Bad News: I Do Have Arm Cancer. And It's Contagious.

But don't tell all the victims of "Free Hug Day!"

Look, I don't know what it is. It's a lump under my arm that keeps coming back. There are many possibilities including abscess, C. diff, MRSA, cancer...but not AIDS! Do NOT google image search them. I assure you that I have not become grotesque in the spirit of Tree Man. I remain classically grotesque. What I prefer to call "politely grotesque."

Let's go through the finalists:

Abscess

The original diagnosis from the ER doctor was that it's an abscess caused by a blockage in the pores of the skin that leads to an infection. And by "diagnosis" I mean "garbled words mumbled by the half-in-the-bag ER 'doctor' who carved me up like a sadist on the last day in Guantanamo Bay."

He said that once you get it, you are more likely to get it again. He also said that I should shave the area and get "healthy" deodorant. I did neither of those things because I think he just wanted to see if I'd do it.

PROS:

Not life-threatening, apparently.

Abscess is the least gross-sounding one on the list.

CONS:

If it gets too big or doesn't respond to antibiotics, I have to go to the ER and have them lace into me. It hurts like fuck but the first time I did it my girlfriend was impressed by the fact that I didn't make a sound. So, yeah. I gotta keep that whole charade up now.

My doctor is a real knobjob who pretended to fill a prescription for me on Monday. He blew me off on the first phone call, so I called him later to confirm that he filled it, and he said, "Yeah, yeah." Not the best response you want to hear from a doctor. There should be a class in med school called, "Two 'Yeahs' Make a No: How to Lie to Your Patients." So of course when I show up at CVS, they say they never got a call from him. Well played. Then I called his office today to find out why, and the office was closed. Got me again, Doctor Dickhole!

Oh, and also? IT NEVER ENDS. EVER. IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING. EVERY THREE MONTHS. A FUCKING ICEBERG LIVES UNDER MY ARM. I WILL LIVE WITH THIS FOREVER. UNTIL IT KILLS ME.

C. diff

No doctor has ever given me this diagnosis, but I read about it on the internet. And when you see a disease on the internet that matches your symptoms, you know you've got it.

PROS:

From the article I read half of I am going to go ahead and guess that it's not fatal. I didn't read that specifically, but the overall vibe of the article didn't feel like they were talking about death here. So I'm gonna go ahead and list that as a Pro.

Symptom: Diarrhea 10 to 15 times a day. That's a fact from the mayoclinic.com. You may be wondering why I list that as a pro. If you are, you do not read this blog enough. I am already producing diarrhea at that rate, so that symptom doesn't really affect me. And if it's going to increase? That's fine. I'm an expert at anticipating and handling immediate emergency diarrhea. Bump it up to 30 times a day if you want. You can't phase me.

CONS:

Uhh, turns out it can be fatal. Yeahhh. Did a little more reading and it turns out it could really fuck up your colon and give you kidney failure. According to mayoclinic.com, "Even mild to moderate C. difficile infections can quickly progress to a fatal disease if not treated promptly." They go on to use the words "resistant" and "superbug." Sooo ummm. FUCK.

Also, the only real way they test for this is by either going up your ass or analyzing your "stool sample." Either way. Not for me.

MRSA

MRSA is what I think I have. I'm pretty sure it's MRSA. It's a hot new virus that has pretty much all of the symptoms I'm getting (except diarrhea--no one has shit on C. diff when it comes to diarrhea) and it's really common. I've got MRSA.

PROS:

MRSA sounds cool to someone who hasn't heard of it before. It sounds like some deeply engrained sickness in my bones. MRSA sounds like it's due in part to some form of radiation poisoning. MRSA sounds like I may have gotten it in the line of duty. Or maybe it sounds like a disease coursing its way through the anonymous gay sex community. I don't know.

This disease is really blowing up right now. I'm serious. Ask anyone in the medical community. They will know about MRSA. It may be kind of cool to get it before it gets too mainstream. Maybe I would tell people I have it and they'd be impressed like, "Daammnnn, you got MRSA? How'd you get that already? I heard that shit is jumpin off!"

It's treatable. If, ya know, you have a doctor who gives a flying fuck.

CONS:

It's treatable, but it's still killing people. Sooo who are these people? Is it just a matter of how strong the virus is? Or is it killing people who have a weakened system or leave it untreated? Which do you think it is? Probably the last one, right? Yeah? Yeah. And guess what I'm doing about having the disease? Right.

It's highly contagious. I may have already given it to my girlfriend.

Cancer

PROS:

Getting the sympathy for having cancer.

CONS:

Having cancer.

Living with cancer.

Dying of cancer.



So that brings you up to speed. Something very wrong is happening inside me and it's probably killing me. If I do end up dying and you go back and read this, don't feel guilty when you feel mildly impressed with the prophetic nature of my writing. I want you to read carefree when you come to this blog without any added stress. After all, you're not the one dying!

