer but still with several tracks that kick ass. Lyrically they might be the best band out there. Finally, Foo Fighters run the gamat with their latest release, In Your Honor. A double CD ("One Loud, One Not So Loud") that might just be their best work yet. And yes, I'm gonna be "that guy" and tell you that the radio single "isn't even the best song on the album!"

It was Leo's worst flick for a reason.
As some of you might already know, I'm not a big fan of the beach. Interestingly enough, I get a lot of flak for this. As soon as I say I don't really like going to the beach it turns into an interrogation as if I better have a damn good reason for not liking it. I don't know what it is about the beach, but people take it very personally. If I told someone I don't really enjoy going to the park, I hardly think I'd get the incredulous looks that I do from the beach people. And yet when I ask what there is to do at the beach, I always get the same unsatisfactory response.

"What is there to do?! Haha! He wants to know what there is to do at the beach! Okay, buddy, how about umm, enjoy the sun!"
"No no that's fine, but what is there to do?"
"Oh, well, you can read a book!"
"No that's reading, what is there to do?"
"Well, people play volleyball."
"Oh that's great I love volleyball, let's play."
"Well...we don't really play volleyball, when we go...per se..."
"I see. Sooo that's it then? Read or pretend to consider playing volleyball?"
" can...go in the water..."
"Go in the water? What's that."
"Ya in the water."
", ya know...around.....should I just go?"
"Would ya?"

Okay, okay, so it's not that bad. The sun is nice and the water is ok, but there still just isn't anything to do in my opinion. Beyond that is the issue of clothing, rather, the lack thereof. For some reason people think its appropriate to get virtually naked at the beach. What is that about. Here I was thinking I was being considerate by staying fully clothed at all times and yet at the shore the fattest of bastards are completely disrobing at the drop of a hat. That goes for both guys and girls, and if you've been to the Jersey shore, you know that's a large percentage of the population. So after weighing the pros and cons, I'd simply rather do something else. That's not an affront to anyone's lifestyle. You go to the beach and six flags and I'll go to the places for grown-ups. That is unless they start to allow drinking at the beach.