Good afternoon, misdirected Google searchers! I'm sorry you did not find what you are looking for here. Blogger has a strict policy against posting bukkake videos. But before you navigate back to search again and feed the beast, please enjoy my comedic offerings that won't cost you a monthly fee or a visit from the FBI.
The following is a list that should be self-explanatory if you bothered reading the title.
10. Hottie
This word isn't banned for use by straight men, we just don't use it. We never did. You only hear gay men and straight women using the word "hottie" to describe an allegedly attractive female. Straight guys don't elbow each other and say, "Check out this hottie!" Even just typing that gave me the vague notion that I wanted to kiss a man.
The word has largely fallen out of favor with the general populace as well. So even if you're a woman and you use this in front of your guy friends, you're just embarrassing yourself. "Hottie" only remains prevalent in gossip rags and in the mouths of gay men. There has to be a better way to word that.
And you may disagree because you have a straight friend who uses the word "hottie." Well guess what? You have a gay friend. Enjoy that conversation.
9. Booty
With apologies to Latin Americans, this is not acceptable in the straight male world. Men don't refer to a woman's ass as her "booty." It is really weird and juvenile. I've never heard a straight man say it. I'd rather say "tooshie" than "booty," even though now I'm not so sure that's true. But I wrote it so there's no going back. For your own sake, you should consider them both off the list. Sorry, Mexicans. I'll make it up to you later.
8. Supple
"Supple" is a word reserved for your grandmother. "Supple" is a word reserved for Literotica. It makes me think of pregnant women and milk-filled cow udders. And while both of those may be hot in their own right, the word itself still is not appropriate in describing normal women. "Supple" sounds like life is going to spring out of your loins at any moment. Most guys will tell you that a woman's ability to produce children isn't what exactly what they think about when they bust a nut. Unless they're gambling with the rhythm method.
So save "supple" for doctors and grandmas. There is nothing sexy about "supple." Unless, of course, you write for Literotica.
7. Ravishing
Sorry, Clement Price. "Ravishing" is strictly off limits unless you have a British accent, thus making it impossible to determine if you are gay or straight. "Ravishing" is creepy simply by its origin. Here is the definition of "ravish" via dictionary.com:
1 a: to seize and take away by violence b: to overcome with emotion (as joy or delight) <ravished by the scenic beauty> c: RAPE
Sooo, yeah. Does that still sound appealing? Does anyone want to be told they are rapingly beautiful? I don't think so. Leave "ravishing" to the Brits. And, no, your Austin Powers impression does not qualify.
Side note: I am writing this at work and someone just walked behind me as I typed the words "rapingly beautiful." I think that means this qualifies for the "i'm fired aren't i" tag.
6. Mommy*
There are few things more disturbing in this world than hearing a male call his mother (or anyone) "Mommy." That goes for any male, any age. When I have a son, he is never allowed to refer to his mother as "Mommy," but he has a 5 year grace period where I won't beat him for it. I have adult friends (yes, I do) who actually call their mother "Mommy." I ask them why and they claim, "I say 'Mommy' to my siblings because that's how we know her." I ask them if they still want to breastfeed and they say, "Yes. I mean no! Well, I mean, it depends. Is it going to make things weird? Would she be into it? Did she say anything about me?"
Consider yourselves on notice, Mommy-loving America. Don't call your mother "Mommy." Unless, of course, she's into it.
*Hello, Mexicans! Here is your special reprieve! Mexicans are allowed to say "Mami" about a woman without sounding gay or creepy. Granted, whatever you say following "Mami" is definitely going to be creepy, but that's why we love ya!
5. Daddy
See #6. And then blow your head off with a shotgun.
4. Tasty
I'm not sure if people are saying this, but I think it's worth taking the time to be sure. If you know someone who is saying this about women, do not let him into your fraternity. He is a giant waste of your time and energy and just listening to him pontificate about his conquests with women is going to make your frat less appealing to the opposite sex. You don't want to be known as the tool frat after he wears kanye glasses to a party and when a girl goes by he lifts them up to his forehead and elbows you and says, "That broad is taaaaastyyy." Is that the kind of party you want to throw? If it is then you should all buy shutter shades and then get custom t-shirt jerseys with your nicknames across the back because that is definitely awesome.
Please. Let's keep "tasty" in 80's cinema where it belongs.
3. Cuntrag
This word is another one that I find-...wait a minute. Cuntrag? I'm sorry. That doesn't belong here at all. Moving on.
2. Cutie
Saying the word "cutie" makes a man feel as diminutive as the female he is describing. Saying "cutie" makes you scrunch your face up until you look like the petite little lady herself. Go ahead and say "cutie" right now and watch as your hands gravitate toward your hips. The word is just too effeminate to be used by a straight man. It sounds as if you might just follow it with "pie" or "patootie." And once you go there, there is only one place you end up: Rooty Tooty Fruity Cutie Town.
1. Smart
Sorry ladies. Love yaaaa.
Showing posts with label hookers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hookers. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
18 Ways to Destroy Your Relationship
MSN Lifestyle is back with more relationship tips. Let's discuss them in a fair open-minded forum that is definitely not sexist.
18 Clues He's Still Crazy About You
You say your husband can't express his feelings? Here are all the funny little ways he says, "I love you."
By Ann Hodgman
1. When you wear a T-shirt, boxers, and socks to bed, somehow he still thinks you're cute.
Hey we're off to a great start. Feeling confident, ladies? Even when you look like a slob because you're not decked out in a skirt and a push-up bra and a thong and crazy boots with buckles on them and one of those weird scarf belts that hides your fopa, somehow he thinks you're still cute.
Well guess what, ANN. Any guy who is worth your time likes that look. Presumably he thinks you are cute, so all the deception and misdirection of your clothing shouldn't really matter. Lingerie and the like are okay, but the idea is that we're in it for you. Plus, the t-shirt and boxers look shows off more than you think. Sometimes you can catch some hard nips, and if you find the right angle, you might even get yourself a box shot.
There is a limit to this look of course. But as long as the boxers aren't shitstained and the t-shirt doesn't say COCK DEPOT, you should be alright.
2. He doesn't laugh when you pronounce former hockey star Mark Messier's name as "Mark Messy-er."
Andddd we have our first swing-and-a-miss. It was fun while it lasted. One in a row, though. That was a nice streak.
First of all, ANN, Mark Messier plays hockey. Nobody watches hockey. Are you writing this from Canada? Did you run out of names of jockeys? Even professional soccer has more recognizable names.
Also? Messier last played in the NHL in 2004, and he hasn't been relevant since 1994. But I like your attempt at being topical. Got any Lewinsky jokes coming?
Finally, he will laugh. Mispronouncing his last name is retarded. It's not retarded because you don't know sports, it's retarded because you don't know language. But there's good news. You're women. You're all retarded. And we love you anyway. In fact, we might even love you because you're retarded. I know that might not seem romantic, but I think it's time we all admit it.
3. The only framed photo on his bureau is of you at age ten — with short bangs, cat glasses, and metal braces. (If he kept it in his wallet, you would have to kill him.)
First of all, what the fuck is a bureau.
Second of all, HOLY SHIT WHAT KIND OF CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU DATING?!? His only picture of you is from when you were age ten? TEN! If it was a baby picture, that would be adorable. If it was a picture up to age 5, that would be endearing. If it was a picture of you as an adult, that would be romantic. If it's a picture of you when you were ten, that would be a felony.
If your boyfriend has this, he may in fact still love you....in a not-so-appropriate way. Just make sure you don't have kids.
Separate questions that should have been asked if I wasn't trying to wash my brain of the image of a guy biting his lip while thumbing the picture of a ten year old girl:
What are cat glasses?
What kind of non-metal braces would have been available when you were ten?
Why would he keep that in his wallet?
Why would you have to kill him?
Why are you trying to be funny?
4. He automatically smooshes all spiders for you.
Is he wearing a dress while he does it? Guys don't "smoosh" things. Sorry. We kill bugs, yes. But we do not smoosh. Which is unfortunate because we all know how attractive it is to see your man kill a spider and then go, "Don't worry, honey. I smooshed him. I smooshed him good. Now he's bye-bye-all-gone. I made him all squishy-wishies. Sooo do you want to have some straight sex now? Because that's definitely what I'm into."
