Thursday, September 11, 2008

Adam Jones' Innard Monologue

Adam Pacman Jones' organs have a conversation.

Adam Jones' Brain: That was amazing. What a game! I can't believe we went a year without playing football!

Adam Jones' Legs: Hell yeah, man. I'm tired as shit but it was worth it. So much fun gettin back out there.

Adam Jones' Hands: Word, son. I'm gonna have a hun'id innaceptions.

Brain: Okay, okay I'm excited too. But we still have work to do, boys. Their only touchdown was a result of your pass interference penalty, Hands.

Hands: Say what?! Yo that was Legs' fault. All Legs, boy.

Legs: Fuck that, I was in position. You got lazy, Hands.

Brain: No matter, no matter. The most important thing is that the team won. But we still have a lot of work to do. Let's get back in the gym and prepare for the Philadelphia Eagles!

Legs: Nah, man. I'm too tired.

Brain: But what about next week?

Legs: I got nothin in the tank. I need a break. I can barely move.

Hands: Cmon, Brain. We got til Monday. Free day, yo!

Brain: I suppose you're right about that.

Legs: Let's just cool out.

Brain: Okay then. So what do you want to do tonight?

Legs: I dunno dude.

Hands: Whatever's clever.

Adam Jones' Dick: Wanna go to the strip club?

Brain: I'm sorry? Did you say something, Dick?

Dick: I said.....wanna go to the strip club.

Brain: What the fuck?! Are you kidding me, Dick? Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

Hands: Whoa, whoa, easy playboy.

Dick: Why would you talk to me like that?

Brain: Wha...wha...what are you saying. I don't know what you're saying. I didn't hear that.

Dick: Listen-

Brain: No!

Dick: Just hear me out!

Legs: Brain, listen to him, man. We all in this together.

Brain: Ugh. You're right, Legs. Fine. Go ahead, Dick. I apologize for my language.

Dick: Look, all I'm sayin is. We back in the league, right? We 1-0, right? We been good, right? Why can't we just relax in the club?

Brain: I listened. The answer is no.

Dick: It won't be like the old days. I've changed. We've all changed. Have we even gotten in trouble in the past 12 months?

Brain: Yes! Hands punched a stripper in the eye in January!

Hands: ...Why you gotta bring up old shit...

Dick: But! We didn't get arrested.

Brain: Because I paid her off!

Dick: Look we can go back and forth all night. I think we all know that our rightful place is in that strip club. We need that strip club. We make the strip club. We are the strip club.

Brain: What the fuck does that mean?

Legs: I'm in.

Brain: WHAT?! You said you couldn't even move.

Legs: Fuck it.

Brain: Umm, "Fuck it?"

Hands: You heard him, you fuckin nerd. (sings) We goin striiiiip cluuuub. We goin striiiip cluuub.

Brain: Gentlemen, please. Let's just discuss this like civilized-

Dick: What's up, Balls. You in?

Adam Jones' Balls: Ehh, I don't know. I'm partial to Hooters, personally.

Hands: Shiiit we went to Hooters for your ass last time.

Dick: Why would you take Hooters over a strip club?

Balls: I like to have a bit of mystery.

Dick: That is retarded.

Balls: Ya know what? You're a DICK.

Dick: Wow, that's really fresh. Never heard that one. Original.

Legs: Fuck this noise. I'm walkin.

Brain: Legs, stop. Look we don't have to-

Hands: Can I slap a bitch?

Brain: No!

Dick: Yes.

Brain: NO! What the fuck, Dick?!

Dick: We're goin, Brain. You know it and I know it. You may as well come with.

Brain: I will NOT.

Dick: Suit yourself. But you know what happens when you don't come. Things get....unfortunate...

Brain: Fine. Look we'll just go for an hour. JUST AN HOUR. Then we come home.

Hands: (sings) I'ma grab some tittays in da strip cluuuub.

Brain: No, Hands. No grabbing. No drinking. No shooting. Everyone got that?

Dick: Of course, of course. There's just one problem. Jerry Jones ordered all the strip clubs in Dallas to bar Pacman Jones from entering.

Brain: That's why I changed it to Adam last month.

Legs: Wow.

Dick: I am impressed.

Hands: Yo Brain, you's a genius!

Brain: You know it. So should we call Tank?

Adam Jones' Stomach: Nah, fuck that. That fat bitch eat all my wings.

Brain: Good call. Alright let's go. Hands, get the weed.


xmas_girl said...


Phil said...

Well done sir. I'm waiting for you to be linked by some established sports blog man, I mean, YOU CAN WRITE! Oh wait...

These second and third and fourth person things really work! HUaD McS's.

-Phil B.

Anonymous said...

alright, that's it. Turn off the internet, because it's not going to get any better than THAT!

Brown said...

I'm waiting for you to be linked by some established sports blog man

Sports blogs, ahthankyouverymuch.

Thanks everyone for the support. Looks like all that shameless self-promotion paid off!