The Kinda Annual Mostly Uninformed Movie Review!

At one time in the past, I wrote a movie review entry. In keeping with my typical lack of motivation, creativity, and funny ideas, I never wrote a second installment. You'd think that it would be pretty easy to write a simple follow-up entry, but then you wouldn't know me very well.

As in the original, I do these reviews using information from commercials I may have seen, things I may or may not have heard, or general feelings about the actors and/or title of the movie. My opinion is often insulting, philistine, and racist. But no moreso than any of these movies. Enjoy!


THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES

This movie ventures to address one of the burning questions facing the future of our country.

Will Dakota Fanning make it through her teens unscathed and transition from cute kid to hot girl?

Will she glide gracefully into her 20's like Natalie Portman? Will she start strong and then burn out like the Olsen twins? Will she completely shit the bed in a blaze of pimples and greasy hair like McCauley Caulkin? Watch the Secret Life of Bees to see Phase 1 of the Dakota Fanning evolution!





QUANTUM OF SOLACE

Bond girl. Bond girl. Bond girl. Please finish reading the entry before you end up spending hours looking at her pictures. Trust me. I'm on hour three of a ten sentence blog entry.





SOUL MEN

Samuel L. Jackson: I like exclamation points!

Bernice Mac: Shit! Me too!

Jackson: Let's exclaim everything for an entire movie!

Mac: I'm in! You think they'll make a movie like that?!

Jackson: Why the fuck not?! They made Soul Plane, muthafucka!

Mac: That movie was an insult to the black community!

Jackson: I know! But why did they love it then?!

Mac: We're gluttons for punishment!

Jackson: That's an unfair generalization of African-Americans!

Mac: Then why all the black-on-black crime?!

Jackson: Shit this is too much fuckin thinking! Let's get back to makin that fuckin movie!

Mac: Amen, muthafucka! Let's get Eugene Levy in it to comically offset our old school blackness!

Jackson: Now you're talking! The best revenge is having the white man pay us to make shitty movies!

Mac: Hell yeah! This is so much fuckin fun, it makes me wish I wasn't dead!

Isaac Hayes: Me too!





ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO

According to IMDB, Kevin Smith once shot a pictorial of his wife, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith, for Playboy. According to an extensive search of the internet, she has a landing strip that you could land a 747 on. We're on hour six of writing this blog entry.





HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR

Are you a teen male who is confused about your sexuality but doesn't want to come out of the closet without knowing how your friends will react? Then High School Musical 3 is the movie for you! Ask your friend if they want to see HSM3 with you. If they say yes, then put on a pot of coffee, you've got a long overdue conversation ahead of you!





MADAGASCAR: ESCAPE 2 AFRICA

I originally thought this sequel was going to be in the spirit of Escape from New York, where a bunch of animals are trying to band together and escape to safety. I was a bit off. It seems that it's more of a vehicle for the Back-to-Africa Liberian movement.

Hey, where are you guys going? You just won the election!





CHANGELING

Who says a bad title can dry up any interest in a movie? Oh. The American public. This movie has been out for a month and it has yet to recoup half of its budget. Fingers crossed for a big comeback!

And Angelina is hot and all, but she can't really act. So if she's not getting naked in this, and I haven't found any evidence to the contrary, then you may need a better title to draw an audience. Hour eight of this blog.





SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

From the website:

Jamal Malik, a penniless eighteen year-old orphan from the slums of Mumbai, is one question away from winning a staggering 20 million rupees on India’s ”Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” But when the show breaks for the night, suddenly, he is arrested on suspicion of cheating. After all, how could an uneducated street kid zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So this is an independent movie? About an Indian child? On an outdated game show? Well, say no more! It's like the producers read my mind. I've always wanted to see a movie about the slums of Mumbai! I hope they visit the Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Vastu Sangrahalaya!





SAW V

A leaked script of Saw VI has already hit the internet. In the next installment, serial killer Jigsaw sets up an elaborate trap where he holds an unprecedented 300 people captive and forces them to watch Saw I through V.





BOLT

I don't know what this movie is about, but there are no naked girls in it. Like none at all. Not even any hot girls with clothes on. Just a terrible, terrible movie. A complete waste of my tenth and final hour of this entry.



Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see Slumdog Millionaire and find out what happens to young Jamal Malik. God I hope he wins those 20 million rupees. He'll finally be able to afford his father's operation!