5. He tried — unsuccessfully, but he tried — to clean the rust ring his shaving-cream can left on the sink.
What the fuck would this prove. If a guy is doing that, then he is a beaten man who has chosen to do what you say rather than listen to you nag. The rust does not need to be cleaned off a fucking can of shaving cream. A can of shaving cream is not a permanent fixture in the house. It is disposable. It will be gone and you will buy a new can. It is not something she uses or needs to look at. There is absolutely no need to clean it, let alone attempt a rust-removal procedure. This is a complete fucking horseshit task that a woman asks you to do just to maintain control over you. You need to slap that bitch in the mouth and tell her that you're the man of the house and your manly products are under your manly jurisdiction.*
That or just clean it anyway. That's what I do.
6. After you rear-ended that Lexus in the parking lot, his very first words were "Are you OK?"
*I misread Clue #5 and thought she meant that the shaving can itself had rust on it. I was unaware that there were shaving cans still making rust rings on sinks. I guess you can always cover the rust ring with your bottle of hair tonic. At any rate, my diatribe made me look like an asshole. Luckily, Clue #6 slams women drivers, and I think that will take the attention away from me quite nicely.
Apparently, even fellow women think you are terrible drivers. There will continue to be unequal pay in the workplace so long as women drive like idiots claiming men's lives with car accidents and road rage-induced heart attacks.
I tried to imagine what my natural reaction would be in this case. I think there's a very high chance that I would say "Are you OK?" There's a small chance that my reaction would be, "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME," if the accident was preceded by, "Babe, watch out for this car. You can text her later."
7. At this point, his wedding band is so tight, it makes his finger look swollen — but he swears he'd feel naked without it.
Clue #7 is completely transparent. It is not a "clue" about him loving you at all. It's her way of saying, "Look, I know your husband got fat. I know he probably got a little more than fat. Not like a healthy fat or a thick fat. I know he got fat-in-all-the-wrong-places fat. But he's still wearing his wedding band, and that's worth something. I know that, additionally, the sight of his fat fingers swelling around the ring disgusts you and is a constant reminder of just how not sexually attracted you are to him. But come on, you're no Heidi Klum yourself. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You haven't, have you? Can't stand the sight of it? Don't want to know? You think he likes all that extra cottage cheese in the house? Well, he doesn't. The years haven't been kind to either of you. But at least he still wears his wedding band. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it shows that your husband is still committed to you even though you have become two slovenly beasts."
8. He doesn't try to guess what you want for your birthday — he asks your best friend.
I don't know who is still guessing what their girlfriend wants at this point. We may not get you the perfect gift. We may not get you the right size. We may get you something you hate. But as a culture we're done guessing.
The last guy to guess was Fred Flinstone and Wilma was NOT happy with that bowling ball. I think we all saw that episode, and I think we all learned a little something.
9. He's incapable of putting dishes into the dishwasher but has learned to stack them in the sink.
At times this article reads more like, 18 Ways to Cope with Your Constantly Disappointing Boyfriend.
And I have no problem with that. Please continue to set the bar as low as possible.
10. He understands which old boyfriends are fair game and which aren't.
I'm sorry, what? What exactly does "fair game" mean? This isn't one of those jokes where I pretend not to know what she's talking about in order to make some deliberate obvious joke. I really don't get what the fuck that means, and the more I read it the angrier I get.
Seriously. I just sat here and stared at that sentence for five minutes with the idea that I would write the possibilities of what that could mean. I have no idea. Someone please help. If there is a "fair game" rule in the female handbook that we haven't discovered yet, we need to know about it.
11. He doesn't "whoop!" while watching the Super Bowl anymore. OK, he does, but he's definitely cut back the whooping by about 20 percent.
See, this is why you are single and writing relationship advice columns that are 0% helpful and 20% hurtful. No one "whoops" during the Super Bowl. No one "whoops" during football at all. "Whoop" sounds like the noise a gay man would make while watching America's Next Top Model, making tiny little claps, and jumping on a mini-trampoline. You're an idiot who obviously knows nothing about football or men.
I apologize for the gay man comment. I do not know any gay men who would actually "whoop."
12. He'll pick up a box of tampons at the drugstore without wincing.
You may not have noticed it, but there is always wincing. Even if you're just a crushed soul in a shell of a man who doesn't blink at your wife's commands, you still wince at that request. If only on the inside...
I had to pick up my first box of pads two weeks ago. It was a nightmare. There are like a million different brands and a billion variations. Always. Always with wings. Always with extended wings. Regular. Heavy flow. Super. Family size. Overnight leak protection. Ultra thin. Overnight leak protection ultra thin with extended wings.
When I got to the counter, I felt slightly uncomfortable buying tampons and pads for the first time, with no additional items. I put them down and told the checkout girl, "Guarantee I got the wrong kind." She said, "$21.43." I don't think she appreciated my quip.
I learned 5 things from my first time picking up feminine hygiene products:
1) Tampons go in and pads go out.
2) Always get Ultra Thin.
3) Never get the CVS brand of tampons. Sorry about the papercuts, Xmas Girl.
4) Family size is a quantity.
5) After you get them once, you are now officially in charge of picking up pads for the rest of your life.
13. Though you've had several kids together, he's never once announced, "We're pregnant!"
That would be a bad thing? I think I saw a movie where the girl wanted the man to say "we're" pregnant rather than "you're" pregnant. I thought that was supposed to be important to women because it shows that you consider yourselves a team and that you always go through everything together.
Are you suggesting that saying "we're pregnant" would not be masculine? Is he supposed to say, "Heyyy you're pregnant that's great let me know that works out for you. Now could you go ahead and fuck off, I'll be in the waiting room tell me when it's out."
Seriously, ladies. Figure out what the fuck you want.
14. He wears that "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" sweatshirt you bought him during a weak moment — sometimes even in public.
I can't think of a more effective way to determine the state of your relationship than buying your boyfriend this shirt.
If your girlfriend buys you this shirt, you should dump her because that shit is corny.
If your girlfriend buys you this shirt and you like it, then you should propose because you are two corny motherfuckers.
15. He's careful never to deal with nose hairs in your presence.
Why is this considered disgusting? I've never done this, but from what I've seen on Queer Eye, it's a little electric buzzer the size of a pen that the guy puts in his nose for 2 seconds. That is so gross that it is to be done in private?
Ya know what? If that bothers you, then go fuck yourself. Because no one else is going to.
16. When you drag him to sentimental movies, he doesn't sit there and snicker. (He may fall asleep, but he won't snicker.)
HOW DO YOU NOT [LAUGH] AT SEX AND THE CITY?!?
Listen I'm a sensitive guy. Very sensitive. Too sensitive. But not about vapid chick flicks that masquerade as "sentimental" movies. I saw the sex and the city movie. It was boring and pointless. I'll give you the rundown of the movie fromthe actual Plot Keywords on IMDB. *Spoiler Alert*
Marriage
Sex
Friendship
Honeymoon
Writer
Wedding Dress
Apartment
Mexico
Marital Separation
Valentine's Day
Overeating
Soiling Pants
Personal Assistant
Limousine
Cell Phone
Brooklyn Bridge
Wedding Planner
Fashion Show
Male Frontal Nudity
New York City
Birth
New Year's Eve
Hospital
Legs
Brooklyn New York
Sunbathing
Shoe
Gay Stereotype
Purse
Diarrhea
Getting Cold Feet
Female Nudity
Magazine
Adultery
Narration
Sequel To TV Series
Blockbuster
Actor
Body Waxing
Closet
Los Angeles California
Forgiveness
Shower
Fashion Magazine
Voice Mail
Costume
Flashback Sequence
Swimsuit
Pregnant Woman's Water Breaks
Library
Courthouse
Male Female Relationship
E Mail
Sex With Food
Dog
Based On TV Series
Break Up
Child Swearing
Love Letter
Depression
Sushi
Nyotaimori
Gay Kiss
Based On Television Series
Pregnancy
Sex Standing Up
Covered Female Frontal Nudity
Magazine Editor
Canceled Wedding
Fashion
Interracial Adoption
I had a joke written where I run down the fake plot points, but the real ones are actually much funnier. Have fun picking your favorites.
My personal favorite is that Sex and the City is the only movie on IMDB that uses both the "Soiling Pants" and "Diarrhea" tags.
17. He doesn't comment on your new haircut unless you ask him to. And then he lies.
Lies: the hallmark of a loving, healthy relationship.
Ladies, I'll save you the time. We don't care about your haircut. Up, down, bangs, straight, dyed, whatever. Do what you gotta do. So long as it's not a boycut. Guys want to date Kim Bauer, not Teri Bauer.
