Friday Clip Show Copout

It took me ten minutes to look up the proper arrangement of "cop" and "out." Still not sure I got it right. Look at it up there. It looks weird. This one site said it had a hyphen but I said fuck that.

Anyway, internet people, my very real girlfriend XG is going to visit her twin sister Ally this weekend. You may remember her from such blogs as:

24 Hour Vacation -- The Travel Day

24 Hour Vacation -- The Family Day

and

24 Hour Vacation -- The Family Night

Ahhh, yes. Some of the finest work I've ever phoned in.

Some of you may also remember Ally from the time they went to New Orleans together. I love that episode.



If you loved hearing about that trip as much as I did, you'll LOVE hearing about what I did while I was home by myself taking care of a dog who hated me. Buckle your seatbelts, folks. We may be experiencing HIJINKS.

Surviving Tuppy -- Day One

Surviving Tuppy -- Day Two

Surviving Tuppy -- Day Three

If you're like me, you can still feel the shame and humiliation like it was yesterday! If you want your Maury update, Tuppy and I now get along famously...meaning I feed her, she shits, and I clean it up. This arrangement seems to work well for everyone.



Now Tuppy and I are alone again for the weekend, and we have nothing to do.

I'm thinking maybe a road trip, hmmm?

Maybe we could bring our old friend??

Or maybe I should stop linking dated, boring, pointless blog entries???

Maybe.

Or maybe I'll just take Tuppy to her friend Josie's house and we'll all watch Hotel for Dogs.



I see no way this can end badly.

Good Morning, Children!

This is the face that I look at every day. His name is Clement Price. He is on my homepage at work. He is speaking at a Black History Month event in Newark (!) today. I have no idea what he has to do with Prudential.

But it's hard to look at that face every day and not wonder what the story is behind this picture. So to steal from honor The Sports Hernia, I present:

Clement Price...

...has a closet full of Cosby sweaters.

...would like to know if you would accompany him to a sock hop.

...has a signed copy of the movie The Bodyguard.

...is on Black Planet as mandingo69.

...is trying on a new pair of glasses for your approval.

...thinks you look ravishing.

...is reaching up to twist his mustache.

...still has a solid head of hair.

...did not enjoy the Mercury Morris entry.

...has a brother who sells rice and loves bowties.

...owns a miniature pony named Miracle.

...had three glasses of Merlot at lunch.

...is smiling through the pain of wearing the tie he got for Father's Day.

...enjoys wearing boy shorts under his suits.

...looks more and more like his pet owl every day.

...has been holding this pose for five minutes and wants you to take the goddamn picture already.

In Case You Were Wondering...

I haven't been posting because the internet in my house isn't working. I know that sounds like an excuse but it's the truth. I am posting this from work because they let me out of my cage for 15 minutes of Internet Free Time Minus Any Sites Containing Porn, Pornographic Images, References to Porn, the Word "Porn," Pornography, or Anything Mildly Interesting. I've talked to them about changing the title of our breaks. I took my suggestion under advisement. And I was beaten.

Fortunately, since this blog doesn't contain anything mildly interesting, it is not blocked! So I am free to write from work during my 15 minutes.

Unfortunately, nothing of note really happens at work, unless you count answering phone calls and going to the bathroom, so this post might not be as thrilling as my usual blogs.

Fortunately, I do consider going to the bathroom blogworthy, so that's what you're going to hear about.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend is the only person who reads this.

I have a short list of the stalls that I prefer in the bathroom at work. Both are against a wall, which helps to minimize the noise in the event that there is a grunter in another stall on the line. I'm not sure why these people have to make noise while shitting, and that is coming from a guy who often has intense stomach problems. Even during the most explosive episodes, I have never felt the urge to moan out loud. A guy once told me that groaning through it makes it feel better. I said that I don't think that's something I feel comfortable discussing through the partition.

So when I speedwalk into the bathroom, I usually head for the first stall on my list that is open. Then when I walk in and close the door, for some reason, I immediately pull my pants down. I don't mean down to my ankles like a 5 year old, but just down past my ass. Gentleman style. I don't know why this is because I never sit down immediately. Even if it's an emergency, I am not going to sit on a toilet seat full of pubes.

As disgusting as this is now sounding to me, I have to clean the toilet seat of whatever collection of pubes, piss, or boot scuffs, all with my pants down. Again, I don't know why I'm telling you this and I don't know why I do it. I find myself bending over in a stall, half-naked at work, cleaning another man's asspubes. It's the most depressing part of my day, and it happens 5 times a day.

That is all for now. Yep, that is what that entry was about. I wish I could tell you it was some form of meta and that I'm writing some above the rim comedy. I am not. I am writing about cleaning bathrooms naked not because it's funny but because it happened. I took a moment to try and think of something funny and all I came up with was a Larry Craig joke. I failed. This is what my life has come to. And my 15 minutes are up.

Honey, I'll see you at home.