Tuesday, January 06, 2009

What Are You The Rug Doctor?

Whenever you feel like you've got nothing to write about, you can always count on MSN Lifestyle to provide you with hours of entertainment. The Lifestyle section deals mainly in relationship advice and diet tips usually reserved for the cover of Cosmo. You'd think these articles would be weak, tepid fluff pieces with little or no redeeming value. But you'd be wrong. They're abominations of human culture and sure signs that the end is rapidly approaching.

Today, I found a piece on Lifestyle called "Is She Cheating?" Well that depends. If by "she" do you mean "every woman ever?" Then the answer is "Yes." A resounding yes. All women flirt. All women cheat.

And yes I am aware that my girlfriend reads this blog. In fact, she's probably reading it right now, since I force her to read it while I watch her and gauge her every reaction. But, Xmas Girl, I don't want you to take this blog entry as some sort of implicit threat regarding our relationship. It is an explicit threat. Cheating will not be tolerated, even if you have good reasons.

You have a great gal.

So great, in fact, that I am reading an article titled "Is She Cheating?"

So great, in fact, that she attracts packs of men who try to capture her attention or, worse, coax her out of her clothes.

How are those two separate ideas? What kind of rational is it to draw a line between "trying to capture her attention" and "coaxing her out of her clothes?" Is there a man in the world who is so naive as to think that someone would simply want to get her attention and then stop short of having sex?

They could be platonic friends. Or they could be interlopers, scourges bent on emasculating and circumventing you.

"Vacillating between wanton courtships like a mercurial perfidious coquette!

Sorry. I got a thesaurus for Christmas and I get a bit carried away."

What to do?

Definitely don't follow her to another house and then watch her from your car in the WaWa parking lot across the street using night vision goggles. Did you know that's considered illegal?

"Everything starts with having ground rules, open communication, and strategies for how to proceed," says Janice Levine, Ph.D., a psychologist in Lexington, Massachusetts, and the author of Why Do Fools Fall in Love?

Why Do Fools Fall in Love? is the follow-up to her first book, the smash-hit General and Elementary Guide to Problem-Solving.

Either blowing your lid or turning a blind eye could create more problems than addressing the situation head-on.

But no more problems than following her and camping out across the street in the WaWa parking lot with your survival gear will create. I'm tellin ya. Do NOT do that...

The following tips will help you know if there really are signs of a cheating wife or girlfriend and stand your ground without devolving into a raging, soon-to-be-single maniac. Read on: Your love life could depend on it.

If you have to encourage your reader to "read on," you're probably not writing a very compelling piece. Now let's continue with the article.

THE OVERLY INTERESTED BOSS
Worry when . . . she's focused on pleasing him, not doing her job.


She's focused on pleasing him and not doing her job? That's a "sign?" I think we're beyond worry if she wants to "please" her boss. Maybe I'm just an asshole boyfriend but that's creepy out the gate.

And not to quibble (it's really not my style you know) but if she's focused on pleasing him, doesn't that make this category "The Overly Interested Employee?"

Not when . . . he's a kindhearted mentor.

Oh! Is that when not to be worried? Phew! I've met her boss and he is surely just a kindhearted mentor who is 97 years old and in a wheelchair. But I didn't know if I should be worried or not until you just let me off the hook!

His motives could be sincere, and if she's happy at work, she'll be happy at home, says Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of Why Can't You Read My Mind?

If she's happy at work, she'll be happy at home.

That is the laziest dimestore non-psychoanalysis that I've ever read. If this "writer" actually contacted a "doctor" for his professional opinion about the relationship between someone's work life and their home life, and he said THAT, then he is basically saying FUCK OFF.

Let me ask you then, Doctor: if she's happy at home then is she happy at work? Is that even remotely true? Does that fall under the transitive property of I-Never-Really-Went-To-School-To-Be-A-Psychologist-But-I-Read-A-Lot-Of-Redbook?

You are the worst Dr. Jeff since Dr. Jeff Gardere.

Your move: Lead with concern for her, not your issues. If she thinks you have an agenda, she'll become defensive and fail to see any negatives, just to prove you wrong.

None of this advice is specific to this category.

Say, "It seems your boss is really helping you. How's that going?"