So please, leave the short hair to the men. We can't both look like a lesbian elf.
18. He may forget to give you a card for Valentine's Day, but at least he understands this is a criminal offense. And he's prepared to pay the price.
The price? Having your girlfriend read you an article out of MSN Lifestyle.
18 Clues He's Still Crazy About You
You say your husband can't express his feelings? Here are all the funny little ways he says, "I love you."
By Ann Hodgman
1. When you wear a T-shirt, boxers, and socks to bed, somehow he still thinks you're cute.
Hey we're off to a great start. Feeling confident, ladies? Even when you look like a slob because you're not decked out in a skirt and a push-up bra and a thong and crazy boots with buckles on them and one of those weird scarf belts that hides your fopa, somehow he thinks you're still cute.
Well guess what, ANN. Any guy who is worth your time likes that look. Presumably he thinks you are cute, so all the deception and misdirection of your clothing shouldn't really matter. Lingerie and the like are okay, but the idea is that we're in it for you. Plus, the t-shirt and boxers look shows off more than you think. Sometimes you can catch some hard nips, and if you find the right angle, you might even get yourself a box shot.
There is a limit to this look of course. But as long as the boxers aren't shitstained and the t-shirt doesn't say COCK DEPOT, you should be alright.
2. He doesn't laugh when you pronounce former hockey star Mark Messier's name as "Mark Messy-er."
Andddd we have our first swing-and-a-miss. It was fun while it lasted. One in a row, though. That was a nice streak.
First of all, ANN, Mark Messier plays hockey. Nobody watches hockey. Are you writing this from Canada? Did you run out of names of jockeys? Even professional soccer has more recognizable names.
Also? Messier last played in the NHL in 2004, and he hasn't been relevant since 1994. But I like your attempt at being topical. Got any Lewinsky jokes coming?
Finally, he will laugh. Mispronouncing his last name is retarded. It's not retarded because you don't know sports, it's retarded because you don't know language. But there's good news. You're women. You're all retarded. And we love you anyway. In fact, we might even love you because you're retarded. I know that might not seem romantic, but I think it's time we all admit it.
3. The only framed photo on his bureau is of you at age ten — with short bangs, cat glasses, and metal braces. (If he kept it in his wallet, you would have to kill him.)
First of all, what the fuck is a bureau.
Second of all, HOLY SHIT WHAT KIND OF CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU DATING?!? His only picture of you is from when you were age ten? TEN! If it was a baby picture, that would be adorable. If it was a picture up to age 5, that would be endearing. If it was a picture of you as an adult, that would be romantic. If it's a picture of you when you were ten, that would be a felony.
If your boyfriend has this, he may in fact still love you....in a not-so-appropriate way. Just make sure you don't have kids.
Separate questions that should have been asked if I wasn't trying to wash my brain of the image of a guy biting his lip while thumbing the picture of a ten year old girl:
What are cat glasses?
What kind of non-metal braces would have been available when you were ten?
Why would he keep that in his wallet?
Why would you have to kill him?
Why are you trying to be funny?
4. He automatically smooshes all spiders for you.
Is he wearing a dress while he does it? Guys don't "smoosh" things. Sorry. We kill bugs, yes. But we do not smoosh. Which is unfortunate because we all know how attractive it is to see your man kill a spider and then go, "Don't worry, honey. I smooshed him. I smooshed him good. Now he's bye-bye-all-gone. I made him all squishy-wishies. Sooo do you want to have some straight sex now? Because that's definitely what I'm into."
5. He tried — unsuccessfully, but he tried — to clean the rust ring his shaving-cream can left on the sink.
What the fuck would this prove. If a guy is doing that, then he is a beaten man who has chosen to do what you say rather than listen to you nag. The rust does not need to be cleaned off a fucking can of shaving cream. A can of shaving cream is not a permanent fixture in the house. It is disposable. It will be gone and you will buy a new can. It is not something she uses or needs to look at. There is absolutely no need to clean it, let alone attempt a rust-removal procedure. This is a complete fucking horseshit task that a woman asks you to do just to maintain control over you. You need to slap that bitch in the mouth and tell her that you're the man of the house and your manly products are under your manly jurisdiction.*
That or just clean it anyway. That's what I do.
6. After you rear-ended that Lexus in the parking lot, his very first words were "Are you OK?"
*I misread Clue #5 and thought she meant that the shaving can itself had rust on it. I was unaware that there were shaving cans still making rust rings on sinks. I guess you can always cover the rust ring with your bottle of hair tonic. At any rate, my diatribe made me look like an asshole. Luckily, Clue #6 slams women drivers, and I think that will take the attention away from me quite nicely.
Apparently, even fellow women think you are terrible drivers. There will continue to be unequal pay in the workplace so long as women drive like idiots claiming men's lives with car accidents and road rage-induced heart attacks.
I tried to imagine what my natural reaction would be in this case. I think there's a very high chance that I would say "Are you OK?" There's a small chance that my reaction would be, "Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME," if the accident was preceded by, "Babe, watch out for this car. You can text her later."
7. At this point, his wedding band is so tight, it makes his finger look swollen — but he swears he'd feel naked without it.
Clue #7 is completely transparent. It is not a "clue" about him loving you at all. It's her way of saying, "Look, I know your husband got fat. I know he probably got a little more than fat. Not like a healthy fat or a thick fat. I know he got fat-in-all-the-wrong-places fat. But he's still wearing his wedding band, and that's worth something. I know that, additionally, the sight of his fat fingers swelling around the ring disgusts you and is a constant reminder of just how not sexually attracted you are to him. But come on, you're no Heidi Klum yourself. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You haven't, have you? Can't stand the sight of it? Don't want to know? You think he likes all that extra cottage cheese in the house? Well, he doesn't. The years haven't been kind to either of you. But at least he still wears his wedding band. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it shows that your husband is still committed to you even though you have become two slovenly beasts."
8. He doesn't try to guess what you want for your birthday — he asks your best friend.
I don't know who is still guessing what their girlfriend wants at this point. We may not get you the perfect gift. We may not get you the right size. We may get you something you hate. But as a culture we're done guessing.
The last guy to guess was Fred Flinstone and Wilma was NOT happy with that bowling ball. I think we all saw that episode, and I think we all learned a little something.
9. He's incapable of putting dishes into the dishwasher but has learned to stack them in the sink.
At times this article reads more like, 18 Ways to Cope with Your Constantly Disappointing Boyfriend.
And I have no problem with that. Please continue to set the bar as low as possible.
10. He understands which old boyfriends are fair game and which aren't.
I'm sorry, what? What exactly does "fair game" mean? This isn't one of those jokes where I pretend not to know what she's talking about in order to make some deliberate obvious joke. I really don't get what the fuck that means, and the more I read it the angrier I get.
Seriously. I just sat here and stared at that sentence for five minutes with the idea that I would write the possibilities of what that could mean. I have no idea. Someone please help. If there is a "fair game" rule in the female handbook that we haven't discovered yet, we need to know about it.
11. He doesn't "whoop!" while watching the Super Bowl anymore. OK, he does, but he's definitely cut back the whooping by about 20 percent.
See, this is why you are single and writing relationship advice columns that are 0% helpful and 20% hurtful. No one "whoops" during the Super Bowl. No one "whoops" during football at all. "Whoop" sounds like the noise a gay man would make while watching America's Next Top Model, making tiny little claps, and jumping on a mini-trampoline. You're an idiot who obviously knows nothing about football or men.
I apologize for the gay man comment. I do not know any gay men who would actually "whoop."
12. He'll pick up a box of tampons at the drugstore without wincing.
You may not have noticed it, but there is always wincing. Even if you're just a crushed soul in a shell of a man who doesn't blink at your wife's commands, you still wince at that request. If only on the inside...
I had to pick up my first box of pads two weeks ago. It was a nightmare. There are like a million different brands and a billion variations. Always. Always with wings. Always with extended wings. Regular. Heavy flow. Super. Family size. Overnight leak protection. Ultra thin. Overnight leak protection ultra thin with extended wings.
When I got to the counter, I felt slightly uncomfortable buying tampons and pads for the first time, with no additional items. I put them down and told the checkout girl, "Guarantee I got the wrong kind." She said, "$21.43." I don't think she appreciated my quip.
I learned 5 things from my first time picking up feminine hygiene products:
1) Tampons go in and pads go out.
2) Always get Ultra Thin.
3) Never get the CVS brand of tampons. Sorry about the papercuts, Xmas Girl.
