Pre-game Report

Before I start giving you what you really want, an in-depth look at my fascinating jet-set lifestyle, a few things must be said. Don't take it personally, unless you do any of these things, in which case take out a pen.

T-shirts: Do not wear a shirt with a "clever" saying on it. Why? It's probbbbably not as clever as you think. In fact, it's probably not clever at all. I'm guilty too, I'll admit I have a couple, but I'm phasing them out. A few samples of what I saw during a dreadful trip to the mall: "Jingle My Bells" (yes, in July), "BEER It's not just for breakfast anymore," and "No More Pictures Please!" (on a very fat Italian, naturally). Let's just agree to abandon the fad in its entirety, we might lose a few funny shirts, but it's worth it to lose the 95% that aren't. PS--The only funny one I saw was, "I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!" I don't know why, but I loved it!

Jeans: Don't tell me things like, "I always see you in those jeans..." There's a reason for that: I'M ALWAYS WEARING THESE JEANS. I'm a guy. We don't tidy, we don't drink diet soda, and we don't have outfits. I have 3 pairs of jeans, two that I like, and I wear them for days or weeks at a time. Life rule #107: Jeans are not dirty until you can physically see dirt on them...and even then, it's a judgment call. Addendum: Do not wear jean shorts, ever, to any establishment, under any pretense, in mixed company or familiar, under any circumstances...ever.

Hair: Mohawks--OUT. You waited too long and now you're the last one doing it. We're not impressed. And for future reference, you'll never be original taking your fashion cues from TRL.

Headwear: I'll just assume that people are being lazy and they aren't trying to make some lame fashion statement....so let me remind some people the proper steps in sporting a hat: Remove the sticker. Bend the brim until it is noticeably curved. Secure on head. The End. No hologram stickers or tags left on, no flat brims, no propping hat at an absurd angle. While we're on the subject, I'd like a personal apology from everyone who ever wore a trucker hat. And if you happen to still be wearing a trucker hat, I'm gonna need a rough draft of your suicide note.

I have to cut it short for now to watch the yankees desperately try to get through the 6th and 7th innings. Don't worry, though, I have plenty more ways to explain how not to annoy me. I didn't even talk about girls. Ha! Don't let me get started. Go Leiter!