Then when she says, "That was the most transparent ham-handed segue I've ever heard," you start sweating profusely. Then start stammering an explanation to buy yourself time. Follow that by urinating in your pants, hiccuping uncontrollably, and then blurt out, "Are you fucking your boss yes or no yes or no?!?!?!?" THEN drop to your knees and start bawling hysterically.

Follow my advice to the T, and you will have artfully coerced the information out of her that she was not in fact sleeping with her boss, but she is now.


THE EX SHE'S STILL FRIENDS WITH
Worry when . . . they talk frequently and secretly. Regular contact sends up flares. Covertness fires a cannon.


Not when . . . she has a once-a-year, 15-minute phone call. There's a lot of history -- some good.

Okay wait. So wait. Wait.

What IN THE FUCK does that line mean?

I'm not even going to touch on the horrible construction of that sentence, but I have no idea what he is saying with that line. Is he saying that there is a lot of history between your girlfriend and her ex? Well I highly doubt that is true. My girlfriend went out with a guy for three years and they never talked, hooked up or even met. I don't think girls have much history with their ex-boyfriends.

But let's just assume that is true. How would some of their history be "good?" Do you mean good in the sense that they might have enjoyed each other's company at some time? Well, as I'm sure that's true and as enjoyable as that is to picture, WHO THE FUCKS CARES ABOUT THAT NOW.

Your move: Calmly say, "I have a problem with the relationship, because I don't understand it. Can you tell me what it does for you?" suggests Jackie Jaye Brandt, M.F.T., a psychotherapist in Universal City, California. You're not being invasive, you're just gathering information. An ultimatum leads to resentment -- or abandonment. Be ready to walk out the door if she picks him.

Be ready to walk out the door if she says she wants to be with another man and you aren't him and she doesn't care for you and your stuff is packed and outside of the apartment. Is this article written for men or women?

THE EX SHE STILL PINES FOR

...What the fuck is going on here. Am I in Baby Land? Am I in a fictitious land for babies where the most simple of life lessons are spoonfed to people in supposedly adult relationships? That has to be it. I must be in a land for FUCKING BABIES WHO WOULD HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME DECIDING WHAT TO DO IF THEIR GIRLFRIEND STILL WANTED TO BE WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND.

Here's a spoiler for the .02% of you who might actually need advice in this situation because you are mentally retarded. When your girlfriend wants someone else, GET RID OF THAT BUS STATION SKANK. THAT'S IT. YOUR ONLY DECISION IS WHETHER OR NOT TO THROW A GOODBYE FUCK BEFORE YOU TELL HER THAT YOU ARE THROUGH. THE END. THE DISHES ARE FUCKING DONE, MAN. MOVE ON TO THE NEXT MORALLY BANKRUPT HARLOT WHO WILL SMILE UP IN YOUR FACE AND FUCK HER EX WHEN YOU GO TO WORK.

Worry when . . . she drops his name in subtle or obvious comparisons to you.

It's never really subtle, is it? And if it is that subtle, presumably the guy doesn't even notice it. Soooo, hi. Where am I?

If he initiated the breakup, there's a big chance she's holding on to the fantasy.

Not when . . . it might be just fond memories, so the threat could be all in your head.

Okay. So. Worry when "she drops his name in obvious comparisons to you." And don't worry when "it might just be fond memories." I'm asking for your sage advice about when not to worry and you tell me "when it might just be fond memories." OF COURSE IT MIGHT JUST BE FOND FUCKING MEMORIES. THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING PROBLEM IS NOT KNOWING. YOUR ADVICE IS THAT THE TIME NOT TO WORRY IS WHEN THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. THANKS.

WELL GUESS WHAT? LET'S SOLVE THIS LITTLE RIDDLENIGMA RIGHT NOW. THEY ARE NEVER JUST FOND MEMORIES. IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS LOOKING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE AND PINING FOR HER EX-BOYFRIEND AND YOU STILL DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S CHEATING ON YOU, THEN YOU NEED A DICTIONARY TO LOOK UP THE WORD PINING. OR THE WORD PINE. SOMETIMES THEY WILL ONLY SHOW THE ROOT OF THE WORD. THEY'RE ANNOYING LIKE THAT.