4) Family size is a quantity.
5) After you get them once, you are now officially in charge of picking up pads for the rest of your life.
13. Though you've had several kids together, he's never once announced, "We're pregnant!"
That would be a bad thing? I think I saw a movie where the girl wanted the man to say "we're" pregnant rather than "you're" pregnant. I thought that was supposed to be important to women because it shows that you consider yourselves a team and that you always go through everything together.
Are you suggesting that saying "we're pregnant" would not be masculine? Is he supposed to say, "Heyyy you're pregnant that's great let me know that works out for you. Now could you go ahead and fuck off, I'll be in the waiting room tell me when it's out."
Seriously, ladies. Figure out what the fuck you want.
14. He wears that "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" sweatshirt you bought him during a weak moment — sometimes even in public.
I can't think of a more effective way to determine the state of your relationship than buying your boyfriend this shirt.
If your girlfriend buys you this shirt, you should dump her because that shit is corny.
If your girlfriend buys you this shirt and you like it, then you should propose because you are two corny motherfuckers.
15. He's careful never to deal with nose hairs in your presence.
Why is this considered disgusting? I've never done this, but from what I've seen on Queer Eye, it's a little electric buzzer the size of a pen that the guy puts in his nose for 2 seconds. That is so gross that it is to be done in private?
Ya know what? If that bothers you, then go fuck yourself. Because no one else is going to.
16. When you drag him to sentimental movies, he doesn't sit there and snicker. (He may fall asleep, but he won't snicker.)
HOW DO YOU NOT [LAUGH] AT SEX AND THE CITY?!?
Listen I'm a sensitive guy. Very sensitive. Too sensitive. But not about vapid chick flicks that masquerade as "sentimental" movies. I saw the sex and the city movie. It was boring and pointless. I'll give you the rundown of the movie fromthe actual Plot Keywords on IMDB. *Spoiler Alert*
Marriage
Sex
Friendship
Honeymoon
Writer
Wedding Dress
Apartment
Mexico
Marital Separation
Valentine's Day
Overeating
Soiling Pants
Personal Assistant
Limousine
Cell Phone
Brooklyn Bridge
Wedding Planner
Fashion Show
Male Frontal Nudity
New York City
Birth
New Year's Eve
Hospital
Legs
Brooklyn New York
Sunbathing
Shoe
Gay Stereotype
Purse
Diarrhea
Getting Cold Feet
Female Nudity
Magazine
Adultery
Narration
Sequel To TV Series
Blockbuster
Actor
Body Waxing
Closet
Los Angeles California
Forgiveness
Shower
Fashion Magazine
Voice Mail
Costume
Flashback Sequence
Swimsuit
Pregnant Woman's Water Breaks
Library
Courthouse
Male Female Relationship
E Mail
Sex With Food
Dog
Based On TV Series
Break Up
Child Swearing
Love Letter
Depression
Sushi
Nyotaimori
Gay Kiss
Based On Television Series
Pregnancy
Sex Standing Up
Covered Female Frontal Nudity
Magazine Editor
Canceled Wedding
Fashion
Interracial Adoption
I had a joke written where I run down the fake plot points, but the real ones are actually much funnier. Have fun picking your favorites.
My personal favorite is that Sex and the City is the only movie on IMDB that uses both the "Soiling Pants" and "Diarrhea" tags.
17. He doesn't comment on your new haircut unless you ask him to. And then he lies.
Lies: the hallmark of a loving, healthy relationship.
Ladies, I'll save you the time. We don't care about your haircut. Up, down, bangs, straight, dyed, whatever. Do what you gotta do. So long as it's not a boycut. Guys want to date Kim Bauer, not Teri Bauer.
So please, leave the short hair to the men. We can't both look like a lesbian elf.
18. He may forget to give you a card for Valentine's Day, but at least he understands this is a criminal offense. And he's prepared to pay the price.
The price? Having your girlfriend read you an article out of MSN Lifestyle.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
What Are You The Rug Doctor?
Whenever you feel like you've got nothing to write about, you can always count on MSN Lifestyle to provide you with hours of entertainment. The Lifestyle section deals mainly in relationship advice and diet tips usually reserved for the cover of Cosmo. You'd think these articles would be weak, tepid fluff pieces with little or no redeeming value. But you'd be wrong. They're abominations of human culture and sure signs that the end is rapidly approaching.
Today, I found a piece on Lifestyle called "Is She Cheating?" Well that depends. If by "she" do you mean "every woman ever?" Then the answer is "Yes." A resounding yes. All women flirt. All women cheat.
And yes I am aware that my girlfriend reads this blog. In fact, she's probably reading it right now, since I force her to read it while I watch her and gauge her every reaction. But, Xmas Girl, I don't want you to take this blog entry as some sort of implicit threat regarding our relationship. It is an explicit threat. Cheating will not be tolerated, even if you have good reasons.
You have a great gal.
So great, in fact, that I am reading an article titled "Is She Cheating?"
So great, in fact, that she attracts packs of men who try to capture her attention or, worse, coax her out of her clothes.
How are those two separate ideas? What kind of rational is it to draw a line between "trying to capture her attention" and "coaxing her out of her clothes?" Is there a man in the world who is so naive as to think that someone would simply want to get her attention and then stop short of having sex?
They could be platonic friends. Or they could be interlopers, scourges bent on emasculating and circumventing you.
"Vacillating between wanton courtships like a mercurial perfidious coquette!
Sorry. I got a thesaurus for Christmas and I get a bit carried away."
What to do?
Definitely don't follow her to another house and then watch her from your car in the WaWa parking lot across the street using night vision goggles. Did you know that's considered illegal?
"Everything starts with having ground rules, open communication, and strategies for how to proceed," says Janice Levine, Ph.D., a psychologist in Lexington, Massachusetts, and the author of Why Do Fools Fall in Love?
Why Do Fools Fall in Love? is the follow-up to her first book, the smash-hit General and Elementary Guide to Problem-Solving.
Either blowing your lid or turning a blind eye could create more problems than addressing the situation head-on.
But no more problems than following her and camping out across the street in the WaWa parking lot with your survival gear will create. I'm tellin ya. Do NOT do that...
The following tips will help you know if there really are signs of a cheating wife or girlfriend and stand your ground without devolving into a raging, soon-to-be-single maniac. Read on: Your love life could depend on it.
If you have to encourage your reader to "read on," you're probably not writing a very compelling piece. Now let's continue with the article.
THE OVERLY INTERESTED BOSS
Worry when . . . she's focused on pleasing him, not doing her job.
She's focused on pleasing him and not doing her job? That's a "sign?" I think we're beyond worry if she wants to "please" her boss. Maybe I'm just an asshole boyfriend but that's creepy out the gate.
And not to quibble (it's really not my style you know) but if she's focused on pleasing him, doesn't that make this category "The Overly Interested Employee?"
Not when . . . he's a kindhearted mentor.
Oh! Is that when not to be worried? Phew! I've met her boss and he is surely just a kindhearted mentor who is 97 years old and in a wheelchair. But I didn't know if I should be worried or not until you just let me off the hook!
His motives could be sincere, and if she's happy at work, she'll be happy at home, says Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of Why Can't You Read My Mind?
If she's happy at work, she'll be happy at home.
That is the laziest dimestore non-psychoanalysis that I've ever read. If this "writer" actually contacted a "doctor" for his professional opinion about the relationship between someone's work life and their home life, and he said THAT, then he is basically saying FUCK OFF.
Let me ask you then, Doctor: if she's happy at home then is she happy at work? Is that even remotely true? Does that fall under the transitive property of I-Never-Really-Went-To-School-To-Be-A-Psychologist-But-I-Read-A-Lot-Of-Redbook?
You are the worst Dr. Jeff since Dr. Jeff Gardere.
Your move: Lead with concern for her, not your issues. If she thinks you have an agenda, she'll become defensive and fail to see any negatives, just to prove you wrong.
None of this advice is specific to this category.
Say, "It seems your boss is really helping you. How's that going?"
Then when she says, "That was the most transparent ham-handed segue I've ever heard," you start sweating profusely. Then start stammering an explanation to buy yourself time. Follow that by urinating in your pants, hiccuping uncontrollably, and then blurt out, "Are you fucking your boss yes or no yes or no?!?!?!?" THEN drop to your knees and start bawling hysterically.
Follow my advice to the T, and you will have artfully coerced the information out of her that she was not in fact sleeping with her boss, but she is now.
