That's None Of Your God Damn Business And I'll Thank You To Stay Out Of My Personal Affairs

If you're the type of person to ask a friend for gum, and then you take two pieces of gum, well...then you're not the type of person I want to be friends with.

Also, give me my gum back.

Programming Note

I had no idea the Grammy's were on yesterday. I mean NO idea. Zero. Was it even yesterday? Saturday? I don't know.

A real entry is coming soon.

Nonecdote Addendum

After I wrote that last entry, I sat back proudly as I thought I coined the word "nonecdote."

It turns out that this Urban Dictionary entry confirms I did not.

Unfortunate.

I still think I might have.

Lying In Bed Just Like Owen Wilson Did

I was walking past this woman's desk and she goes, "You look like Owen Wilson."

And I said, "Really? Umm...thank you?"

And she said, "Yeah. Right after he tried to kill himself."

I said, "That seems overly harsh. How long ago did it take you to think of that?"

She said, "I just thought of it now."

I said, "Last night?"

She said, "Earlier this morning."

I said, "Ah."

She said, "Seriously, though. Get a haircut."

I said, "I know. I have been meaning to."

She said, "Fuck 'meaning to.'"

I said, "Whoa, whoa."

She said, "Okay sorry. But are you going to?"

I said, "I could tell you I am, but I would have said that last week and I still haven't. So what do you want me to say?"

She said, "I don't care anyway, I don't even know why we're talking about it."

I said, "You had to make your stupid joke."

She said, "Well this whole thing seems contrived anyway."

I said, "Maybe, but I really don't want to go back to work."

She said, "Well you probably should unless you want to get fired."

I said, "Maybe I do..."

She said, "No you don't."

I said, "I know. Soo....whatelse, whatelse, whatelse.."

She said, "Go sit down."

I said, "Okay."

She said, "And fix the internet in your house."

More Work Updates

This coffee tastes like pencils.

It always tastes like pencils. I've resigned to drink pencil-flavored coffee for the rest of my life. I don't really know how to make it. That is all.

In Case You Were Wondering...

I haven't been posting because the internet in my house isn't working. I know that sounds like an excuse but it's the truth. I am posting this from work because they let me out of my cage for 15 minutes of Internet Free Time Minus Any Sites Containing Porn, Pornographic Images, References to Porn, the Word "Porn," Pornography, or Anything Mildly Interesting. I've talked to them about changing the title of our breaks. I took my suggestion under advisement. And I was beaten.

Fortunately, since this blog doesn't contain anything mildly interesting, it is not blocked! So I am free to write from work during my 15 minutes.

Unfortunately, nothing of note really happens at work, unless you count answering phone calls and going to the bathroom, so this post might not be as thrilling as my usual blogs.

Fortunately, I do consider going to the bathroom blogworthy, so that's what you're going to hear about.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend is the only person who reads this.

I have a short list of the stalls that I prefer in the bathroom at work. Both are against a wall, which helps to minimize the noise in the event that there is a grunter in another stall on the line. I'm not sure why these people have to make noise while shitting, and that is coming from a guy who often has intense stomach problems. Even during the most explosive episodes, I have never felt the urge to moan out loud. A guy once told me that groaning through it makes it feel better. I said that I don't think that's something I feel comfortable discussing through the partition.

So when I speedwalk into the bathroom, I usually head for the first stall on my list that is open. Then when I walk in and close the door, for some reason, I immediately pull my pants down. I don't mean down to my ankles like a 5 year old, but just down past my ass. Gentleman style. I don't know why this is because I never sit down immediately. Even if it's an emergency, I am not going to sit on a toilet seat full of pubes.

As disgusting as this is now sounding to me, I have to clean the toilet seat of whatever collection of pubes, piss, or boot scuffs, all with my pants down. Again, I don't know why I'm telling you this and I don't know why I do it. I find myself bending over in a stall, half-naked at work, cleaning another man's asspubes. It's the most depressing part of my day, and it happens 5 times a day.

That is all for now. Yep, that is what that entry was about. I wish I could tell you it was some form of meta and that I'm writing some above the rim comedy. I am not. I am writing about cleaning bathrooms naked not because it's funny but because it happened. I took a moment to try and think of something funny and all I came up with was a Larry Craig joke. I failed. This is what my life has come to. And my 15 minutes are up.

Honey, I'll see you at home.

Threat Level: Purple

I don't want to alarm anyone, but our country is in grave danger. You may or may not be aware of it, but it stands to threaten each and every person in America. We need to band together in a bipartisan effort to fight this evil before we are all subject to the most dire of consequences.

In case you haven't seen it already, a California Raisin is on NFL Countdown.

If they've already infiltrated ESPN, how much longer before they infiltrate a main network? And then perhaps, our government? What if it becomes mayor? Governor? Or even Vice President? Stranger things have happened.

But maybe that won't be so bad. Who am I to argue with God's plan?