Bad News: I Do Have Arm Cancer. And It's Contagious.

But don't tell all the victims of "Free Hug Day!"

Look, I don't know what it is. It's a lump under my arm that keeps coming back. There are many possibilities including abscess, C. diff, MRSA, cancer...but not AIDS! Do NOT google image search them. I assure you that I have not become grotesque in the spirit of Tree Man. I remain classically grotesque. What I prefer to call "politely grotesque."

Let's go through the finalists:

Abscess

The original diagnosis from the ER doctor was that it's an abscess caused by a blockage in the pores of the skin that leads to an infection. And by "diagnosis" I mean "garbled words mumbled by the half-in-the-bag ER 'doctor' who carved me up like a sadist on the last day in Guantanamo Bay."

He said that once you get it, you are more likely to get it again. He also said that I should shave the area and get "healthy" deodorant. I did neither of those things because I think he just wanted to see if I'd do it.

PROS:

Not life-threatening, apparently.

Abscess is the least gross-sounding one on the list.

CONS:

If it gets too big or doesn't respond to antibiotics, I have to go to the ER and have them lace into me. It hurts like fuck but the first time I did it my girlfriend was impressed by the fact that I didn't make a sound. So, yeah. I gotta keep that whole charade up now.

My doctor is a real knobjob who pretended to fill a prescription for me on Monday. He blew me off on the first phone call, so I called him later to confirm that he filled it, and he said, "Yeah, yeah." Not the best response you want to hear from a doctor. There should be a class in med school called, "Two 'Yeahs' Make a No: How to Lie to Your Patients." So of course when I show up at CVS, they say they never got a call from him. Well played. Then I called his office today to find out why, and the office was closed. Got me again, Doctor Dickhole!

Oh, and also? IT NEVER ENDS. EVER. IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING. EVERY THREE MONTHS. A FUCKING ICEBERG LIVES UNDER MY ARM. I WILL LIVE WITH THIS FOREVER. UNTIL IT KILLS ME.

C. diff

No doctor has ever given me this diagnosis, but I read about it on the internet. And when you see a disease on the internet that matches your symptoms, you know you've got it.

PROS:

From the article I read half of I am going to go ahead and guess that it's not fatal. I didn't read that specifically, but the overall vibe of the article didn't feel like they were talking about death here. So I'm gonna go ahead and list that as a Pro.

Symptom: Diarrhea 10 to 15 times a day. That's a fact from the mayoclinic.com. You may be wondering why I list that as a pro. If you are, you do not read this blog enough. I am already producing diarrhea at that rate, so that symptom doesn't really affect me. And if it's going to increase? That's fine. I'm an expert at anticipating and handling immediate emergency diarrhea. Bump it up to 30 times a day if you want. You can't phase me.

CONS:

Uhh, turns out it can be fatal. Yeahhh. Did a little more reading and it turns out it could really fuck up your colon and give you kidney failure. According to mayoclinic.com, "Even mild to moderate C. difficile infections can quickly progress to a fatal disease if not treated promptly." They go on to use the words "resistant" and "superbug." Sooo ummm. FUCK.

Also, the only real way they test for this is by either going up your ass or analyzing your "stool sample." Either way. Not for me.

MRSA

MRSA is what I think I have. I'm pretty sure it's MRSA. It's a hot new virus that has pretty much all of the symptoms I'm getting (except diarrhea--no one has shit on C. diff when it comes to diarrhea) and it's really common. I've got MRSA.

PROS:

MRSA sounds cool to someone who hasn't heard of it before. It sounds like some deeply engrained sickness in my bones. MRSA sounds like it's due in part to some form of radiation poisoning. MRSA sounds like I may have gotten it in the line of duty. Or maybe it sounds like a disease coursing its way through the anonymous gay sex community. I don't know.

This disease is really blowing up right now. I'm serious. Ask anyone in the medical community. They will know about MRSA. It may be kind of cool to get it before it gets too mainstream. Maybe I would tell people I have it and they'd be impressed like, "Daammnnn, you got MRSA? How'd you get that already? I heard that shit is jumpin off!"

It's treatable. If, ya know, you have a doctor who gives a flying fuck.

CONS:

It's treatable, but it's still killing people. Sooo who are these people? Is it just a matter of how strong the virus is? Or is it killing people who have a weakened system or leave it untreated? Which do you think it is? Probably the last one, right? Yeah? Yeah. And guess what I'm doing about having the disease? Right.

It's highly contagious. I may have already given it to my girlfriend.

Cancer

PROS:

Getting the sympathy for having cancer.

CONS:

Having cancer.

Living with cancer.

Dying of cancer.



So that brings you up to speed. Something very wrong is happening inside me and it's probably killing me. If I do end up dying and you go back and read this, don't feel guilty when you feel mildly impressed with the prophetic nature of my writing. I want you to read carefree when you come to this blog without any added stress. After all, you're not the one dying!

Unless you were a part of Free Hug Day, in which case I am sorry. And I'll see you soon.