THE EX SHE'S STILL FRIENDS WITH
Worry when . . . they talk frequently and secretly. Regular contact sends up flares. Covertness fires a cannon.
Not when . . . she has a once-a-year, 15-minute phone call. There's a lot of history -- some good.
Okay wait. So wait. Wait.
What IN THE FUCK does that line mean?
I'm not even going to touch on the horrible construction of that sentence, but I have no idea what he is saying with that line. Is he saying that there is a lot of history between your girlfriend and her ex? Well I highly doubt that is true. My girlfriend went out with a guy for three years and they never talked, hooked up or even met. I don't think girls have much history with their ex-boyfriends.
But let's just assume that is true. How would some of their history be "good?" Do you mean good in the sense that they might have enjoyed each other's company at some time? Well, as I'm sure that's true and as enjoyable as that is to picture, WHO THE FUCKS CARES ABOUT THAT NOW.
Your move: Calmly say, "I have a problem with the relationship, because I don't understand it. Can you tell me what it does for you?" suggests Jackie Jaye Brandt, M.F.T., a psychotherapist in Universal City, California. You're not being invasive, you're just gathering information. An ultimatum leads to resentment -- or abandonment. Be ready to walk out the door if she picks him.
Be ready to walk out the door if she says she wants to be with another man and you aren't him and she doesn't care for you and your stuff is packed and outside of the apartment. Is this article written for men or women?
THE EX SHE STILL PINES FOR
...What the fuck is going on here. Am I in Baby Land? Am I in a fictitious land for babies where the most simple of life lessons are spoonfed to people in supposedly adult relationships? That has to be it. I must be in a land for FUCKING BABIES WHO WOULD HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME DECIDING WHAT TO DO IF THEIR GIRLFRIEND STILL WANTED TO BE WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND.
Here's a spoiler for the .02% of you who might actually need advice in this situation because you are mentally retarded. When your girlfriend wants someone else, GET RID OF THAT BUS STATION SKANK. THAT'S IT. YOUR ONLY DECISION IS WHETHER OR NOT TO THROW A GOODBYE FUCK BEFORE YOU TELL HER THAT YOU ARE THROUGH. THE END. THE DISHES ARE FUCKING DONE, MAN. MOVE ON TO THE NEXT MORALLY BANKRUPT HARLOT WHO WILL SMILE UP IN YOUR FACE AND FUCK HER EX WHEN YOU GO TO WORK.
Worry when . . . she drops his name in subtle or obvious comparisons to you.
It's never really subtle, is it? And if it is that subtle, presumably the guy doesn't even notice it. Soooo, hi. Where am I?
If he initiated the breakup, there's a big chance she's holding on to the fantasy.
Not when . . . it might be just fond memories, so the threat could be all in your head.
Okay. So. Worry when "she drops his name in obvious comparisons to you." And don't worry when "it might just be fond memories." I'm asking for your sage advice about when not to worry and you tell me "when it might just be fond memories." OF COURSE IT MIGHT JUST BE FOND FUCKING MEMORIES. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING PROBLEM IS NOT KNOWING. YOUR ADVICE IS THAT THE TIME NOT TO WORRY IS WHEN THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. THANKS.
WELL GUESS WHAT? LET'S SOLVE THIS LITTLE RIDDLENIGMA RIGHT NOW. THEY ARE NEVER JUST FOND MEMORIES. IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS LOOKING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE AND PINING FOR HER EX-BOYFRIEND AND YOU STILL DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S CHEATING ON YOU, THEN YOU NEED A DICTIONARY TO LOOK UP THE WORD PINING. OR THE WORD PINE. SOMETIMES THEY WILL ONLY SHOW THE ROOT OF THE WORD. THEY'RE ANNOYING LIKE THAT.
Your move: Say, "I just need some reassurance here."
You know what she will do? REASSURE YOU. But in the words of Nice Guy Eddie, "If you fucking beat this prick long enough, he'll tell you who started the god damn Chicago fire, BUT THAT DON'T MAKE IT FUCKING SO."
When, in history, has a guy said "I just need some reassurance here," and a woman said, "No. I'm sorry. I can't do that. Nothing is going on with my ex and I want nothing from him. But I can't reassure you." Of course she is going to reassure you whether she's blowing him or not. How does that help us?
She should respond definitively that you're her man, Levine says. If she pauses, follow up with "I'm not trying to control you. I just want to be with someone who knows what she wants."
That line has never failed to define and solidify a relationship.
She needs to think it's something to fix. If she doesn't, walk.
I. I'm sorry....What?
She needs to think it's something to fix. If she doesn't, walk.
Hmm. Ummm. Nahh still not getting it.
She needs to think it's something to fix.
I'm gonna take a stab at it here. Okay. Sooo she needs to think that talking to her boyfriend a lot is something to fix. In other words, she needs to know that she shouldn't be pining for her ex-boyfriend..? I'm guessing?
Well if I may take over as the head instructor in Baby Land for a moment, there is no "fixing" the fact that she is pining for her ex, or anyone else for that matter. Have you ever tried to tell a friend why they shouldn't like someone? That has never ever worked in the history of the world.
In conclusion, if she is still pining for her ex, the only fix is to let that bitch go. Or you could tell her that you want to "be with someone who knows what she wants" and try to get her to fix her feelings away. Let me know how that works out.
THE HANDS-ON PERSONAL TRAINER
Worry when . . . she spills intimate details about his life. Chances are, the sharing goes both ways. "The relationship should be friendly, not familiar," says Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in the Philadelphia area.
Not when . . . he's just pumping her up.
Well done.
It's his job to give her encouragement and attention.
Is it?
Your move: Once again, share your discomfort and watch her response.
Brilliant.
If she's open and says, "I didn't realize that," she's not drinking in the man's attention, and she respects your feelings. If she's defensive, she might be guzzling it,
I'm not even going to bite on your "guzzling" setup.
so back off for a few weeks and see how she deals with it. It's up to you how far you push.
Here's another lesson from the new Mayor of Baby Land. NO PERSONAL TRAINERS. EVER. Now I know what you might be saying. That "Baby Land" was a poor choice of a metaphor and that it's not really funny and it doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense. Well we're already in Baby Land and there's no going back now.
THE SMITTEN SUITOR
Worry when . . . she's ignoring the situation because she hates conflict. That's bad for your relationship, because this issue will recur.
Oh word?
Not when . . . she's simply working at her own pace to let her admirer down easy.
When her pace is weaning him down to one blowjob a week, don't worry! That's just her own way of letting him down easy!
Your move: If you've given her pace a chance, let her know you're uncomfortable. Offer to help. If she allows you, meet the guy: Put your arm around her and introduce yourself as her boyfriend. That should be enough.
Yes, that should be enough. Assuming, of course, that you are living in an 80's movie. Just put your arm around your girl and tell him, "Back off, rodent!" Then take your two fingers and push him in the chest. His eyes will sink to the floor. This is the time to start berating him about how poor he is and how rich your dad is. Your friends might jump in and say, "Cool it, Chaz!" But you just say, "Butt out, Joey. This aint none of your business!" His only defense is to propose a challenge to you in some sort of competitive event. Now this is important so listen closely. No matter what he challenges you in, your only reply is, "You're on!" You can throw a "chump" in there, if you like, or add another insult about his family being poor. Then turn your back and cackle as you walk away with your girl, arm still around her shoulder.
If it's not, say, "I think it would be best if you limited contact with her," Levine says. Use restrained strength, not tough-guy tactics.
Use restrained strength, like screaming through your teeth. Not tough-guy tactics, like screaming how you're going to kill her as you're being tackled by WaWa employees until the cops come and they cuff you up against the squad car facing her as she comes out of the house with her new boyfriend and you yell to him that he's a dead man and that you "know people" who will set his house on fire while you're in jail. NOT that.
Today, I found a piece on Lifestyle called "Is She Cheating?" Well that depends. If by "she" do you mean "every woman ever?" Then the answer is "Yes." A resounding yes. All women flirt. All women cheat.
And yes I am aware that my girlfriend reads this blog. In fact, she's probably reading it right now, since I force her to read it while I watch her and gauge her every reaction. But, Xmas Girl, I don't want you to take this blog entry as some sort of implicit threat regarding our relationship. It is an explicit threat. Cheating will not be tolerated, even if you have good reasons.
You have a great gal.
So great, in fact, that I am reading an article titled "Is She Cheating?"
