Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Mercury: The Roman God of Hubris

As you all know, the Tennessee Titans are undefeated ten games into this NFL season. 10-0 is a very impressive mark at this point in the season. In fact, it's perfect. But nothing in the NFL is truly impressive until Mercury Morris weighs in on it.

You see, Mercury Morris played for the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only NFL team to ever complete an undefeated season and win the championship. But of course, you already knew that, because this douche never shuts up about it. Morris and all his survivors teammates from the '72 Dolphins are so proud of their accomplishment that they have a party every year when the last undefeated team in the NFL takes its first loss.

Beyond that, each year Mercury also takes it upon himself to become the resident NFL expert. He analyzes the last remaining undefeated team to see how they compare to the '72 Dolphins. And wouldn't you know it, they are never quite as good as his beloved 'phins. So now that the Titans are 10-0, it is time to start hearing from Mercury Morris again.

But you see, things have always been this way for Mercury. And the world.


Mercury Morris looks up at the ceiling.

Mercury Morris: Yeahhh. I see what you did there.

Michelangelo: You do? Which part are you referring to?

Mercury: Well. Ya know. All of it.

Michelangelo: All of it?

Mercury: Sure, sure. It's great, man. Seriously. It was a great try.

Michelangelo: Grazie, grazie. I really thought--wait. I'm sorry. Did you say "great try?"

Mercury: Of course. You really gave it a great shot. I mean I see what you went for. Bible. God. Jesus. Paint. I get it. It was truly a valiant effort.

Michelangelo: Effort?? But, sir. I have been painting this for four years. It's taken an enormous toll on my body. I've given my life to this project!

Mercury: And I surely respect you for it.

Mercury puts his arm around Michelangelo and walks with him.

Mercury: Hey. You gave it your all. No one can take that away from you. Some of us are just bound for perfection, while others splatter paint on the ceiling of a chapel and call it art. But you still gave it your best. Now you go ahead and keep that in your pocket for a rainy day.

Michelangelo: What on Earth are you saying?!? Splattered paint?? Who are you to judge what is perfection?!

Mercury: Well, I didn't want to bring it up but... A few years back, me and a couple buddies got together and painted the ceiling of our church. Just a bunch of old school dudes, watchin each others' backs, and paintin' ceilings. Well it took us eight long weeks, but when it was all said and done, the townspeople decided that our church had the nicest painted ceiling of any church in town. It was a proud day for me and the boys. In fact, we still get together every so often to look at other church ceilings, and celebrate that ours is still better.

Michelangelo: Let me get this straight. You only painted for eight weeks?

Mercury: It doesn't matter how long it took. What matters was that it was perfect.

Michelangelo: And your competition was other churches within your own town??

Mercury: Yeah but that was a tough town, man. Not like the weak watered-down towns you guys got now.

Michelangelo: And you yourselves are now the judges on what could possibly live up to your own creation???

Mercury: Of course, Mike. Who better to judge perfection than the perfect ones themselves? I'm not saying you could never be perfect. You just aren't now. And. Even if you were to ever be perfect, you still wouldn't really be perfect because we did it first. So you would still be second place to our perfection.

Michelangelo: You are not perfect. No man is perfect. God is perfect.

Mercury: Now hold on. I gotta stop you right there. Let's be clear about a few things. I am not perfect. You are not perfect. God is not perfect. The only thing that has ever been perfect in this world was me and my buddies during that one Spring when we painted the ceiling of our church. Now don't get discouraged because you're not quite there yet. Think of it this way: you made it to the party, but you still gotta pin the tail on the donkey!

Two members of the clergy drag Mercury out of the chapel.


After the conclusion of a brief pro-German announcement over the loudspeaker, Mercury tosses his gloves and puts his hands on his hips.

Mercury: Man, what's all this I keep hearing about this Germany being the best Germany ever. Man this Germany aint shit. Back in my day, we had us a real German Empire. Yall don't know about Kaiser Wilhelm II. He puts all yall to shame. Dude had a spike on his helmet. You believe that? Who's that guy you got now. Adolph Nippler? Zing!

German Guy: Adolph Hitler. And I wouldn't let him hear you say that. He would have you and your entire family murdered.

