Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Live-Blogging the Mundane

For some reason, Chick-fil-A includes with your order one of those pillowy little mints they keep in a dish in your local diner. For some other reason, I decided to eat one. For a seriously troubling this-kid-might-need-help-before-he-loses-his-mind reason, I am live-blogging the experience.

4:05 -- Opening it. Looking at it. I was hoping it would look like a name-brand mint. But no. Same diner mint.

4:06 -- Popping it in. Here we go.

4:07 -- I am barely sucking it. Just letting slide around in my mouth. Not sure what I'm getting into yet. I feel like my dog when I give her an ice cube. Or a stripper giving a $300 private room "blowjob." Whatever you prefer.

4:08 -- It tastes like the top layer is just melting off leaving a strange milky-minty goo in my mouth that I am avoiding swallowing. It's like when you have to spit and then someone important is around so you can't and you're just thinking, "God I hope they leave, I hope they leave...what the fuck get out of here...jesus, what if they don't leave?...what if they ask me a question...am I going to have to swallow this shit?"

4:09 -- Swallowing it. Not as bad as you'd think, but just so distasteful mentally. Girls. I now know exactly how you feel.

4:11 -- It's clanging around in my mouth hitting my teeth and making me sound like that obnoxious douchebag who pops his gum. Yeah we get it buddy, you're chewing gum. But don't stop cracking it just in case we forget!

4:12 -- Second swallow. It still tastes poor, but it gets easier. You hear that, ladies?

4:13 -- It should be noted that my breath is not getting any better. This mint is merely making my breath more thick and cloudy.

4:14 -- I am frustrated that it is seemingly the same size in my mouth because I really don't want to suck it. Oh my god are they all going to be blowjob jokes? I'm not even trying to. I can't write a normal sentence anymore.

4:16 -- I ignored a call at my desk because I didn't want to be that obnoxious guy with shit in his mouth on the phone. People call me all the time with food in their mouths. It's disgusting. Way worse than mint-milk breath.

4:17 -- I burped and it tasted like chicken and fries. I'm not complaining, it tasted good, but still. You'd think the mint would be running some interference.

4:19 -- It's still not ending. I feel like I'm only halfway through. I do have actual work to do. This could be a problem.

4:20 -- Okay. I'm going to take this call.

4:24 -- I had to hold the mint in my cheek like a chipmunk. Now that side of my mouth is all fuzzy.

4:25 -- Holding it there so long also created a BIG reservoir of mint drool, which I had the pleasure of swallowing. That tasted like I swallowed a lipper.

4:26 -- I'm avoiding the rest of this work for now. Someone else can do it. This is arduous enough on its own.

4:27 -- It's always good for a mint to make you feel like you have to brush your teeth. That's definitely a quality you want to promote in a mint. "Enjoy our new mint with added tooth film for long-lasting freshness!"

4:38 -- Got caught up with work. Had a guy on hold for so long that he hung up on me. What, all of the sudden 11 minutes is a long time to hold? Well, sorry, Mr. President. I didn't know your time was sooo valuable.

4:39 -- Actual mint update: it is finally getting small. It is about the size of a piece of corn. It tastes like sucking on someone else's rotting tooth.

4:40 -- It's almost done. My entire mouth tastes like ass from the top of my gums to the back of my throat.

4:41 -- Almost done. So small now. Almost imperctible. Yet, the scent is still formidable.

4:42 -- Done.

4:43 -- That mint was very dissatisfying.

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