So great, in fact, that she attracts packs of men who try to capture her attention or, worse, coax her out of her clothes.
How are those two separate ideas? What kind of rational is it to draw a line between "trying to capture her attention" and "coaxing her out of her clothes?" Is there a man in the world who is so naive as to think that someone would simply want to get her attention and then stop short of having sex?
They could be platonic friends. Or they could be interlopers, scourges bent on emasculating and circumventing you.
"Vacillating between wanton courtships like a mercurial perfidious coquette!
Sorry. I got a thesaurus for Christmas and I get a bit carried away."
What to do?
Definitely don't follow her to another house and then watch her from your car in the WaWa parking lot across the street using night vision goggles. Did you know that's considered illegal?
"Everything starts with having ground rules, open communication, and strategies for how to proceed," says Janice Levine, Ph.D., a psychologist in Lexington, Massachusetts, and the author of Why Do Fools Fall in Love?
Why Do Fools Fall in Love? is the follow-up to her first book, the smash-hit General and Elementary Guide to Problem-Solving.
Either blowing your lid or turning a blind eye could create more problems than addressing the situation head-on.
But no more problems than following her and camping out across the street in the WaWa parking lot with your survival gear will create. I'm tellin ya. Do NOT do that...
The following tips will help you know if there really are signs of a cheating wife or girlfriend and stand your ground without devolving into a raging, soon-to-be-single maniac. Read on: Your love life could depend on it.
If you have to encourage your reader to "read on," you're probably not writing a very compelling piece. Now let's continue with the article.
THE OVERLY INTERESTED BOSS
Worry when . . . she's focused on pleasing him, not doing her job.
She's focused on pleasing him and not doing her job? That's a "sign?" I think we're beyond worry if she wants to "please" her boss. Maybe I'm just an asshole boyfriend but that's creepy out the gate.
And not to quibble (it's really not my style you know) but if she's focused on pleasing him, doesn't that make this category "The Overly Interested Employee?"
Not when . . . he's a kindhearted mentor.
Oh! Is that when not to be worried? Phew! I've met her boss and he is surely just a kindhearted mentor who is 97 years old and in a wheelchair. But I didn't know if I should be worried or not until you just let me off the hook!
His motives could be sincere, and if she's happy at work, she'll be happy at home, says Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of Why Can't You Read My Mind?
If she's happy at work, she'll be happy at home.
That is the laziest dimestore non-psychoanalysis that I've ever read. If this "writer" actually contacted a "doctor" for his professional opinion about the relationship between someone's work life and their home life, and he said THAT, then he is basically saying FUCK OFF.
Let me ask you then, Doctor: if she's happy at home then is she happy at work? Is that even remotely true? Does that fall under the transitive property of I-Never-Really-Went-To-School-To-Be-A-Psychologist-But-I-Read-A-Lot-Of-Redbook?
You are the worst Dr. Jeff since Dr. Jeff Gardere.
Your move: Lead with concern for her, not your issues. If she thinks you have an agenda, she'll become defensive and fail to see any negatives, just to prove you wrong.
None of this advice is specific to this category.
Say, "It seems your boss is really helping you. How's that going?"
Then when she says, "That was the most transparent ham-handed segue I've ever heard," you start sweating profusely. Then start stammering an explanation to buy yourself time. Follow that by urinating in your pants, hiccuping uncontrollably, and then blurt out, "Are you fucking your boss yes or no yes or no?!?!?!?" THEN drop to your knees and start bawling hysterically.
Follow my advice to the T, and you will have artfully coerced the information out of her that she was not in fact sleeping with her boss, but she is now.
THE EX SHE'S STILL FRIENDS WITH
Worry when . . . they talk frequently and secretly. Regular contact sends up flares. Covertness fires a cannon.
Not when . . . she has a once-a-year, 15-minute phone call. There's a lot of history -- some good.
Okay wait. So wait. Wait.
What IN THE FUCK does that line mean?
I'm not even going to touch on the horrible construction of that sentence, but I have no idea what he is saying with that line. Is he saying that there is a lot of history between your girlfriend and her ex? Well I highly doubt that is true. My girlfriend went out with a guy for three years and they never talked, hooked up or even met. I don't think girls have much history with their ex-boyfriends.
But let's just assume that is true. How would some of their history be "good?" Do you mean good in the sense that they might have enjoyed each other's company at some time? Well, as I'm sure that's true and as enjoyable as that is to picture, WHO THE FUCKS CARES ABOUT THAT NOW.
Your move: Calmly say, "I have a problem with the relationship, because I don't understand it. Can you tell me what it does for you?" suggests Jackie Jaye Brandt, M.F.T., a psychotherapist in Universal City, California. You're not being invasive, you're just gathering information. An ultimatum leads to resentment -- or abandonment. Be ready to walk out the door if she picks him.
Be ready to walk out the door if she says she wants to be with another man and you aren't him and she doesn't care for you and your stuff is packed and outside of the apartment. Is this article written for men or women?
THE EX SHE STILL PINES FOR
...What the fuck is going on here. Am I in Baby Land? Am I in a fictitious land for babies where the most simple of life lessons are spoonfed to people in supposedly adult relationships? That has to be it. I must be in a land for FUCKING BABIES WHO WOULD HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME DECIDING WHAT TO DO IF THEIR GIRLFRIEND STILL WANTED TO BE WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND.
Here's a spoiler for the .02% of you who might actually need advice in this situation because you are mentally retarded. When your girlfriend wants someone else, GET RID OF THAT BUS STATION SKANK. THAT'S IT. YOUR ONLY DECISION IS WHETHER OR NOT TO THROW A GOODBYE FUCK BEFORE YOU TELL HER THAT YOU ARE THROUGH. THE END. THE DISHES ARE FUCKING DONE, MAN. MOVE ON TO THE NEXT MORALLY BANKRUPT HARLOT WHO WILL SMILE UP IN YOUR FACE AND FUCK HER EX WHEN YOU GO TO WORK.
Worry when . . . she drops his name in subtle or obvious comparisons to you.
It's never really subtle, is it? And if it is that subtle, presumably the guy doesn't even notice it. Soooo, hi. Where am I?
If he initiated the breakup, there's a big chance she's holding on to the fantasy.
Not when . . . it might be just fond memories, so the threat could be all in your head.
Okay. So. Worry when "she drops his name in obvious comparisons to you." And don't worry when "it might just be fond memories." I'm asking for your sage advice about when not to worry and you tell me "when it might just be fond memories." OF COURSE IT MIGHT JUST BE FOND FUCKING MEMORIES. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING PROBLEM IS NOT KNOWING. YOUR ADVICE IS THAT THE TIME NOT TO WORRY IS WHEN THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. THANKS.
WELL GUESS WHAT? LET'S SOLVE THIS LITTLE RIDDLENIGMA RIGHT NOW. THEY ARE NEVER JUST FOND MEMORIES. IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS LOOKING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE AND PINING FOR HER EX-BOYFRIEND AND YOU STILL DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S CHEATING ON YOU, THEN YOU NEED A DICTIONARY TO LOOK UP THE WORD PINING. OR THE WORD PINE. SOMETIMES THEY WILL ONLY SHOW THE ROOT OF THE WORD. THEY'RE ANNOYING LIKE THAT.
Your move: Say, "I just need some reassurance here."
You know what she will do? REASSURE YOU. But in the words of Nice Guy Eddie, "If you fucking beat this prick long enough, he'll tell you who started the god damn Chicago fire, BUT THAT DON'T MAKE IT FUCKING SO."
When, in history, has a guy said "I just need some reassurance here," and a woman said, "No. I'm sorry. I can't do that. Nothing is going on with my ex and I want nothing from him. But I can't reassure you." Of course she is going to reassure you whether she's blowing him or not. How does that help us?
She should respond definitively that you're her man, Levine says. If she pauses, follow up with "I'm not trying to control you. I just want to be with someone who knows what she wants."
That line has never failed to define and solidify a relationship.
She needs to think it's something to fix. If she doesn't, walk.
I. I'm sorry....What?
She needs to think it's something to fix. If she doesn't, walk.
Hmm. Ummm. Nahh still not getting it.
She needs to think it's something to fix.
I'm gonna take a stab at it here. Okay. Sooo she needs to think that talking to her boyfriend a lot is something to fix. In other words, she needs to know that she shouldn't be pining for her ex-boyfriend..? I'm guessing?
