Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Bart rides up in the front seat today because he's a good guy at sports.

Congratulations Yankee-hating America.
You got just what you wanted: a World Series no one will ever want to watch. What provocative rivalry will we see next week? Astros vs. Angels? Cardinals vs. White Sox? Can't you feel yourself wondering what else is on already? No one cares about these four teams, and don't try to convince yourself that you do. I went through that experience last night when I tried to watch "My Name is Earl" based on the good reviews it was getting. HUGE let-down. It reminds me of an old Conan joke, "should have stopped at the premise on that one." It goes to show you, don't try to like something you know you won't, trust your instincts. These four teams are just as gay and boring.

1) Houston Astros.
No one cares about them. Outside of the players' families, no one is a real Astros fan. Ever met one? Ever even heard of one? That's because Texas doesn't care about baseball. The owners pay seat-fillers to go to the games.

2) Chicago White Sox.
Chicago is Cubbie town. You will find people on every corner and in every store talking about the Cubs in the summer and the Bears in the winter. Hardly anyone even acknowledges the White Sox existence. It's not even like the Mets compared to the Yankees. It's more like the Nets compared to the Knicks. If you're a Yankee fan and someone mistakes you for a Met fan, you will animately proclaim that you're a Yankee fan. If you're a Knick fan and someone mistakes you for a Nets fan, you will look at them confused and wonder what is this "Net" they speak of. I speak from personal experience as I have been to both Cubs and White Sox games. The Cub game was a beautiful July day with hot dogs and "pop" and lovable fans cheering on the Cubs even as they were handily beat 9-2. The White Sox game was a dreary day where I sat behind a pole next to a guy who was chewing tobacco and apparently had made the floor his personal dip cup. But yeah, go White Sox...

3) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Can anyone explain the etymology of this team name? I stopped paying attention to the AL West in the late 90's because the Yankees would routinely spank the Rangers on their way to the ALCS. So what happened to the good old California Angels of Wally Joyner and Naked Gun? Is the new name like some liberal thing to appeal to the Spanish population of LA with those extra long names? I'm lost. I thought LA already had a team that they didn't care about. So who goes to these games to follow a bunch of grown men who call themselves "Angels?" I'm not sure, but I am sure that every red-blooded American is eagerly anticipating a World Series between the Angels and the Tinkerbells.

4) St. Louis Cardinals
The only team that might have a legitimate fan base. Cardinals fans are notoriously loud and supportive. But what does that really mean to people on the east coast? Does anyone in their right mind think they compare to new york or even philly and boston fans? Call it east coast bias if you want but I don't buy it. Their fans and stadium look gay all red and yellow. It looks like a McDonald's playland.

I guess his career as a producer never took off.

"I'm still going to continue playing hard and out of control, like a wild animal that needs to be caged. I'll let the referees handle it." Lovely. Thanks Ronald. Can we get this guy out of the NBA? He doesn't even entertain me. Rodman was a nutjob but he was fun to watch. Artest is just like watching Mike Tyson come apart at the seams in a tailspin. He's not as cool as my boy Iverson. I know you're reading this man, whats up AI!? Meet me back at the Trop!

Terrell Owens is the devil.
After getting dismantled by the Cowboys, he puts on a Michael Irvin jersey. What else can this guy do wrong? I hope he puts on a Red Sox hat and drives off a cliff.

I wanna hang out with the Minnesota Vikings.
At first glance I thought this story was going to involved some Kobe-esque sexcapades. Turns out it was just the average Rutgers-style freakout. Who hasn't had naked girls dancing in front of them and then eventually ended up having sexual relations with them? Get with the times, kids. It is no longer acceptable to be sexually repressed. At this age everyone better be all growns up. No more "Ew I don't do that," "But I just met you," or "Not in my mouth!" ever again.

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