Your move: Say, "I just need some reassurance here."

You know what she will do? REASSURE YOU. But in the words of Nice Guy Eddie, "If you fucking beat this prick long enough, he'll tell you who started the god damn Chicago fire, BUT THAT DON'T MAKE IT FUCKING SO."

When, in history, has a guy said "I just need some reassurance here," and a woman said, "No. I'm sorry. I can't do that. Nothing is going on with my ex and I want nothing from him. But I can't reassure you." Of course she is going to reassure you whether she's blowing him or not. How does that help us?

She should respond definitively that you're her man, Levine says. If she pauses, follow up with "I'm not trying to control you. I just want to be with someone who knows what she wants."

That line has never failed to define and solidify a relationship.

She needs to think it's something to fix. If she doesn't, walk.

I. I'm sorry....What?

She needs to think it's something to fix. If she doesn't, walk.

Hmm. Ummm. Nahh still not getting it.

She needs to think it's something to fix.

I'm gonna take a stab at it here. Okay. Sooo she needs to think that talking to her boyfriend a lot is something to fix. In other words, she needs to know that she shouldn't be pining for her ex-boyfriend..? I'm guessing?

Well if I may take over as the head instructor in Baby Land for a moment, there is no "fixing" the fact that she is pining for her ex, or anyone else for that matter. Have you ever tried to tell a friend why they shouldn't like someone? That has never ever worked in the history of the world.

In conclusion, if she is still pining for her ex, the only fix is to let that bitch go. Or you could tell her that you want to "be with someone who knows what she wants" and try to get her to fix her feelings away. Let me know how that works out.

THE HANDS-ON PERSONAL TRAINER
Worry when . . . she spills intimate details about his life. Chances are, the sharing goes both ways. "The relationship should be friendly, not familiar," says Rita DeMaria, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in the Philadelphia area.

Not when . . . he's just pumping her up.


Well done.

It's his job to give her encouragement and attention.

Is it?

Your move: Once again, share your discomfort and watch her response.

Brilliant.

If she's open and says, "I didn't realize that," she's not drinking in the man's attention, and she respects your feelings. If she's defensive, she might be guzzling it,

I'm not even going to bite on your "guzzling" setup.

so back off for a few weeks and see how she deals with it. It's up to you how far you push.

Here's another lesson from the new Mayor of Baby Land. NO PERSONAL TRAINERS. EVER. Now I know what you might be saying. That "Baby Land" was a poor choice of a metaphor and that it's not really funny and it doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense. Well we're already in Baby Land and there's no going back now.

THE SMITTEN SUITOR
Worry when . . . she's ignoring the situation because she hates conflict. That's bad for your relationship, because this issue will recur.


Oh word?

Not when . . . she's simply working at her own pace to let her admirer down easy.

When her pace is weaning him down to one blowjob a week, don't worry! That's just her own way of letting him down easy!

Your move: If you've given her pace a chance, let her know you're uncomfortable. Offer to help. If she allows you, meet the guy: Put your arm around her and introduce yourself as her boyfriend. That should be enough.

Yes, that should be enough. Assuming, of course, that you are living in an 80's movie. Just put your arm around your girl and tell him, "Back off, rodent!" Then take your two fingers and push him in the chest. His eyes will sink to the floor. This is the time to start berating him about how poor he is and how rich your dad is. Your friends might jump in and say, "Cool it, Chaz!" But you just say, "Butt out, Joey. This aint none of your business!" His only defense is to propose a challenge to you in some sort of competitive event. Now this is important so listen closely. No matter what he challenges you in, your only reply is, "You're on!" You can throw a "chump" in there, if you like, or add another insult about his family being poor. Then turn your back and cackle as you walk away with your girl, arm still around her shoulder.

If it's not, say, "I think it would be best if you limited contact with her," Levine says. Use restrained strength, not tough-guy tactics.

Use restrained strength, like screaming through your teeth. Not tough-guy tactics, like screaming how you're going to kill her as you're being tackled by WaWa employees until the cops come and they cuff you up against the squad car facing her as she comes out of the house with her new boyfriend and you yell to him that he's a dead man and that you "know people" who will set his house on fire while you're in jail. NOT that.

1 comment:

joepro said...

you have wawa?

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