Well if I may take over as the head instructor in Baby Land for a moment, there is no "fixing" the fact that she is pining for her ex, or anyone else for that matter. Have you ever tried to tell a friend why they shouldn't like someone? That has never ever worked in the history of the world.
In conclusion, if she is still pining for her ex, the only fix is to let that bitch go. Or you could tell her that you want to "be with someone who knows what she wants" and try to get her to fix her feelings away. Let me know how that works out.
THE HANDS-ON PERSONAL TRAINER
Worry when . . . she spills intimate details about his life. Chances are, the sharing goes both ways. "The relationship should be friendly, not familiar," says Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in the Philadelphia area.
Not when . . . he's just pumping her up.
Well done.
It's his job to give her encouragement and attention.
Is it?
Your move: Once again, share your discomfort and watch her response.
Brilliant.
If she's open and says, "I didn't realize that," she's not drinking in the man's attention, and she respects your feelings. If she's defensive, she might be guzzling it,
I'm not even going to bite on your "guzzling" setup.
so back off for a few weeks and see how she deals with it. It's up to you how far you push.
Here's another lesson from the new Mayor of Baby Land. NO PERSONAL TRAINERS. EVER. Now I know what you might be saying. That "Baby Land" was a poor choice of a metaphor and that it's not really funny and it doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense. Well we're already in Baby Land and there's no going back now.
THE SMITTEN SUITOR
Worry when . . . she's ignoring the situation because she hates conflict. That's bad for your relationship, because this issue will recur.
Oh word?
Not when . . . she's simply working at her own pace to let her admirer down easy.
When her pace is weaning him down to one blowjob a week, don't worry! That's just her own way of letting him down easy!
Your move: If you've given her pace a chance, let her know you're uncomfortable. Offer to help. If she allows you, meet the guy: Put your arm around her and introduce yourself as her boyfriend. That should be enough.
Yes, that should be enough. Assuming, of course, that you are living in an 80's movie. Just put your arm around your girl and tell him, "Back off, rodent!" Then take your two fingers and push him in the chest. His eyes will sink to the floor. This is the time to start berating him about how poor he is and how rich your dad is. Your friends might jump in and say, "Cool it, Chaz!" But you just say, "Butt out, Joey. This aint none of your business!" His only defense is to propose a challenge to you in some sort of competitive event. Now this is important so listen closely. No matter what he challenges you in, your only reply is, "You're on!" You can throw a "chump" in there, if you like, or add another insult about his family being poor. Then turn your back and cackle as you walk away with your girl, arm still around her shoulder.
If it's not, say, "I think it would be best if you limited contact with her," Levine says. Use restrained strength, not tough-guy tactics.
Use restrained strength, like screaming through your teeth. Not tough-guy tactics, like screaming how you're going to kill her as you're being tackled by WaWa employees until the cops come and they cuff you up against the squad car facing her as she comes out of the house with her new boyfriend and you yell to him that he's a dead man and that you "know people" who will set his house on fire while you're in jail. NOT that.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
The Kinda Annual Mostly Uninformed Movie Review!
At one time in the past, I wrote a movie review entry. In keeping with my typical lack of motivation, creativity, and funny ideas, I never wrote a second installment. You'd think that it would be pretty easy to write a simple follow-up entry, but then you wouldn't know me very well.
As in the original, I do these reviews using information from commercials I may have seen, things I may or may not have heard, or general feelings about the actors and/or title of the movie. My opinion is often insulting, philistine, and racist. But no moreso than any of these movies. Enjoy!
THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES
This movie ventures to address one of the burning questions facing the future of our country.
Will Dakota Fanning make it through her teens unscathed and transition from cute kid to hot girl?
Will she glide gracefully into her 20's like Natalie Portman? Will she start strong and then burn out like the Olsen twins? Will she completely shit the bed in a blaze of pimples and greasy hair like McCauley Caulkin? Watch the Secret Life of Bees to see Phase 1 of the Dakota Fanning evolution!
QUANTUM OF SOLACE
Bond girl. Bond girl. Bond girl. Please finish reading the entry before you end up spending hours looking at her pictures. Trust me. I'm on hour three of a ten sentence blog entry.
SOUL MEN
Samuel L. Jackson: I like exclamation points!
Bernice Mac: Shit! Me too!
Jackson: Let's exclaim everything for an entire movie!
Mac: I'm in! You think they'll make a movie like that?!
Jackson: Why the fuck not?! They made Soul Plane, muthafucka!
Mac: That movie was an insult to the black community!
Jackson: I know! But why did they love it then?!
Mac: We're gluttons for punishment!
Jackson: That's an unfair generalization of African-Americans!
Mac: Then why all the black-on-black crime?!
Jackson: Shit this is too much fuckin thinking! Let's get back to makin that fuckin movie!
Mac: Amen, muthafucka! Let's get Eugene Levy in it to comically offset our old school blackness!
Jackson: Now you're talking! The best revenge is having the white man pay us to make shitty movies!
Mac: Hell yeah! This is so much fuckin fun, it makes me wish I wasn't dead!
Isaac Hayes: Me too!
ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
According to IMDB, Kevin Smith once shot a pictorial of his wife, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith, for Playboy. According to an extensive search of the internet, she has a landing strip that you could land a 747 on. We're on hour six of writing this blog entry.
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR
Are you a teen male who is confused about your sexuality but doesn't want to come out of the closet without knowing how your friends will react? Then High School Musical 3 is the movie for you! Ask your friend if they want to see HSM3 with you. If they say yes, then put on a pot of coffee, you've got a long overdue conversation ahead of you!
MADAGASCAR: ESCAPE 2 AFRICA
I originally thought this sequel was going to be in the spirit of Escape from New York, where a bunch of animals are trying to band together and escape to safety. I was a bit off. It seems that it's more of a vehicle for the Back-to-Africa Liberian movement.
Hey, where are you guys going? You just won the election!
CHANGELING
Who says a bad title can dry up any interest in a movie? Oh. The American public. This movie has been out for a month and it has yet to recoup half of its budget. Fingers crossed for a big comeback!
And Angelina is hot and all, but she can't really act. So if she's not getting naked in this, and I haven't found any evidence to the contrary, then you may need a better title to draw an audience. Hour eight of this blog.
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
From the website:
Jamal Malik, a penniless eighteen year-old orphan from the slums of Mumbai, is one question away from winning a staggering 20 million rupees on India’s ”Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” But when the show breaks for the night, suddenly, he is arrested on suspicion of cheating. After all, how could an uneducated street kid zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
So this is an independent movie? About an Indian child? On an outdated game show? Well, say no more! It's like the producers read my mind. I've always wanted to see a movie about the slums of Mumbai! I hope they visit the Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Vastu Sangrahalaya!
SAW V
A leaked script of Saw VI has already hit the internet. In the next installment, serial killer Jigsaw sets up an elaborate trap where he holds an unprecedented 300 people captive and forces them to watch Saw I through V.
BOLT
I don't know what this movie is about, but there are no naked girls in it. Like none at all. Not even any hot girls with clothes on. Just a terrible, terrible movie. A complete waste of my tenth and final hour of this entry.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see Slumdog Millionaire and find out what happens to young Jamal Malik. God I hope he wins those 20 million rupees. He'll finally be able to afford his father's operation!
As in the original, I do these reviews using information from commercials I may have seen, things I may or may not have heard, or general feelings about the actors and/or title of the movie. My opinion is often insulting, philistine, and racist. But no moreso than any of these movies. Enjoy!
THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES
This movie ventures to address one of the burning questions facing the future of our country.
Will Dakota Fanning make it through her teens unscathed and transition from cute kid to hot girl?
Will she glide gracefully into her 20's like Natalie Portman? Will she start strong and then burn out like the Olsen twins? Will she completely shit the bed in a blaze of pimples and greasy hair like McCauley Caulkin? Watch the Secret Life of Bees to see Phase 1 of the Dakota Fanning evolution!
QUANTUM OF SOLACE
Bond girl. Bond girl. Bond girl. Please finish reading the entry before you end up spending hours looking at her pictures. Trust me. I'm on hour three of a ten sentence blog entry.
SOUL MEN
Samuel L. Jackson: I like exclamation points!
Bernice Mac: Shit! Me too!
Jackson: Let's exclaim everything for an entire movie!
Mac: I'm in! You think they'll make a movie like that?!
Jackson: Why the fuck not?! They made Soul Plane, muthafucka!
Mac: That movie was an insult to the black community!
Jackson: I know! But why did they love it then?!
Mac: We're gluttons for punishment!
