"I. Choose. BREAKING."
This is one of my favorite movie quotes of all time. It is from the movie Sidekicks, when the villain dramatically chooses the event in which they will compete for the grand championship of fake karate tournaments. I know what you're thinking, and yes, this movie does feature a young Danica McKellar. If you need further proof of its greatness, check out these lines listed under the Memorable Quotes section of IMDB:
Barry: Nobody likes me. Why would he?
Barry is the protagonist. He gets picked on by his classmates and he has asthma. His nickname is "Barry Warry." He is played by Jonathan Brandis, who would later hang himself in 2003.
So, yes. As it turns out. Nobody likes him.
Kelly Stone: Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris? He doesn't compete anymore kid, and the main reason, one of the main reasons he doesn't compete anymore is me. He doesn't compete 'cause I would kick his ass.
This quote becomes infinitely more enjoyably when you know that Kelly Stone, the instructor at the evil karate dojo, is Joe Piscopo.
Kelly Stone: [loud laughter] Hey, how 'bout some cookies?
This quote comes from one of the many dream sequences in which Barry fights off 100 ninjas and assorted bad guys who are being gassed up by Mr. Stone. Barry waddles up to the bar like he's Clint Eastwood and defiantly orders a milk from the bartender.
I've seen the movie and even I don't understand the signifance of the milk order. I guess the joke is that he's a kid? So he would order milk at a bar? Does that really qualify as a joke? But he's in high school; he's not 8. And even if he really loved milk, why would you set up Mr. Stone for a great zinger like that?
Mr. Lee: I have something for you.
[takes off Barry's shirt]
Mr. Lee is the off-brand Mr. Miyagi who teaches Barry how to be a karate master using various household items. He throws dodgeballs at Barry, makes him juggle lettuce, and makes him nunchuck himself in the balls a few times all in the name of sharpening his karate skills.
But this quote is just insane. I don't remember the scene, but I'm guessing Barry Warry hurt himself baking cupcakes for karate class and Mr. Lee had to put some tiger balm on it. But out of context, obviously it looks like he is going to fuck Barry. *Spoiler alert* He does not fuck Barry. No matter how much they may flirt, he never fucks him. I'm starting to think the person choosing these quotes is fucking with us.
Jerry Gabrewski: My son has asthma!
Yeah okay they're fucking with us. What is this line?! They put this as a memorable quote?? So you're saying that if there is this group of die-hard Sidekicks fans who get together to watch this once a month and one guy brings popcorn, and one guy brings chips, and one guy brings soda, and one guy brings nothing because he's always the guy who brings nothing, and they put the movie on but are secretly resenting the guy who brings nothing as he eats everyone else's food and uses the bathroom for twenty minutes and leaves the door open when he leaves which is gross because the bathroom he used is right in the kitchen and they sit there shaking their heads because he didn't have the decency to take his business to the upstairs bathroom so now they all put the food down because they are disgusted and they can't even enjoy the movie.
You're gonna tell me that when the guy who brings nothing realizes that his company is no longer appreciated and tries to mend fences by recalling one of the movie's best lines for the group to warm up to him, that he is going to say, "My son has asthma!" as his go-to line?????
I highly doubt it. If he has any hope in being invited back for next month's Sidekicks movie marathon then he better drop a Kelly Stone line on them.
[a still somewhat asthmatic Barry is determined to join in the push-ups in gym class]
Horn: Gabrewski, if you die I'm going to shoot myself and come on after you!
Horn is Barry's gym teacher, who would still be his main tormenter if Barry hadn't foolishly tried to pick up karate. This line is a bit deflating after the Mr.-Lee-undressing-Barry line. I do appreciate the detail provided regarding Barry's physical state, though.
Horn is Richard Moll, a.k.a. Bull from Night Court. I decided to take a look at what Bull has been up to since Night Court. And the answer? Sidekicks. Apparently, Sidekicks is what he's been up to in the past 20 years. Interesting.
But I did find out that the director of this film is Aaron Norris. You may remember him from such films as "Forced Vengeance," "Lone Wolf McQuade," and "Hey you can't arrest me! Chuck Norris is my brother! I didn't know she was a he! Please! Chuck will kill me!"
Honorable mention? "White Water Rebels."
Chuck Norris: Come on, Barry. That's it. Use your legs.
Now you're really reaching. That quote is only marginally sexual. What are we to believe? That the line comes from a scene where Chuck Norris is trying to coax Barry into sex? And that Barry would somehow be willing to let Chuck Norris bang him? And that during, Chuck is trying to teach him some sexual positioning that involves using his legs? That Barry is on top of Chuck and using his legs to really work it? Or that somehow Barry is banging Chuck and Chuck is bent over and encouraging Barry to get more power with his legs? Is THAT what we are to believe?
Personally, I'm more interested in the literal explanation of this quote. If "use your legs" is helpful advice, then what was Barry doing before that? Throwing lettuce at the ninjas?
Well that is the last quote. But let's get to why I started writing this post in the first place.
I have BREAKING news. As you may know, 70% of the traffic on this site comes from misdirected google searches. Usually, these searches are illicit in nature, so I'm sure they don't stick around once they realize that there are, in fact, no vietnamese boys on this site. But I've gotten a lot of international visitors lately who have been google-image searching for Kaiser Wilhelm II. I don't know what makes my page come up under that search, but I welcome all my new foreign friends just the same.
Please enjoy all the entertainment you can handle in an updated-once-in-a-three-week-period format.
Brown is the New Black: Come for the comedy. Stay for the sexism. Leave for the racism.
Except you, Spain!