The Root of the Problem....BOING!

Well, I'm off to see Doctor Dickhole again tomorrow. The abscess went down when I took the antibiotics but not entirely. It feels like it has possibly entered my bloodstream and coursed its way down the inside of my arm. It is not visible, but the vein inside my arm feels as though it is solidifying like that kid from The Wish Giver. In the book, the girl wishes her boyfriend would "put down roots." Of course, she simply wants him to stop banging her friends, but instead he literally puts down roots by becoming a tree. This would be funny and all if this wasn't, ya know, happening in real life and scaring the shit out of me every day.

As an aside, I saw the TLC episode about the Tree Man and it is truly horrific. I can barely stomach it when they start using power tools to saw through the "roots" that turn his hands into giant clubs. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw this headline from 12/22/08:

TREE MAN 'WHO GREW ROOTS' MAY BE CURED

Success! Modern Medicine! Tree Man!

Unfortunately, my hope was quickly destroyed when I saw this headline from 1/06/09:

TREE MAN'S ROOTS BEGIN TO GROW BACK

Oh! Great! Thanks for the two weeks of false hope for Tree Man! He would definitely send you a strongly-worded email about this if he could log on to the internet...or type...or get out of bed under his own power.

When I go to the doctor tomorrow I plan on demanding a test for MRSA, demanding the treatment for MRSA, demanding he examine my arm rather than just brushing me off, and demanding he treat me with the professionalism you'd expect from a doctor.

Here is what is actually going to happen:

Doctor Dickhole: Hey! What's up Brendan?

Dying Patient: Hi. It's Brown.

DD: You're goddamn right it is! Sooo whassamattayou?

DP: Well, uh, remember my arm problem?

DD: Sure. Looks like it's all better. Think fast! [throws a jar of tongue depressers across the room that smashes against the wall]

DP: Umm, was I supposed to catch that?

DD: Yeahhh, but that's okay. Not everyone is an athlete. I just wanted to test your reflexes, and it looks like I was right. Not only are your reflexes sharp but you have full mobility. You're all healed.

DP: Well I didn't break my arm. I had an abscess. And it's not healed. It hurts a bit but what's more disconcerting is the movement down my vein.

DD: Alright fine. Let's pop that shirt off. [presses stethoscope to stomach]

DP: I said abscess. And you don't need a stethoscope. Please just look at my arm.

DD: Hey. Listen, poppaluke. You see that diploma on the wall?

DP: ...sorry, what? Am I poppaluke?

DD: That says infectious - disease - SPECIALIST.

DP: It does.

DD: So I think that about says it all. [winks]

DP: How does that say it all? Please. Just look at my arm and use your medical knowledge to make an informed judgment as to whether or not I have MRSA in my bloodstream that is trying to kill me.

DD: Hmm. [looks inquisitively]

DP: Is it okay?

DD: Hmmmmmm....

DP: What is it?

DD: Uh-huh...

DP: What does that mean? What do you see?

DD: Hmmm-mmm-hmm-mmm...

DP: What are those noises?! What are you doing?!? What in god's name is it?!?!

DD: ONCE! THERE WAS THIS GIRLLL WHO. DIDN'T WANNA CHANGE WITH THE GIIRLLS IN THE CHAAANGE ROOM! AND WHENNNNN, THEY FINALLY MAAADE HERRR-

DP: Are you fucking SINGING RIGHT NOW?!?

DD: I love that song! I don't know why it doesn't get more play. It's like everyone loved it and then they just stopped. Why? A good song is a good song forever. Am I right?

DP: That song fucking sucks and you're a horrible doctor.

DD: Whoa, whoa. Don't get upset and say things you don't mean. That song is a total CLASSIC. You of all people should appreciate it. She's got birthmarks on her body and they don't know what it is! Come on, that's relatable! But don't worry. You don't even have MRSA anyway.

DP: Are you serious? How can you be sure?

DD: Because I know what it looks like, and you don't have it.

DP: What's happening to me then?

DD: Oh that? That's just razor burn.

DP: What the hell are you talking about?

DD: Razor burn occurs when you shave an area and the skin gets irritated-

DP: I FUCKING KNOW WHAT RAZOR BURN IS YOU ASSHOLE. HOW CAN I HAVE RAZOR BURN WHEN I'VE NEVER SHAVED THE AREA? HOW DO I HAVE RAZOR BURN THAT RECURS EVERY THREE MONTHS AND SWELLS TO THE SIZE OF A TANGERINE? HOW DOES RAZOR BURN GET FILLED WITH ENOUGH PUS TO FILL A CEREAL BOWL? HOW IN THE FUCK DOES RAZOR BURN METASTASIZE THROUGH MY VEINS?

DD: ....from shaving.

DP: Right. Okay if it's just from shaving, put your face in it.

DD: What?

DP: You heard me. If this is just razor burn, then put your face in my armpit. Go ahead. Rub your face on my "razor burn."

DD: Well, I don't think that's really.... [leans in towards armpit]

DP: Get the fuck outta here. We're done here. [walks out of office]

DD: Wait! Hold on! Here I got something for you. This might help.

DP: ...okay, what is it.

DD: Do you want a lollipop?

DP: ........Yes.


After the appointment, I plan on heading to Mohegan Sun. Unlucky in life, lucky in cards, right?

Don't worry, all weekend I'll be chugging pencil-flavored coffee.