Jackson: That's an unfair generalization of African-Americans!
Mac: Then why all the black-on-black crime?!
Jackson: Shit this is too much fuckin thinking! Let's get back to makin that fuckin movie!
Mac: Amen, muthafucka! Let's get Eugene Levy in it to comically offset our old school blackness!
Jackson: Now you're talking! The best revenge is having the white man pay us to make shitty movies!
Mac: Hell yeah! This is so much fuckin fun, it makes me wish I wasn't dead!
Isaac Hayes: Me too!
ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
According to IMDB, Kevin Smith once shot a pictorial of his wife, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith, for Playboy. According to an extensive search of the internet, she has a landing strip that you could land a 747 on. We're on hour six of writing this blog entry.
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR
Are you a teen male who is confused about your sexuality but doesn't want to come out of the closet without knowing how your friends will react? Then High School Musical 3 is the movie for you! Ask your friend if they want to see HSM3 with you. If they say yes, then put on a pot of coffee, you've got a long overdue conversation ahead of you!
MADAGASCAR: ESCAPE 2 AFRICA
I originally thought this sequel was going to be in the spirit of Escape from New York, where a bunch of animals are trying to band together and escape to safety. I was a bit off. It seems that it's more of a vehicle for the Back-to-Africa Liberian movement.
Hey, where are you guys going? You just won the election!
CHANGELING
Who says a bad title can dry up any interest in a movie? Oh. The American public. This movie has been out for a month and it has yet to recoup half of its budget. Fingers crossed for a big comeback!
And Angelina is hot and all, but she can't really act. So if she's not getting naked in this, and I haven't found any evidence to the contrary, then you may need a better title to draw an audience. Hour eight of this blog.
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
From the website:
Jamal Malik, a penniless eighteen year-old orphan from the slums of Mumbai, is one question away from winning a staggering 20 million rupees on India’s ”Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” But when the show breaks for the night, suddenly, he is arrested on suspicion of cheating. After all, how could an uneducated street kid zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
So this is an independent movie? About an Indian child? On an outdated game show? Well, say no more! It's like the producers read my mind. I've always wanted to see a movie about the slums of Mumbai! I hope they visit the Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Vastu Sangrahalaya!
SAW V
A leaked script of Saw VI has already hit the internet. In the next installment, serial killer Jigsaw sets up an elaborate trap where he holds an unprecedented 300 people captive and forces them to watch Saw I through V.
BOLT
I don't know what this movie is about, but there are no naked girls in it. Like none at all. Not even any hot girls with clothes on. Just a terrible, terrible movie. A complete waste of my tenth and final hour of this entry.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see Slumdog Millionaire and find out what happens to young Jamal Malik. God I hope he wins those 20 million rupees. He'll finally be able to afford his father's operation!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Gotta Work Everyday. Gotta Not Be Cliche.
If all I had to do was write a blog, I could generate original material every day. But that's not the case. I have a shitty job that crushes my soul. I have an hour commute that sucks the life out of me. I have a dog that is not house-trained. I have a girlfriend who wants to watch the Sex and the City movie at a volume of about 96 that makes it hard for me to even follow my own thoughts much less complete this sentence coherently. I have a shitty blog with even shittier readers who insist on keeping this very blog on a check rarely-to-never basis.
That, my friends, means that I don't have any absurd dialogues for you to not appreciate today. You'll just have to settle for a quick recap of my trip to Giants stadium this Sunday. If you're still in dire need of absurd dialogue, I suggest you pick up the Sex and the City movie. I'm almost positive that the writers of this movie are intentionally trying to misinform women about men. That way the show's faulty advice and morals will continually ruin women's relationships in order to keep them coming back for more counsel, enabling them to sell more DVDs.
So about that game. I haven't been to the stadium in five years, and I don't know if I have changed or the tailgating has but HOLY SHIT WHAT A FUCKING ZOO. In college I would start tailgating at 7 AM and drink straight through the day, so the drunkenness isn't shocking to me. I, myself, was quite drunk this Sunday. But the characters at this place were out of their fucking minds. They were screaming nonsensically, randomly assaulting each other, and generally threatening anyone who did or did not step in their path. Did I mention that my girlfriend came with us?
By the way, she's still watching that god awful movie next to me. I have to tell you I think it has lowered my IQ 10 points just from having the inane chatter of those four retarded broads blaring in the background.
As we walked up the many, many steps to our seats, we had several gentlemen attempt to engage us in some form of discourse. While most chose to cat call, others seemed to prefer the wolf whistle. Some of the more clever types chose to look at my girlfriend and come up with an inventive chant. Ordinarily, this would bother me, but I took it in stride on Sunday. Am I really to be concerned that my girlfriend might leave me for a guy in a fireman helmet, shorts above the knee, and work boots like THIS? Hopefully not, but it would make for a funny blog.
Oh, so apparently this entire movie is about the fights that girls have with each other. Didn't you think it was about sex? Wasn't that somewhere in the title? No. The movie is just watching one giant bitch fit.
The game itself ended up being pretty exciting. The Giants defense came through at just the right time to sweep Carrie off her feet. As the game went into overtime, some brunette had a baby on the street with a bald guy. The game was capped off by a field goal from John Carney that won Carrie's heart with a contrived proposal and a lame post-wedding reception at some diner.
Okay, I can't even follow this movie anymore. Are they supposed to be 50 and having sex? And they're proud of the way they act? People pay to see this? Girls emulate these hogs? Thank god my girlfriend is not like that.
Now they just toasted to "the next 50 years" as the movie wraps up. Nice try, ladies. Your show is cancelled. Fuck the next 50 years, I don't have to watch your flapping plastic faces for one more second.
Christ, what was I saying? I don't know, the Giants won or something. It was a good time I think. I don't know. All I can think about is these fucking beasts ruining an entire generation of women. This is why I can't blog. I blame women. In all forms. But I promise I'll try to post more often. I got more in the can. I just need to talk to my girlfriend about setting aside some free time where I can pursue my writing with a little less distraction.
The movie finally ended. My girlfriend just stood up and said, "I can't wait to watch it a million more times!"
That
So about that game. I haven't been to the stadium in five years, and I don't know if I have changed or the tailgating has but HOLY SHIT WHAT A FUCKING ZOO. In college I would start tailgating at 7 AM and drink straight through the day, so the drunkenness isn't shocking to me. I, myself, was quite drunk this Sunday. But the characters at this place were out of their fucking minds. They were screaming nonsensically, randomly assaulting each other, and generally threatening anyone who did or did not step in their path. Did I mention that my girlfriend came with us?
By the way, she's still watching that god awful movie next to me. I have to tell you I think it has lowered my IQ 10 points just from having the inane chatter of those four retarded broads blaring in the background.
As we walked up the many, many steps to our seats, we had several gentlemen attempt to engage us in some form of discourse. While most chose to cat call, others seemed to prefer the wolf whistle. Some of the more clever types chose to look at my girlfriend and come up with an inventive chant. Ordinarily, this would bother me, but I took it in stride on Sunday. Am I really to be concerned that my girlfriend might leave me for a guy in a fireman helmet, shorts above the knee, and work boots like THIS? Hopefully not, but it would make for a funny blog.
Oh, so apparently this entire movie is about the fights that girls have with each other. Didn't you think it was about sex? Wasn't that somewhere in the title? No. The movie is just watching one giant bitch fit.
The game itself ended up being pretty exciting. The Giants defense came through at just the right time to sweep Carrie off her feet. As the game went into overtime, some brunette had a baby on the street with a bald guy. The game was capped off by a field goal from John Carney that won Carrie's heart with a contrived proposal and a lame post-wedding reception at some diner.
Okay, I can't even follow this movie anymore. Are they supposed to be 50 and having sex? And they're proud of the way they act? People pay to see this? Girls emulate these hogs? Thank god my girlfriend is not like that.
Now they just toasted to "the next 50 years" as the movie wraps up. Nice try, ladies. Your show is cancelled. Fuck the next 50 years, I don't have to watch your flapping plastic faces for one more second.
Christ, what was I saying? I don't know, the Giants won or something. It was a good time I think. I don't know. All I can think about is these fucking beasts ruining an entire generation of women. This is why I can't blog. I blame women. In all forms. But I promise I'll try to post more often. I got more in the can. I just need to talk to my girlfriend about setting aside some free time where I can pursue my writing with a little less distraction.
The movie finally ended. My girlfriend just stood up and said, "I can't wait to watch it a million more times!"
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