Unless you were a part of Free Hug Day, in which case I am sorry. And I'll see you soon.

And They Road Off Into The Sunset Together...

Carson Palmer and Carl Pavano talk on the phone while they watch Monday Night Football.



Carl: See, Carson? We could have hurt ourselves if we attempted that high five. A handshake is always your best bet.

Carson: You're right, Carl. You're always right. You're the best...


via Deadspin:



video link

Self-Delusional Sports Rehab

Self-Delusional Sports Rehab: Where Athletes Go to Pretend They Can Become the Athletes They Once Were

Carl Pavano: Hey, Carson! How you been, man? Great to see you.

Carson Palmer enters carrying a large gym bag.



Carson Palmer: Not so good, Carl. What are you doin here?

Carl: Oh, I'm always here, man.

Carson: But didn't the Yankees call you up?

Carl: Ehh. Yes. But I prefer it here. But what's up with you, man. Why so glum?

Carson: Have you seen us this year? Week one we got our asses kicked, and I SUCKED. Week two we got our asses kicked, and I SUCKED. Someone recommended I come here for some rehab assignments. (looks around) What is this place anyway?

Carl: It's just a gym for elite athletes like us, but without the pressures of a normal gym. No crowds. No coaches looking over your shoulder. No teammates calling your desire into question.

Carson: Well, I guess that's good. This place could be just what I need. Man, I'll do anything to get back to the playoffs. I guess it's going to take a lot of hard work. (exhales) Alright, let's get started.

Carl: Whoa, whoa. What's your rush, buddy? You just got here.

Carson: But coach said-

Carl walks behind Carson and sits him on a workout bench.

Carl: Shh, shh.

Carl rubs Carson's shoulders.

Carl: Now, who knows your body better: you or your coach?

Carson: Well, me, but-

Carl: And how does your knee feel?

Carson: My knee? Why does everyone keep asking me that? It feels fine. That was like 3 years ago.

Carl: See? You're fine, pal. Let's just relax a bit so you're nice and fresh for next season.

Carson: Next season?

Carl: Or the year after. Whatever you're comfortable with. But the important thing is not to rush it. Look at me. I could have rushed it to get back to the team, but what if I got hurt again? Who's going to pay my bills then?

Carson: Don't you have 40 million dollars from your contract?

Carl: Exactly! How am I going to live off of 40 million dollars? Thankfully, I'm only 32 years old, and because I didn't rush back and hurt myself, some other team will pay me another 40 million this off-season.

Carson: I never thought of it like that.

Carl: Well you better start. Don't push that knee, Carson. I know it's been 3 years, but better safe than sorry.

Carson: Maybe you're right, Carl.

Carl leans in close to Carson's ear.

Carl: (whispers) And you know what? When you come back? You're going to have the best season EVER.

Carson leans his cheek on Carl's hand.

Carson: Thanks, Carl.

Allan Houston jogs into the room.



Allan Houston: Hey, guys!

Allan jogs in place.

Allan: Who's ready to have their best season ever?!

Carson: Me!

Carl: You guys!

Allan: I'm so pumped!

Allan shadowboxes in the mirror.

Allan: I'm trying out for the Knicks!

Carson: But, Allan, didn't you like, retire...like, three years ago?

Allan continues shadowboxing.

Allan: Yes but now I'm back, and I'm in the best shape of my life!

Carl: That's great, Al.

Allan: Take that, Barkley! In your face, Jordan! What do you think of THIS, Mourning?!

Allan sits down clutching his chest.

Carson: But, Allan, all those guys are retired now.

Carl: Not Alonzo.

Carson: Seriously? How come I don't see him in here?

Carl: He comes on weekends.

Carson: Ah.

Carl: Allan, you okay? Need a drink?

Allan: (gasps) Ohgodyesplease. Toss it.

Carl throws a gatorade; it lands five feet short of Allan.

Allan: Don't worry I got it.

Allan bends over to pick it up.

Carson: BE CAREFUL!!! MY KNEE!!!!!

Allan: Carson. I'm across the room from you.

Carson: But still...

Allan: That's okay. Keep the drink. I think I'm just gonna lay down.

Carson: You really think you can make an NBA roster, Allan?

Allan: It's just the Knicks.

Carl: Listen, we all need to take it easy so we can all make our successful comebacks. And when you're back out there in two or three years, having a huge season and signing a mega contract, you'll look back and see that all the long hours we spent resting were worth it!

They all stand up for a group high-five, but instead just shake hands.

Tom Brady walks in with his head down, reading his blackberry.

Tom Brady: Uhh, coach said I was supposed to report here to work out. (looks up) What the-

Tom looks at Carl, then Carson, then Allan.

Tom: Awwwww, FUCK.