Wednesday, August 17, 2005

"I got news for ya pal...if your life sucks, then I'm fucked!"

Waaahhh, I'm a millionaire superstar hunk with a good reputation, waaahhh
Let's get this out of the way. I like Tom Brady. I do. I fucking hate Boston and all their gay fans, but I like Tom Brady. I think he's a cool guy and a great quarterback who is on his way to becoming a legend.

[Not quite a "legend" yet. I was pursued in an argument about this just before the last Super Bowl. A fat goth-looking toad, who was clearly used to running people over with some limited minutia and a sarcastic attitude, attempted to take the side that Tom Brady was the best quarterback of all-time. (You see what you've done, Stephen A. Smith? Now people think all you need is a controversial point and volume to be considered thought-provoking.) Naturally, I dismissed the Waltonesque comment and brought him back down to earth. I simply said that its impossible to be the best quarterback of all-time with only 5 years in the league. Elway, Marino, Montana: that's the upper echelon. Don't even poke around up there without some serious, serious credentials. The guards will toss you on sight. That's like comparing Green Day to the Beatles. As cool as it sounds now, and as good as they are now, it's still wildly inappropriate. That being said, it takes more than 5 years of clutch play with an amazing defense under superb coaching to get there. That's not to take anything away from Brady, just his fat bastard representative of the day who forgot how the fickle hand of fate can touch any superstar at any time.]

To most sports fans, even to most every guy, Brady appears to have it all. So why is he bitching in the latest edition of GQ? Apparently, he doesn't want people to think he's so nice. More accurately, he "hates [his] golden boy image." I'm not sure exactly what he's referring to here. I've always thought of him as an average guy who was an amazing athlete. The kind of guy who'd be an asset at poker night, at the bar, and at the game...especially since when you get there, he can go out on the field and win Super Bowls. I never thought of him as a lamb; I just figured he was smart about his "business" and didn't Randy Moss himself. I'm sure he gets whacked and bangs supermodels (I hope he's not "pulling a Vince" with Bridget Moynihan), but I assume he just tries to keep things under wraps, like a normal guy.

If this isn't the case, is he trying to tell us there's even more to this story than we assume? Does he have some skeletons the world isn't even ready for? When his starting center taped one of Brady's modeling pictures to his back, Tom had this to say: "I was laughing the whole practice," Brady said, "But he who laughs last laughs best, so those guys don't know what's in store." What in the hell does that mean? It almost sounds like he feels challenged to reveal something really bizarre. I hope it was just some panicky attempt to diffuse the situation and not some threat to disclose incriminating photos of him at the University of Michigan. And Tommy, if you wanna curb the comments, don't let magazines take topless pictures of you holding goats. Saturday Night Live is one thing; that's the kind of thing you can get razzed for but still be glad that you did it. Spooning puppies in Gentleman's Quarterly is just asking for it.

I like Tom Brady. He's what most guys imagine themselves being in their sports fantasies, so I hope this isn't a warning sign. If he starts trying to rebel against his "golden boy" status, he'll end up with creepy tattoos, a sliding scale of skanky girlfriends, a laundry list of petty offenses, and a spot between to Willie Aames and Ryan Leaf on Celebrity Fit Club IX. But it could be worse, I guess. He could end up a quarterback in Arizona.

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