Mercury: ...A spike on his helmet. A motherfucking SPIKE. Shit, you younguns just wouldn't know about how we did things. Our war was serious.

German: This war is much bigger.

Mercury: Oh, really? How can it be better than The Great War? They called it that 'cause it was the greatest! They're callin this World War II 'cause that's just what it is--second place.

German: You are offending my typical German sensibilities of reason and order.

Mercury: What you know about this, my man. In my day? Our war totaled over ten million casualties. Ten million.

German: I predict that by the end of all this, we'll have fifty million dead.

Mercury: Ha! Ho, ho, ho! Mr. Prediction Man. Fifty million! How's that Charlie Chaplin-lookin motherfucker gonna manage that, huh? No country can kill that many in a war. Shit he'd have to start straight exterminatin people if he plans to hit that number.

The German man begins writing.

German: Go on...

Mercury: Look, brotha. Maybe I can help you better understand. Let me put it to you like this:
So you think that Hitler is really keen
Well I can tell you now he aint so mean
The Great World War, that was the best
Doesn't even matter that we lost that mess
Today yall Germans are just pretenders
I heard Hitler himself was quite the bender
Kaiser would surely kick his butt
Cause he aint nothin but a quarter-jew mutt

Two SS members swiftly drag Mercury out of the building.


CEO Steve Case finishes a presentation about the upcoming release of AOL 1.5 for Windows 3.1. As the clapping of Board members wanes, Mercury Morris continues slow-clapping with his feet on the conference table.

Mercury: Ha ha ha. So the internet, huh? That's it? Ooh-wee. Yall are pretty easily impressed for some executives. Now I know why they call it "tech-no-logical."

Mercury winks.

Steve Case: I'm sorry?

Mercury: Man, this internet aint shit. Cmon now. World Wide Web? Umm, maybe yall forgot about a little invention called the telephone? Those things reach all over the world. The phone did it way before the internet. And it did it better.

Steve Case: With all due respect, I'm not sure I know what you're saying.

Mercury slaps his thighs and stands up.

Mercury: Well I'll tell ya what I'm sayin, son. I'm sayin the phone is the best there was, the best there is, and the best there ever will be! If you want to talk to your wife, you don't wanna to get caught in no web! If you want to talk to your dad, you don't wanna get dragged in no net! You wanna make a call, you use the phone, because it's the best of all.

Mercury folds his arms.

Steve: Right, but the internet can provide so much more than a telephone conversation can. You can use it to email, sure. But you can also use it to shop online. You can use it to expand your business. You can look up virtually any fact and have it right in front of you in seconds.

Mercury: Man, you want facts? A phone can give you facts! Watch this.

Mercury picks up the phone.

Mercury: Beep-beep-boop-bop-bop-boop-beep. Hello? Yes, hi. Can you tell me who the first president of the United States was? Abraham Lincoln? Ah thank you!

Steve: Well, actually that's not correct. The first president was George Washington. Also, you didn't dial the phone. You just picked up the phone and started saying boops and beeps with your mouth.

Mercury: (into phone) I gotta go.

Mercury hangs up the phone.

Mercury: Look, we can argue over who the first president was all day, but there's no way to find out for sure. The only thing that's important is that everyone here understands that the phone is better than the internet.

Steve: But we didn't invent the internet. We're not saying we invented the internet.

Mercury: Now there ya go. That's it. Champions stay humble. Humble like the perfect Miami Dolphins of 1972.

Steve: (frustrated) Furthermore, why are you saying the phone is better than the internet. That's like saying an apple is better than a pencil. I don't think they even compare.

Mercury: Exactly. The net cannot compare to the perfect phone.

Steve: ...All we're saying is that this will be a great tool we can use to make our company the best in our field.

Mercury: Ah, ah, ah! You're not the best yet. No, sir. Let's just say this: you're in the right ballpark, but you still gotta find your seats!

Two security guards drag Mercury out of the building.

November 2008. New York, NY.

Mercury: This recession aint shit...

1 comment:

xmas_girl said...

You just picked up the phone and started saying boops and beeps with your mouth.

That is amazing! HAHA .. Deadspin and TBL! Well done baby!